After a good night's sleep

and a slow awakening in the sun, sipping coffee and eating breakfast in our tiny cabin,

watching the working boats coming and going, we finally headed out for the beach. Follow us...

It's just down these stairs.....Florencia Bay Beach. Initially we thought, due to the season, that we would be coming up here to do a little storm watching....watching the big waves crest, thunder on the shores and rocks. As beautiful as a stormy beach is, imagine our delight when we arrived at the beach during the most beautifully sunny, warm winter weekend.

WoooooooooooooooooooooooooHooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Aside from a few surfers and a couple of other beachcombers, the place was practically all ours!

I don't know how long we walked.

Hours upon hours.

Exploring.

Tickling sea anemone , feeling their sticky tentacles try to capture our fingers.

Braving the waves for photos in the tidal pools along the surf.

By the time we felt "done" being here, it was time to head back to the cabin to bbq up a beautiful rib-eye steak and grill some zucchini with truffle oil and quaff back some cold beer while listening to the sea lions bark and sing.

What a beautiful way to spend a day.

Thanks for coming along with us, but we're not sharing our rib-eye!

We still have a walk in the bog and Long Beach coming up so y'all better rest up.

bye now

Not many words....

but it is about time....we stopped at Little Qualicum Cheeseworks on the way to the "other" coast(funny, cuz we live on an island!)...they were having an open house to their new fruit winery and I am a sucker for blackberry wine. Theirs? YUMMY!!!!! Stop by and try some out. We also left with some raspberry wine and some blueberry....go figure. However, they don't have Rhubarb Wine, which is one of my very, very favorites...and I haven't found it up here at all.

Before we went to check in to our cabin, we stopped for a little walkabout. The sound of the surf breaking and breaking...it's beyond music. It is a time ago that Michael and I shared full of magic...the noise, the sound, that was the ever present backdrop to the time we fell in love together....

When we held no mortgage.....

and walked the sandy beaches every day, listening to the rolling waters....

when there were no hookers out our front window....

or drug dealers in our back alley.....

when we didn't have to REMEMBER how to breathe...we just breathed.

We live on an island. We can see the water from our window, but this is a different kind of coast. Coastal dwellers know what I mean when I say that....the personalities of the beaches, one harbour town compared to one surfer town....

This was our first walk, on our first day....a gorgeous rainforest on the coast...a straight line between sand and towering trees. Slightly surreal and completely gorgeous.

Then we went in to check in to our cabin....this is the view off the back deck. The sea lions were barking and singing to us...so much nicer than traffic and crackheads.

This was our cabin...tiny, yes, but it had everything we ever needed...and? In reality? Not very much smaller than the bungalo Michael and shared on South Padre Island. Truly. And quite a bit bigger than the VW bus....with hot running water and a tub on the deck overlooking the water.

So peaceful, listening to the sea lions, watching the light fade...no chores, no alarm to set....

and a little blackberry wine.

There's more....come back again?

But where, oh where, does it end?

We are home from the "other" coast....you know we live on an island, right? so saying home from the coast just doesn't really work out.....and? now? I work the rest of the week...just got called in, so, um...ya know....photos forthcoming....but don't hold your breath too long. i'll get around to it when I can. but it was sheer gorgeousness, so please come back.

it's just that something isn't the same....

I had a great time with Emily here...we had a great time, I laughed lots....lots of hugs and smiles and love and tenderness. I needed it, felt my heart break in a good way....we had good, great, grand times...and next weekend? Michael and I take off for the other coast of this island for some storm watching, some much needed time away together, some sweetness and some time dedicated to just each other..in a private little cabin by the water....and I am feeling better, I am. I can feel it, the lightening of something, the shifting....it's just that...I don't know what "normal" is supposed to feel like now. A wise woman I know said that our "normal" is going to be different now. So finding it may be the challenge. Anyhoo, I just wanted y'all know to know that I am, indeed, feeling a little stronger, a little more like myself(for whatever that's worth)....and I hope that my family, my friends, my true loves, are beginning to find their joys again, as well...finding the cadence of their breaths, their heartbeats, their loves, their lives, a new rhythm, their different normal.
I hope that we all feel the joy and pain.
And Remember.
I love you.
All.

