movin' on up? m'eh. not so much

just passed Lefty...two blocks from here at the off-leash dog park....probably selling meth or crack to whomever he was with in the shade. i know him well enough to know it's him. so should Nanaimo RCMP. he used to sell out front or out back of our last house...all the time, or hit those newbies to the street with extra up for freebies.... he thought he knew me, i could tell by how he looked at me....just couldn't place me. we've had plenty of words. plenty of altercations... i thought we'd moved up? we've spent a lot of money to get out of there....so?!? now what?

caution, post contains dead pigeon.

don't say i didn't warn you.

this is at the kiddie park around the corner from here yesterday morning...i don't really know my birds(although that mass of feathers on the ground is definitely one dead pigeon), but i think it may be a peregrine falcon.

and although it's kind of gruesome that it's killing ground this particular morning was about 3 feet from the playground equipment....

i still think it's pretty freaking cool.

what does it mean????

that's what i'm trying to find out.....but it feels like the closer i get to my truth...ya know, via(my trapped in let's look everywhere else but at reality mind) mind altering drugs and therapy, the harder and harder it is to hold my tongue. you know, i have absolutely ranted here....about things and people that mean little or nothing. for the rest, i have always adhered to "can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." you know, no matter what they say about me. but i am a grown up. i should absolutely be able to speak my mind without feeling cowardice, or maliciousness, or guilt. i mean, games are games, and ridiculousness is ridiculousness when other people have to live with it, too. i mean, not just me. apparently, i can put up with more than most...
seems a little late to be learning such things. but damn........i really think i am going to hate things when the things i've always wanted to say start really flowing.......

i didn't think this would be my day today

my friend called to say her cat was sick. i knew it was more. he'd been sick the last week or so. tragically sick. vet visits, hope, no hope, try this try that...
i knocked on her door. she let me in....and i knew. i knew she needed help with a decision. this cat, this wonderful orange-coloured tomcat soul had been my neighbour long before i knew my friend. the previous owners of the house were my neighbours, and i've written about this cat before. they sold and moved and a most delightful couple moved in two doors down. one year later, the cat came back. he loved his home so much.
he arrived the day after my friend and neighbour lost a precious soul. he arrived, walked in the door, and provided a comfort few people could.
now? with a new precious soul in the works, and blooming, i guess he found his calling over with. it's as if his work was done. he came home, made his peace and blessing known....and when all things seemed on the right track, he decided to leave.
but it was a magical story...
and we loved him.
we love him.
we love his orange-coloured tomcat soul.
i drove them to the vet.
i sat with them.
i waited for his last breath....reliving the ache it will cause.
we drove him home.
dug a hole. found a porcelain doorknob in the hole. seemed fitting considering the first thing my friend had read this morning was that thing about when god closes a door......
wrapped in love, in history, in legend, and a pink towel, this little-giant orange coloured soul was covered in dirt in the yard of the home he loved so much. so much real comfort from such a tiny thing. who could ever guess what messages a little furry thing might bring?
that something so small could hold so much.
miracles happen, in both happy and sad ways.
he purred.through it all.
it breaks my heart.

yes

still here...trying to restructure...
trying to gather thoughts...
trying to decide how honest to be...
as honesty, lately, has not actually proven to be the best policy.
i'd like to come back.
i just need to........i don't know what i need to do.........
except that i am sure i need to be back here.
just that timing....timing....honesty....honesty....worry worry.

well, okay then...

omg

omg omg omg...
seriously.
how much damage can one person do?
and no, before you ask, it's not me.
i just had to say it out loud. so to speak.
you know, just to say SOMETHING.
ANYTHING.

today is eem-er's 7th birthday

and i am so grateful for the extra time, her check-up last month was good.
today, my friend lost his dog, his longtime companion...i remember that pain. actually, "remember" is not the right word for it. i still live it.
so i feel the slightest bit guilty about "celebrating" eem-er's birthday...but? it also reminds me of the need to.
so sorry, my friend. but kippur is where he will be young and healthy forever. and he's got good company over there while he waits.

the absurdity

is the ache in my brain...mostly.
work for a big company and it's "the man, the machine" that gets to you.
work for a small company and it's actually a man, or two...or ya know, a woman. or two.
look at the bigger picture of life? it's overwhelming.
try to take one day at time? too limiting.
i stumble around trying to think that i overthink things.
that it's me.
but you know what?
i see things just fine.
i see the the absurdity.
and that, that is what causes the ache.

