Dearest friend.
I will miss you tremendously.
Safe journeys.
We'll see each other again one day.
I love you.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Michael and I took Eem-er up to Harewood Mines for a walk yesterday. Holy Frostbite, Batman. Seriously. There were no other tracks through the snow up there yet. We thought we would be blazing the first trail. Sweet!

We hiked less than a third of our normal walk...which, really, is none too strenuous to begin with. The snow was deep and cold. Beneath it, ice and mushy puddles.

My feet would feel so heavy and when I would down, there would be a huge ball of ice stuck to my shoelaces. My jeans were soaked to my knees. Eem-er started the walk in her red, sheepskin-lined coat(don't laugh, that little dog just can't take this weather), but not far into the walk, it was doing nothing but holding a layer of snow and ice next to her skin. Once the coat came off, she was ready to roll....

for about five minutes. This poor little girl just can't take it....

Look at how miserable she is...she just STOPPED walking. When I went to see if she was alright, she literally climbed up me to get out of the snow. That's a pretty desperate thing for her, since she really HATES being carried. There was ice between her poor toes and she just shook and shook. What else could I do? I carried her...until I fell, plunging her, myself and the camera into the snow. Nice.

So, Michael dried the camera(whew) and I tried to warm my aching hands(didn't have gloves on), Eem-er decided to try walking on her own...for about 45 seconds. Then she stopped walking again, waited for me to come to her and crawled into my arms again, even with the knowledge that I had just dumped her in the snow a minute earlier.

By the time we reached the car, I couldn't use my fingers anymore...so cold they felt like they were burning.

We all hunkered around the pellet stove when we got home...we must get a bigger pillow with room for everyone.

still snowing....

The snow stopped, cleared, then started again....and now it's cold enough to stay around a few days...until there is another snowfall predicted. Sigh.

I know, I know....some folks love it. Me? Not so much.

So I am hunkered in, watching the Polar Express and thinking that I really need to figure out a present for Michael in the next two days since work will be crazy after that...and avoiding my Christmas cards for one more night. It is the Polar Express, after all...it's just that good.

it's officially winter now....

West coast winter's first snow....

it's mush already, and sloppy, and soon it's going to freeze into a sheet of ice...and fools out there can't drive in it or on it, but think they can...our house is on the ambulance/fire/police route and the sirens just keep going so we know how well they're driving....

by the way...have you ordered your local free-range Christmas turkey yet??? Don't wait too long...

Heidi, HELP

Miss Hick Chic...please have Jethro watch this and tell me what Martin, er, Mr. Sexton is using at 3 minutes and 24 seconds for that sound. All I can find in google is Moog Synthesizer. He used this at the concert I saw. It was the most amazing thing ever.
I want to be able to do this at home...all the time.

Wouldn't that be the best?

Rainy Days and Sundays...

Man, the lighting during a west coast winter doesn't really work for outdoor photos...with the flash on at noon, all my pictures look like I am out with the camera at midnight. That's how it is here, though. The long Grey...today looks pretty good for some sun a little later, though after the rain, it'll be a soggy doggy walk.

The hooker traffic and drug traffic seem to be picking up again on our street. Somebody somewhere must be making a push to clean up their street. I don't know why they always come back here...and there's rats living in and under the garage next door. I am so very NOT THRILLED by that. Doesn't seem like the neighbours intend to do anything about it and I don't know what that means for us. I can handle a mouse in the house every once in a while, but if I come across a rat...or if they get into our garage with the old vw van? Or bite my dog while she's in the yard?

I put up our five Christmas decorations the other day...and still don't feel very Christmas-y. Maybe once we get a tree...don't have a clue for a gift for Michael. Anyone got any ideas for me?

I don't seem to find much to write about these days...nothing seems to flow. I have to reach for every word...

...but at least I have been reaching for the camera again. And that feels alright.

There must be a story here....

and I hope it's not a sad story. The other morning I woke up(a relative term considering my sleep of late) and went out to walk the dog and found this painted along the curb across the street from my house. Darling

it's not like I

believe inever-lasting love.

So many questions...who is Darling? Who wrote this? Will Darling ever see it and recognize it for what it is? Darling seems such a lovely name to call someone you will not have everlasting love for....

