birthday

Today would have been, should have been, Maggie's 15th birthday. Eight months ago today, she fell asleep for the last time in my arms. I miss her endlessly.
I was unemployed, unhappily married and living in a rental that didn't allow pets. I walked past the pet store. I fell in love. The absolute best impulse purchase ever made. She howled all the way home in my truck, sounding for all the world like she was six feet tall and just as wide. She was six weeks old and fit in my pocket. I cried for the day I wouldn't have her anymore.
I came from a family that didn't teach me how to be a whole person. I am not whining about it...there are lots of us out there. There was no such thing as unconditional love. People left and didn't come back. There were times I knew, beyond doubt, that I was a burden. There was drama, and tension and the catch-all phrase of Dysfunction. We didn't hug. We didn't touch. We all had our own lives that we had to direct ourselves. Some called us latch-key. Looking back at it, I think the term feral is more apt.
I didn't know why I kept picking lousy relationships and staying, or even that they were lousy relationships. I didn't know why I had such a drive to self-medicate. I didn't know there was anything WRONG with me at all.
As I got to know more about me, some things had to change...it's hard to change your whole life when all your whole life long has been marked, though. It took a long time. I got divorced...broke down, overmedicated more....bought a trailer and hitched it to my Jeep and hit the road...we were
modern day nomads. I was only brave enough to go because there was someone to go with me. Maggie.
Maggie was the only constant in my life. She was the only thing I let close to me for a long time. She taught me that relationships can last longer than a little while, that LOVE is not that giddy head over heels feeling that you have at the beginning(that makes you act rashly, like walking down an aisle way too soon) but those feelings that remain after. Responsibility is NOT burden. There is joy in rolling in warm sand. Macaroni and cheese is always better shared with someone you love. She taught me that in order to take care of her, I had to take care of myself...take care of myself... mmm, a strange, if intriguing idea.
There is so much more to our story but it's mine...none of it is truly exciting. She wasn't Lassie or Rin-Tin-Tin. She was just a little beagle with a dedicated heart. Sometimes we have pets. Sometimes pets have us. She blessed my life. She saved me in a way that is difficult to explain. She made me human, a full(still flawed) person. That seems like a lot to put on a little furry soul, doesn't it? But she did...or I did, for her.
I miss her little smile, eyes curled in laughter as she looked over her shoulder at me when I would take her to her favorite walking spots. I miss her pissy face when she couldn't have something she wanted. I miss her singing in the morning when she awoke to see us all together in bed, another full day together to celebrate. I miss her toenails on the hardwood.
My last thought....
I imagine that as I go out of this world, if there is anyone watching, they will see me smile just before my light goes out. My arms will open and they will hear me whisper "Maggie" as I go home.
I miss you, Chicken. Be so very good. loveloveloveloveloveyou