tomorrow is my daddy's day.....

dad, we didn't always know each other....you had a whole life before me....of adventure and growing up kids and mom(bless you)

full of your own history and decisions and what worked and didn't....

and i know we've had some hard times seeing eye to eye...i'd like to think it's cuz we're so alike...

but honestly? as every day passes? i love you more.

and every time i listen to a willie nelson song, i hear your voice singing to me....and maybe you don't know how often i listen to willie but it's like, literally, every day....and? also? American Pie by don mclean....i remember sitting in the passenger seat of some blue american built car while you sang...it's a vivid, beautiful memory....

and i miss you lots, every day.

so yeah....shit happened. so what?

i can't believe how much your eyes light up when one of us, your children or grandchildren, walk into a room where you are....it is most beautific. it is one of the greatest gifts. thank you.
you gave me great siblings, and colourful aunts and uncles and memories, stories that weren't mine but now are....it wasn't always easy, for either of us, for any of us, but that has meant the lessons learned were more heartfelt. thank you.
Daddy, i love you. Hoping it's another beautiful Father's Day. Wish i was home, so much more than you might imagine. i'll be home soon, tho.
loveloveloveabsolutelove

you know it's just this thing in my head

but maybe there's something wrong with my head

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i have spent nights with matches and knives
leaning over ledges only two flights up
cutting my heart, burning my soul
nothing left to hold
nothing left but blood and fire
you have spent nights thinking of me
missing my arms but you needed to leave
leaving my cuts, leaving my burns
hoping i`d learn
but blood and fire
are too much for these restless arms to hold
and my nights of desire they`re calling me
back to your fold
and i am calling you, calling you
from 10,000 miles away
won`t you whet my fire with your love
babe
i am looking for someone who can take as much as i give
and give back as much as i need
you know and they still have the will to live ah no
cause i am intense, i am in need
i am in pain, i am in love
and i feel forsaken you know
like the things i gave away
and blood and fire
are too much for these restless arms to hold
and my nights of desire they`re calling me
back to your fold
and i am calling you, calling you
from 10,000 miles away
won`t you whet my fire with your love
babe, babe, babe
i am intense, i am in need, i am in pain, i am in love
you know i am intense, i am in need, i am in pain, i am in love
i am intense, i am in need, i am in pain, i am in love
and blood and fire
are too much for these restless arms to hold
and my nights of desire they`re calling me
back to your fold
and i am calling you, calling you
from 10,000 miles away
won`t you whet my fire with your love
babe
won`t you whet my fire with your love
babe now
whet my fire with your love

what saves me most of all is the music....

it's finding that somebody has the words to say the things i cannot...

it gives me hope when others find the words i want....

and the message i'd like to send along, and believe in...

i pray, too

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out onto Grey St.
And she thinks...hey
How did I come to this
I dreamed myself thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together
To grey, and it breaks her heart

Oh how she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears He doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her He might
She says I pray
But my prayers, they falls on deaf ears
Am I supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place
There's a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now,
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together
It's grey, and it breaks her heart

There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them real as anything
It will take the work out of the courage
She says please
There's a crazy man creeping that's outside my door
I live on the corner of Grey Street
And the end of the world

Oh there's an emptiness insider her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together
To grey
And it breaks her heart...Oh and it breaks her heart
To grey, Yeah...

I'm sorry, did i mention i was going to see Martin?

No stalking incidence this time...only because Michael said we should stay on the bus one more stop so we wouldn't have to walk so far...as soon as the bus pulled out of the Burrard Street stop on route to the Howe Street stop?!? There was Martin(seriously, no lie!!!!), walking down Robson Street with a coffee in his hand, talking to someone next to him. If we'd gotten out at Burrard? We would've walked right into him and the fact that i had carried his newest cd and a sharpie easily accessible wouldn't have seemed so sad. Damn, damn, damn.