I think, in fact, perhaps, the writer MAY just believe in ever-lasting love and is trying to be brave in the face of something...but maybe that is just my own romatic ideals coming into play. The funny thing is, I was pretty much awake all night the night this happened, me and my friend insomnia...but for some strange reason, I never did pull back the curtains that night, as is my usual habit on nights I cannot sleep. I just wandered from living room to bedroom from couch to bed to easy chair and back again. Maybe I wasn't meant to know the story...maybe it was meant to fuel my imagination.

OlyWa

Remember how I went home not too long ago? I got to walk Capitol Lake a few times. The weather was beautiful and there were lots of folks out enjoying the views.

I wonder how many times I have walked this lake in my life....

Dome over the lake...with skies and clouds.

Yummy.

Yummy.

Yummy.

This is the last free artesian well in Olympia...there used to be 13 or more, free-flowing clear, crisp clean water. I used to get my water here. All gone now. This one will be gone too, soon. The non-profit agency that tested the water twice a month will no longer be testing it. It will be gone. One more piece of history...so freaking sad.

Well, not sure what this post is really about...

smells like Thanksgiving around here

despite anxiety and medications...tonight felt really, really super good. I ate more than I have in a couple weeks(due to meds), drank too much(sorry doc, but it was Thanksgiving), and new friends merged well with old friends.....gotta love that. I love having a successful dinner party. I do. It means lots to me. And I really, truly enjoyed the experience, which kind of suprised me. It's not like I put too much into it until the very last moment....I couldn't concentrate on it.
I am thankful...for small miracles...and good friends...and a warm house...and for grace.

thankful...

Living between the U.S. and Canada does have some bonuses you might not even be aware of. For instance...I get to give thanks(for everything) twice a year now, in a feasting, public sort of way. Although I do give thanks and say my prayers(to god, whatever I conceive him to be) every day, it is brilliant that I get to celebrate my favoutite holiday twice a year with others...technically, today is not a holiday here in Canada so I am working(at a place that I love and am thankful for that), but come Sunday, my house is open...full of feasting, festivities, friends who are family and fun. Despite the anxieties and the blue meanies of late, I am fully aware of all there is to be thankful for... and I am so very thankful. For everything. To friends and family back home, I wish I was there. I love you so. To those friends here with me now, come on over on Sunday....there are never enough days to give thanks. The bird comes out of the oven at 5. I'll save you a space at the table.

walkies, anyone?

It's cold...the time of year that gets these two sharing the bed under the pellet stove again. This old house is never quite warm enough...at least for me. Maybe I should get a bigger pillow and join them in the radiant pellet stove heat. I have had to scrape my windshield a time or two now. Ick. But, it's also that time of year, that when the sun does come out, it is deliciously crisp and clear, and everything seems to be in sharp focus. Shadows are perfect, the play of light on water, the feel of the sun on skin is just warm enough...of course, there isn't much skin exposed.

There is that most particular shade of blue in an early winter sky. You know the one I mean? It was meant to be the exact perfect colour for setting off these red berries. Whew. Beautiful, eh?

The greens of the mosses are at their most succulent, too, with all the rain that's fallen. With all the leaves off the trees, the moss doesn't have to compete to be seen right now. It has all the green-y glory it could ever hope for.

The funny thing about walking Morrell Wildlife Sanctuary is that the only wildlife I really see there is ducks or squirrels...or sometimes people's wild kids and dogs. I guess there are bears out there right now, but I didn't see anything...except the ducks.

But ducks are enough,

and these guys are enough, to make for a great walk in the sun.

Okay then, how about that? We finally went for a walk together again.

Thanks for coming along with me.

still here....

not too much to talk about right now, still acclimating to my new prescription(gasp, yes! i did it. in some ways i feel like it means i gave up, but dang! i was so very tired of fighting it, too, and for all my fighting, it seemed i was losing ground, so...) ...and not a lot of time off this week...today looks like a beauty, if a little crisp and cold.

maybe a walk at Morrell Wildlife Sanctuary is called for....i haven't been there in a good long while...and maybe i will even take the camera out of the camera bag for this walk.

hmmmn....maybe the meds are working. haven't even thought of photos in a while.

alrighty, then, one day off, and i got a lot to get done...so, talk to you soon???

I got a McDreamy....

so yeah?
My new family doctor?
Cute. Cute. Cute.
Yay for me.

Ah, come on now! For real? Really real?

So, trying to import this damn car....first had a helluva time with making sure the seatbelts would pass safety inspection(old automatic kind that had a faulty mechanism...they don't make them anymore, of course). Finally fixed and sorted.