What's better than a ride at Disneyland?

A ride on the U_Dog bus and walkies with Rob. Here, let me show you. WWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Everybody outta the bus, now!

And they're off.....

Who's that good girl? NOT! My dog was rotten this day...don't let her cuteness or the fact that I dress her in pink fool you. She was not one of Charlie's Angels today...or my angel....or Rob's, for that matter. But you know what???? I know that about her. Eem-er is a dog with issues...with behaviours. There is no miracle cure. U-Dog has helped out tremendously.....

but when you "rescue" a dog(not that I did, I merely adopted a dog somebody else took a beating for! That's the guy who rescued her!), and they come with all this stuff you don't know about or how to address....it's not the end of the world. Find some help. Nothing worth anything happens overnight. Be HONEST with with your trainer. If you don't know what is what with your crazy canine, then say so. But if you do? It means ALL THE DIFFERENCE. If your trainer tells you HOW to do something, then do it. For real. That's what you're paying them for, after all. Isn't it?

Seven out of ten dogs(that's 70 percent!) are not with their original owners/adopters. 70 percent. Those are the ones still breathing air. Isn't that completely, irrationally insane? Sometimes? Shit happens. Dogs take off. They bark. They chew. They sometimes shit on the floor. They follow their noses, they can't think their way through a stressful situation, instinct takes over, previous crappy life bullshit confounds everything....and we(the large-brained humans) all have to take a step back...how do we cope?

Really, I hardly ever learn anything the first time around and my brain is way bigger than a beagle's. So folks, please!!!!

Take just a moment before you adopt that darling puppy. Can you devote 10 to 18 years? No matter what? If you "rescue" a dog.....er, what I truly mean is Adopt a dog from a rescue situation, are you willing to do the homework? If that dog comes with issues, and any reputable rescue organization SHOULD tell you.....are you willing, able to deal with it?

I surely had no clue...after raising and caring for my own first beloved beagle, and, finally, losing her, I surely had no clue about "rescue." All I knew is that I needed to love a dog...and go for walkies...and there is no dog for me, other than hounds....so...here is Eem-er. I am the larger brain...I asked for help and must accept it. Sometimes, even with all the best intentions, she is going to be a dog. Gosh darn it.

Look Up

Seriously, folks...I have been so glum lately that I annoy myself. It's just been kind of hellacious inside my head this winter. But just these past few days, I feel a bit of a lightening. I still have a hard time feigning "being fine" for eight and a half hours at work, but I don't have to worry about that today or tomorrow. Also, suddenly, I have a lot of things to look forward to...I have plans. Whoa. Emily is coming this weekend. Hooray! It's been so very too too very long since we have been together...we're gonna go to the Fox and Hound one night and feast. We're going to have a dinner here...we're gonna LAUGH! Then next weekend Michael is whisking me away to a private cabin in Ucluelet... I can't believe it. It's very romantic and exciting and just the slightest bit(alright hugely) suprising! But in a very good way. And my friend Michelle and I are trying to book a week here. Michael has been putting a little bit of all of my paychecks away in what he calls my "Fun Fund." It may have just enough to cover this trip...and I sure could use a dose of Fun... and Sun...so, yeah, why not? And then....there is this...so I will have to head over to Vancouver that weekend to meet Heidi and to see my friend's band. That's a lot of weekends to ask off for someone hired to work weekends but I am going to try hard to be everywhere I need to be this month and next... because you just gotta try, right?!?
And, on top of all that? Guess who's coming to Vancouver in May? Go on now, guess.
Oh, and!!!!
It's sunny today and I am going to go walk Eem-er at the beach right now!!! Woot woot!
k, so bye.