And the whole Commodore experience???? the sound was excellent, no complaints there....the fact that we "reserved a table for $30 in exchange for the idea that we'd spend that on drinks and dinner?" idea...false advertising. fuck the commodore. we paid $30 for the table and were still expected to pay for drinks and dinner? no frickin' way. we made our way to the closest front line of Martin we could, abandoning our table.




and Martin? of course, he was Martin. Unbelievable live. You just don't know until you experience it...experience him. he makes you feel differently about folk, about gospel, about rock...how the music IS the experience, not the "show"....not the media, not the notariety, not the whatever...actually? You forget all about the word "whatever." He reminds us what the movement of music is supposed to be...no media, no weird hysteria(except mine?!?)




it was such a moment to look forward to...and i loved it...i did...but? i "recognize" Martin's crowd is used to seeing him in these publike settings...but seeing him at the Vogue Theatre before? i prefer the theatre setting...the sitting down, the respect, the sound of his voice over everyting....not the girls talking loudly next to me about their fricking nails? or the really tall guy in front of me not wanting to stand too close to his male friend as the night went on and kept stepping back into my space, even though i had my hand against his back...
i love that i was so close...i do...don't get me wrong....but?
i am not into the bar scene...if i pay to hear music??? that's what i want...i don't want to hear a hundred drunk patrons singing along....i don't want to wrestle my place to see someone who speaks to me from someone speaking on the celphone to somebody about anything except where they are and that they should just hang the fuck up!!!! also???? maybe it's just me...but i really wish there had been more music from his new album....like Shane, like Sugarcoating....i mean, i do so LOVE everything, but wasn't this the forum for his new music?!? I LOVE the new album...and paid to have it shipped early to me to know the new songs....and i missed hearing how they could be portrayed differently live....this is Martin's greatest gift, his live show.it will change you. and i kind of missed hearing how he might sound live on his most "studio sounding" album...

But? Martin???? you were simply beautific. thank you. as always, and forever....thank you. come back soon. i will so lovingly stalk you again. not scary stalk...but lovingly stalk.

Revival

tonight, i worship in the church of Martin.
Commodore Ballroom, Vancouver.

it's a very good day.

meet me there?

did i say zen or did i say rat's ass?

I'm not sure what i said. i am not sure what has been going on continually for quite some time now. the paxil? made me feel lots, dream lots(lots of nightmares), revisit lots(things that give me nightmares), drink lots. i don't really know why all those things went hand in hand...except that the things that happened then, and in dreams, i never really want to address.

the comedown from paxil was hellaciaous...worse than the comedown from the illicit things i used to do way back when...of course, when i quit all that, i moved to colorado and lived a dream...so that kinda helped.

the welbutrin? it's been good. not making me any crazier...but? i'm not sure that it helps me anymore than being able to fake my way thru things easier...know what i mean? it makes me not frantic...in the daytime hours. at night? don't ask. just be glad, as am i, that i am within a three minute walk to the hospital now.

the thing is...some days are really, really bad. i think this week is the first week i have ever realized that some days are so bad...this bad...i think the relative calm of most of my days on welbutrin have made me recognize the storm that comes in from nowhere...and that storm?!? it's like that night on South Padre when the streets flooded in minutes, the lights went out everywhere, the wind ripped my door from the hinges....the docks down half a block were gone, the boats overturned in their moorings...tornadoes touched down unnannounced, windows shattered, the woppler radar broke down and all communications were lost...it was just me in the dark...with my dog...who really needed to go out for a pee.
and then it was gone. like that.
and the next day was sunny.
my doctor said that kind of mood swing isn't normal...he actually had a name for it...but i didn't ask him to write it down. but, i have two or three of those storms every month...i clench my teeth, my knuckles turn white....but i go to work and smile, maybe i cry in the bathroom for a bit, and i come home, make dinner, chit chat...take a long shower full of hot water and tears. he, my doc, also says there are drugs for that. on top of the wellbutrin, which has normalized my day to day life in this "major depressive episode," so another decision....another daily med?!? or suck up? i don't know. i'm 42. been sucking up a long, long time.
so....there's this question i'd like to ask...
how do i know just when my crazy has become too crazy, even for me?
do you know?

what i wonder is this....

when you get to a point where you just don't give one royal rat's ass anymore about anything going on around you? is that a good thing or a bad thing? i mean like a zen thing thing or a living in a seperate reality thing?
like this...should i be worried or proud about the state i'm in?

7.6 acres for sale

riverfront...
anyone want to buy in with me so my friend can stay?
my heart is breaking...i anticipate not only losing his sweet breath, but losing 7.6 beautiful river walk acres to land developers...developers who will not want the"dog walkers welcome" sign to remain...not that there will be anything worthy to walk to once it's all developed.
i hope and pray that i am completely wrong.