Went to CanTire for inspection today and they said my car needed automatic daytime running lights in order to pass inspection. I said, "Well, that's great but can we do the inspection first because what is the point of putting in running lights and me paying for labour if it's going to fail because of something else, right?" Logical, eh? Got there at 8(my appointment time), they finally took my car in at 9(what's the point of an appointment, eh?), left there at 11:30, after paying for an inspection, the installation of running lights and still failing the safety inspection. Um, why, if my car was failing inspection, did you put in the running lights? Why would they do that??? And why did I just pay the bill and leave?

Because I am acting like a lunatic lately. And I didn't want to start bawling in the fucking automotive department of Canadian Tire...I can't seem to have a normal reaction to anything right now. I had to come home and cry.

So I got home and found a letter waiting saying we owe 200.00 plus dollars for importing the car in the first place(a well-maintained car that is not, as yet, passing the importation safety inspection while there are rust buckets belching black smoke and leaking gallons of oil EVERYWHERE around me as I drive ). I know that is not the case....my car is 15+ years old and exempt. In fact, the year, make and model are printed right there on their letter. WTF????? I KNOW that I don't owe that money but now I have to get a hold of this government agency to tell them their own rules? Like, really? And? Is anyone going to answer the phone?

Because, also, right now? Dealing with PharmaCare who wants my 2006/2007 tax returns in order to cover me...um, I just got legal residency in April of this year. I don't have tax returns for 2006/2007. I wasn't working. That would have been illegal. Federally illegal. But can I get anyone to answer the phone there? Hell no. And I really want to be covered because after my trip to Urgent Care last week, I actually landed myself a family doctor. For real. I see him on Wednesday...and, because I am acting like a lunatic lately, I was going to maybe see about getting on something that might make things less lunatic...for a while...but if I don't really have coverage? Cuz I don't have tax returns for years I didn't work? See? Lunatic?

Maybe it's not me at all. But I just don't know for sure. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHH!!!

But......... I don't like barely avoiding a breakdown at Canadian Tire when I should be hopping mad....and I would like to be able to deal with these tiresome, endless phonecalls with fellow lunatics without this sense of fruitlessness and the desire to pound my head against the wall...yeah. That would be nice. And? Would like to get back to enjoying more things, too. Obviously, this little funk I am in isn't as little as I would like to think...and obviously, oh so obviously, I would like to get myself back to me...and then head back to the Canadian Tire Auto Service Centre....possibly kick some ass...

It's a whole new world out here but I am not sure how I fit in it right now.

Have you received the memo????

I can't seem to find the time or place or the words lately....so locked in my own dramatic mindset that I don't even know what's going on around me anymore. Apparently many women my age are going through this, too. And always have. Still, it doesn't make it any easier...especially since it all seemed to come on so suddenly. The craze, the anxiety, the chest-achey-ness....
You know what finally slowed my crazy brain down? I had five days off this week. Spent the last three sick in bed. Sick. Like really sick. Went to the clinic, got a prescription, made me feel both ravenously hungry and ready to puke at all times....the only thing that made it better was sleeping 12 hours at a stretch, waking up and reaching for my Dexter books, reading until I slept again. Today, I feel part of the human race again. Tomorrow, I am going hiking in the morning, rain or shine. I might even take a picture or two. Yup. I gotta breathe air. Outdoor air. I gotta be outside. Thank goodness I had these days off already. Not that this is how I really wanted to be spending them...then again, being forced to stay in bed, distract myself with books and tea and lots and lots of sleep(that there really hasn't been a lot of lately), has taken an edge off of me that has been poking me lots lately, right up under the right shoulder blade and making it hard to breathe. So, yeah, I hope that part lasts.
Maybe soon I can tell you about the trip home I took WEEKS ago now!

Miriam Makeba....

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa – Miriam Makeba, the South African singer who wooed the world with her sultry voice but was banned from her own country for more than 30 years under apartheid, died after collapsing on stage in Italy. She was 76.

In her dazzling career, Makeba performed with musical legends from around the world — jazz maestros Nina Simone and Dizzy Gillespie, Harry Belafonte, Paul Simon — and sang for world leaders such as John F. Kennedy and Nelson Mandela.

"Her haunting melodies gave voice to the pain of exile and dislocation which she felt for 31 long years. At the same time, her music inspired a powerful sense of hope in all of us," Mandela said in a statement.

He said it was "fitting" that her last moments were spent on stage.

The Pineta Grande clinic in Castel Volturno, near the southern city of Naples, said Makeba died early Monday of a heart attack.