(S)he's got rhythm...

I have had Sebastion a good ten years now...(s)he travelled in the the VW from South Padre Island to Vancouver Island with Michael and I. He(or she) is a good little soul, but you'd think after ten years, I would know most of what there is to know about him(or her), other than gender. Aside from the clunking around the crabitat, climbing and bumping along the windowsills and countertops, etc, he (or she) had never made a sound. Didn't oooh and aaah at the Grand Canyon, was non-plussed by Zion, Monument Valley, Shiprock, the Oregon Coast or the Redwoods. Not a peep out of him(or her) crossing the border into a foreign country, has never thanked me for garlic smashed potatoes or a bite of chicken....but last week, Sebastion was
singing. It was amazing. Sang for hours...I figured, after 10 years, maybe he(or she) is lonely and calling out to find someone... so off to Petco and voila....another addition to the family. A week later, all seems well. Sebastion was entirely overzealous during the initial introductions, but has calmed right down. Thank goodness. Our new crabbie has remained healthy(they can stress and die easily) and so we have decided it might be alright to name it now...only I haven't thought of a name yet.
Any suggestions?

How does one find oneself so tired at the end of a day Nothing?
How does one raise a fist against something so Un-Nameable?
Weary, Exhausted and yet Sleepless,
I count the hours til dawn…the battery powered clock keeps time, tick tick, with my heart,
Until the slightest light in a milk-white winter sky brings me to sleep,
Brings the comfort of a pink sunrise, however pale…
At least it is Something
At least it is Comfort.
At least I think I believe I can hear you say my name in the pinkishness
And Tell me Everything is Fine.
everything is just Fine now…
And tomorrow, I am gonna laugh out loud, I swear. I promise.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
I can hear your laughter echoing mine…
And Everything is going to be Fine now….
because I Can still hear you.

a walk in the fog...

Though here in town, much of the snow is gone, out in the prime dog-walking spots, it's still here. Hard, crusty and difficult to walk in....and did I mention how much fog we've had??? Day after day of it. So strange.The days are passing in a detached manner...or rather, I am passing through my days in a detached manner...except when those moments of sadness or panic find their way through. I am looking for signs of Spring already. Not finding many, but still looking.

Got up this morning to watch an historic inauguration, have some champagne chilling for when Michael gets home..I even see some sun out there today. All in all, doesn't seem like the day to be holding on to sadness...

I am still not sure about finding words right now.

So I hope a quiet walk with Eem-er and me is fine with you all today.

So, that's about it for now.

I'll be around again soon.

and still...

still there are no words that i wish to share
other than "love..."
there is never enough time to get everything right.
there is never enough opportunity to say all that you need to say...
but love...remember to love.

I don't know where I am right now...

other than here, and now, muddling through.
Best wishes and love to you all.

we are breakable...

we are fragile
we are part and parcel of this world
and sometimes,
sometimes nothing,
nothing makes any sense....

tomorrow, maybe
i will have wings again...
tattered, broken, fragile wings,
but wings, all the same
and i remember flight
i remember you


for Dylan, who left us far too early.
dearest, we miss you.

Where to begin and what to say....

