a wee little bit of it

Trust me, our skies don't look like this right now. It tried to snow again today, mixed into the rain. The daffodils are up, the cherry blosssoms are out, but it still looks miserable out there...

and maybe that is, in part, what is going on with me, with us...Michael and I and our place in the world. We have an appointment with the immigration attorney, starting the final processes for me to become a Canadian. We are talking, in guarded tones, of getting hitched this year. It should be a happy time. We should be excited and giddy.

But, it seems we are, all of a sudden, weary of the battles of this neighbourhood, of the constant fight with a certain landlord who, for whatever reasons, has the ability to keep his properties full of drug dealers and drug addicts...it seems that no matter how well the neighbourhood pulls together, it is never enough to turn the tide. How is it possible that one man can make life so very difficult for so many GOOD AND HONEST people?

We don't understand how a city this size has a drug problem this size and a drug enforcement squad of so few. We can't fathom how the population keeps growing but the RCMP doesn't. We can't understand the drive to make a ghetto of the south end of Nanaimo. This is where the history of this town is! Right here.

We don't understand how we can recognize every car that arrives to deal drugs every day, multiple times a day and they are still on the road...every day.

We don't understand how we can be threatened and made to feel unsafe in our homes and there is nothing to be done about it. If we band together and make a big stink, we get much appreciated action for a week or two, but then someone else makes a big stink and we have to start over. We're so tired...and I am sure the RCMP is tired...of us, of the problems, of the lack of manpower, the lack of support.

I love my house. It is everything I could ever have hoped for in a home...every single thing we have put into it, every single plan we have for it is EXACTLY what I have ever wanted in a home in the city. If I had known we would find ourselves here, in this place, I would not have put in my soul. I can't imagine living in another home in Nanaimo. Personally, if I can't have this home, I would just rather move on. Completely. This is the big thing that I have not been able to say. I don't want to give up my home...but I was never a good fighter.

I have other homes in my dreams, but not city homes...and the thought of moving to another home here makes me ache. If I have to move away from this house, I want it to be for another dream come true, not because I have given up. A home on the beach...or life on the road in an Airstream....a cabin in Colorado.

So there it is...a wee little bit of the torment I am in right now. Was it worth the anticipation?