Makeba collapsed on stage Sunday night after singing one of her most famous hits "Pata Pata," her family said in a statement. Her grandson, Nelson Lumumba Lee, was with her as well as her longtime friend, Italian promoter Roberto Meglioli.

"Whilst this great lady was alive she would say: 'I will sing until the last day of my life'," the statement said.

Sleep well and sound under your African skies, Mama Africa.

we are watching

history being made.....
breathe deep

mid-life what?

What is this and why is it happening? Winter, weather, lack of light, or a completely cliche mid-life crisis? I really hate to be cliche. Synapses misfiring right and left...only the end of October and just the first week of rain, already seeking comfort in St. John's Wort for the blue meanies on a daily basis...skullcap and valerian in moments of panic...which are happening more often than I dare really admit. Often, I have moments, or hours, when I get the feeling that I want to go home...but I don't really know what that means. I am home. I have moments, or hours, so close to tears that I have to fake my way through....moments if someone asks me if I am alright, I may just burst into tears for no reason...no reason that I can make sense of....
but my new Martin Sexton cds are helping...
my headphones drowning out everything...for a while, while I run and sweat...trying to outrun something....barely suppressed panic(thank you skullcap), most likely.....
so, i'm doggie paddling right now...head above water but not really moving forward too fast....but at least it's forward...i can recognize that...so my brain still works....i think....
but maybe you can understand why i am not posting too much right now?!?
k, thanks.

I stalked Martin Sexton.....

After arriving in Vancouver too early to check in to our hotel and too early to collect our tickets at will call here at the Vogue, we wandered and window shopped our way to Gastown to meet some friends for a quick trip to the Fluevog store and then a little lunch. Then we all piled into their car and cruised for a parking spot at Granville Island....no easy feat, believe me. Eventually, we found ourselves among the fruit vendors, the meat sellers, artisans and street performers. It was sunny and Sunday and the market was packed, roasted chestnuts warmed our hands, and sweet strawberries topped it all off.
Our friends left us there, and we tottled off to the water taxis to find our way back downtown...to collect our tickets and check in to our hotel...find somewhere for an afternoon coffee or even a pint of microbrew...
And here, window-shopping our way along Granville Street to the Vogue(for the second time in one day), Michael pointed out Martin Sexton himself strolling along the sidewalk going in the opposite direction. AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At which point, I reversed direction and followed along behind him...yup. I did. I stalked Martin Sexton. I followed along behind him into a store and then another.... completely inconspicuous in my bright red hoody and giddy demeanor. I was so sure he hadn't noticed until, as he looked at jeans, and I idled at the table of Converse tennis shoes directly behind him, he pulled his sunglasses down and glanced over at me...just to let me get a good look at him, I guess...I hope, anyway. I nearly fell over my own feet on the way to the front door of the store...where I swooned on the sidewalk a while near Michael(who refused to participate in my stalking exercise). Then, when he came out of the store, Martin, er, Mr. Sexton looked our way, smiled a smirky, half-amused smile, reversed his direction and wandered off down the sidewalk.

Of course, in reversing his direction, he was now walking the way we had originally been going! So we fell in step behind him again, this time a little further back...until he passed the Vogue. We stopped at will call and got our tickets and then moved on to our hotel to check in...my eyes peeled for another glimpse of Martin, er,...Mr. Sexton. Didn't happen, though.

If you ever have a chance to see Martin Sexton live, don't hesitate. GO!!!!! GO!!! GO!!! He is amazing. Honest to god....he is all about the music, the audience, the experience. He absolutely IS everything that is right with American music...gifted musician, songwriter, showman, honest, creative, embracing, true...and funny. In an age where studio wizardary can make the album, it is just such pure joy to have one man and his guitar take an entire audience away with him during a performance...in the journey.

I can't believe it took me 12 years for us to be in the same town at the same time in order to see him... it was worth the wait....though I hope I don't have to wait that long again.

Certainly, I hope he isn't afraid to come back to Vancouver thinking that Canadians are crazy stalkers or something. If that is the case, Mr. Sexton, I assure you, I am a fellow US citizen and that is where I get that from....I apologize for stalking you. I wasn't trying to be unnerving. I was really trying to get up the nerve to come thank you for extending your tour to Vancouver, and to thank for all the music over the years...but I was too nervous...so, if you read this?