My friend died suddenly just before Christmas. I am still a little unaccepting of the news. It can't possibly be real. After my flight home to Vancouver Island yesterday was cancelled, I spent the night in the SeaTac Holiday Inn Express fully committed to the idea that I was, eventually, going to wake up from this dream. It must be a dream...because it is surreal to think I spent part of Christmas day sewing a button on the pants I was planning to wear to a memorial service...and surely, I couldn't possibly be spending New Year's Eve in the SeaTac Holiday Inn Express watching Animal Planet after a cancelled flight and wondering if I was having this dream over and over and over again. And I really, truly couldn't have spent the past few days among my loved ones grieving over his death, feeling useless and ineffectual in the face of their grief. This cannot possibly be real. Please wake me up.
At the Memorial, there was paper and pens out to write memories on to share with his daughters, that they may find pieces of him that they wouldn't know otherwise...memories of this man, this friend of mine, a father, a son, a brother, uncle, cousin, nephew, teacher, troublemaker, storyteller, game player...I found myself wordless in the face of those pages. I found myself wordless when the stories were told round the circle of faces of people there to share...I could find only tears, only wishes to be far, far away or wishes to take everyones' pain onto myself...I could only hold on to my friends, and my grief, and weep.
But that's not fair to Pickle. I can call you that now and you can't get mad! Pickle Pickle Pickle. Gotcha. I love you.
So, I will write out some stories for his daughters soon, but this post...this is for me and the entire family....
My memories of Pickle are so intertwined with his family(brother and mother) that I cannot separate them yet...in younger years, his family home was a safe haven in the chaos that could sweep over mine. Later, this family has saved me from myself a time or two, housed me in difficult times, made me remember my own tenderness, signed leases with me, held me while I cried, celebrated happy things. I have called in the wee hours, distraught, to have have someone sit on the phone with me(thanks, Pickle) forever until the sobs and hiccups subsided and I could fall asleep. I have eaten at their tables. They have eaten at mine. Their homes have sheltered me in good times and in bad times. I have been at the bottom of the dogpile of their accumulated children watching Disney videos. I have never played board games with anyone other than them (and Michael). The women these brothers have brought to my life are triumphant and beautiful and I love them as if I have always known and loved them.
I don't know where I would have been in this life without them...they have direct bearing on who I am, what I am, where I am and how I relate to this world. So, despite the fact that Pickle could be infuriating, stubborn, hard-headed, lost in his own world....despite the fact that he could really piss me off sometimes(I can say that, right? I still love him!)....I am at a loss because just knowing he was out there in this world with me, breathing the same air, meant something. Meant a lot, in fact. More than I might ever be able to say.


Forgive me if you are not living
If you beloved, my love,
If you have died
All the leaves will fall on my breast
It will rain in my soul all night,
All day
My feet will want to march
To where you are sleeping
But I shall go on living.

Pablo Neruda

Dearest friend.
I will miss you tremendously.
Safe journeys.
We'll see each other again one day.
I love you.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Michael and I took Eem-er up to Harewood Mines for a walk yesterday. Holy Frostbite, Batman. Seriously. There were no other tracks through the snow up there yet. We thought we would be blazing the first trail. Sweet!

We hiked less than a third of our normal walk...which, really, is none too strenuous to begin with. The snow was deep and cold. Beneath it, ice and mushy puddles.

My feet would feel so heavy and when I would down, there would be a huge ball of ice stuck to my shoelaces. My jeans were soaked to my knees. Eem-er started the walk in her red, sheepskin-lined coat(don't laugh, that little dog just can't take this weather), but not far into the walk, it was doing nothing but holding a layer of snow and ice next to her skin. Once the coat came off, she was ready to roll....

for about five minutes. This poor little girl just can't take it....

Look at how miserable she is...she just STOPPED walking. When I went to see if she was alright, she literally climbed up me to get out of the snow. That's a pretty desperate thing for her, since she really HATES being carried. There was ice between her poor toes and she just shook and shook. What else could I do? I carried her...until I fell, plunging her, myself and the camera into the snow. Nice.

So, Michael dried the camera(whew) and I tried to warm my aching hands(didn't have gloves on), Eem-er decided to try walking on her own...for about 45 seconds. Then she stopped walking again, waited for me to come to her and crawled into my arms again, even with the knowledge that I had just dumped her in the snow a minute earlier.

By the time we reached the car, I couldn't use my fingers anymore...so cold they felt like they were burning.

We all hunkered around the pellet stove when we got home...we must get a bigger pillow with room for everyone.