Thank you so very much.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

we're home

already back at work...big weekend plans in Vancouver(Martin Sexton concert)....

we didn't get the cutest car ever....but don't have time for the story today...or tomorrow...and definitely not this weekend cuz did I mention? Martin Sexton concert....

trying to catch up on all your posts but don't have time to comment right now...nor words. er, words that make much sense, anyway.........because

my brain is unruly lately...need to let it settle a bit. too much stuff rattling around in there at the moment...like there is a substitute teacher in the classroom right now or something......

the leaves turned while we were gone. sigh. i don't like winter...must toughen up.

see you soon?

Is it just me

or is time really suddenly moving so fast that I can't keep up? The days are shorter, it's dark when I get up now...dark early, too. I shouldn't be so suprised by it, but I am. I think summer was here just last week, wasn't it? This week will be a madhouse so I thought I would make a little time here to check in...write something here, actually comment on some of your pages. I miss everybody. We need to have a little get together or something, eh? Oh...maybe a collective photo challenge or something. Only, just not now...cuz I can't keep up.
Around the hood here, there is new playground equipment in the park, and the new retirement residence has finished blasting and commenced building. Em's old place across the street is getting a huge facelift with new roof, siding, fencing, decks and stairs. It will be so nice to not see the old eyesore when I pull back the curtains. Our very colourful neighbours across the street moved out so we're all holding our breath to see who the landlord puts in next. Fingers crossed.
Thanksgiving is coming and I hear that we'll be pretty busy at work this week, so I am savouring having today off. Finishing up packing for my trip home, buying gifts for all the birthdays I have missed, etc. We leave on the first ferry out on Sunday, after a bit of a scramble to find a house/kitty sitter. It's been a long time since I was home. I am kind of nervous about it. Weird, eh?
It'll be good, though. Good to see my family and friends. Good to see Mount Rainier in the distance, good to walk Capitol Lake, good to be home for a bit. Good not to see Victoria Road for a bit.
Did I mention that I have been running? After the running clinic wrapped up a few months ago, I kept running...so finally, I think I am beginning to see the results...took long enough. Sheesh. Encouraged by that. I joined a gym today...it's right on my way to work. Like right there. Met with a trainer today to set my goals, measure up(ugh) and see what I have to do to get where I want...and I have to say, I was suprised to learn that I am really already pretty close. I must have a completely warped idea of what I look like. Which also suprised me...I thought I wasn't the "type." Aside from the idea that I want to look "HOT" in my 40's, really I just want to feel strong again...cuz I remember liking that feeling. A lot.
Oh, and? Michael ordered me the Dexter books...can't wait. They will be waiting for me when we get to Washington. And? We are quite possibly buying the cutest car ever while we're down there....my little van can't be imported so we have to sell it while we're down there...and hopefully buy something else. I'd show you, but then one of you might run out and buy it out from under us....not that I don't trust each and every one of you. I'm gonna miss my van, though. I love her.
And? Practicing lessons from U-Dog, I took Eem-er out "off-leash," just her and I yesterday. Faced my own fear about it, and dropped her dragline on the ground...and we both did pretty well, I think. It was way better than I anticipated. We're going out again today while the chicken stock cooks...
Chicken stock...it's soup weather again. Sigh.
Anyhoo, that's enough rambling, isn't it?

Exquisite

Tell me again about the Flaws,

about the warps, and the buckles, and the twists,

about the dangerous ways we get lost,

and then listen....

Let me tell you about the Beauty,

about following an uneven path barefoot,

fingertips brushing the high grasses,

eyes seeking, breath exhaling and, even still, trapped.

Find something that steals your sleep...

or your soul...

Something so exquisitely Flawed that it may even break your heart

but leaves it beating, just the same...

and then tell me.

Tell me about the Beauty.

It's take your mom to school day...

Okay, so maybe not...maybe it's cuz I have my own learning to do that I went...to school...with Eem-er...and the U-Dog, Rob Kerr. I rode in the bus, too....with a pack of nine dogs...
It was better than Disneyland. I swear. Louder and with a bit more slobber, but still better than Disneyland! You know what I learned in school today? That I have a better dog than I gave her credit for... and that she will come back to me(eventually), if I give her a little more freedom than I have been. Those times she's bolted from me really scared the bejesus out of me and I have to learn to give up some of that fear...and find better ways of dealing with my headstrong dog.

The hike was amazing...I'd never been out there on that trail before. Some grand scenery, lots of arbutus and moss, and sky and grass and rocky knolls, and vistas....

Thanks for the walk, Rob. And the lesson.