still don't like her

it's funny how saying you don't like, agree with, or even think she's seeing things in a reality based way(anymore), or that she she doesn't see the real morality of things, only the headlines, Oprah can change your world...
even if you're a nobody to begin with...
so fair warning...
if you don't like what she's saying and/or doing? or? even if you have a legitimate question about a story she's had her opinion on? ....no matter how compelling your argument seems to you, yourself? don't mention it to anybody. just don't do it. bite your fucking tongue. apparently, she has spies everywhere...and your whole life will come crashing down.
just saying...
oprah who?
i'm not saying...
anything.
not even the fact that 90 percent of her book club books i read before her...and people think i like her cuz of my library??? fuck off. i read the Heart is a Lonely Hunter when i was 11...oh, crap...did i just mention oprah and book club in the same post? CRAP. as if it wasn't horrible enough the first time around. oh, and since i am already here?!? A Million Little Pieces is still a great book.

walking through tall cotton

been trying to place my feet carefully, but i can't really see them...you know, figuratively.
it's been a year(and some)...and i wonder if i am coming out of it or if it's the the extra hours of daylight...
many long nights of dark imaginings...
many wishes for other wishes....
lately, although my thoughts are a bit clearer, as i look around me, i realize there are a lot fewer people about. i was not sure, at first, how i would make it. but? it's nice that such decisions have been taken care of...at least for now. it's easier to not have other people telling me how things are, how i should be, how things are supposed to be...
cuz all of those things couldn't have been farther from the truth of my reality for the last year(and some)... i mean, it's nice, and all, that you think you knew what was going on...but, you really didn't...so thanks...you know, for not asking. Thanks for just assuming. it's made some things harder in short term...you know, my short term...that drags on forever....but? it's just because i have issues about hurting your feelings....i mean, not yours, right now, reading now...at least, i don't think it's you. i hope it's not you...i hope you've moved on so that i can be myself here again. has enough time passed? is this a new place? with the same name? i don't want to have to change everything, after all.

in case you haven't heard of him, might i present Martin Sexton

Leon Russel wrote it...but man, Ray Charles could sing it....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftEkEXFcQyE

I've been so many places in my life and time
I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhyme
I've acted out my love in stages
With ten thousand people watching
But we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

I know your image of me is what I hope to be
I've treated you unkindly but darlin' can't you see
There's no one more important to me
Darlin' can't you please see through me
Cause we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

rusty

dear Blogger, and Blogger Friends....
i am rusty with blogging. perhaps i shouldn't have opened myself up so much online....or? perhaps i shouldn't have let my face-to-face friends know about Blahg. now, i find myself editing myself on both fronts. i have always felt honest on both fronts, although what i choose to talk about on both is completely seperate from the other...
here, in print, i have felt safe to convey my innermost thoughts and feelings, even the angry, sordid ones. now? because i have been called into question in my "real" life, i feel i no longer have that/this/our safety net. i don't feel i can put my most honest emotions down. it's been a hard year...and though many people who haven't known me "all my life" may not recognize what's going on, i am sure there are many others who might...
it's just this....i come around in my own time...and my timing has always been off. but? i miss being honest here...in fear of offending someone, anyone, i lose my ability to speak...that is kinda how i am in "real life."
so i kinda wish the two had never come together, right? even though the reason for starting this Blahg was to keep in touch with my "real" world.
does any of that make sense?

if wishes were horses....

this is my safe place....a horse whose name i don't even know. i found him during a dog walk a few years back...and have been so thankful for that. i'd like to take him home with me and keep him in my yard, take him for a walk every day, breathe the same air, comb the tangles from his hair...
if wishes were horses, he'd already be mine.

ever had those kind of days when....

you don't really know if it is a good day or bad day...or just another day? yeah. i kinda got that going on a lot lately.

toughbounce

it appears i have a weird blogger stalker....let's call him/her Snarky.  that's the kind of comments It leaves.  

Seriously, if you have nothing better to do than leave snarky comments? might i suggest the white house webpage? or ottawa's?  

also? if you post snarky remarks under the name of Anon?  well, really? do i really care about your comments?   no.  

if you can't claim them, don't say them.

have i done something to you? something that makes you find some reason to follow my blog? evidently, if you're following, you find something you like...but you post such "snarky"  comments...i doubt you like it but..........you're still here.

yes, i delete them, your comments...they are neither prophetic nor constructive....kinda like the porn links i hate.

 if you have your own site, and i lambasted you, i might understand........but really? would i ever do that? not really. so...... move on, Dear Anon.  there must be more folks willing to argue. i'm not that person. i'm just trying to say what i need to say to get along in my life...i don't mind a little opposition, but snarkiness for the sake of snarkiness?  especially anonymously, means you don't deserve the platform. 

it's Springtime.....

and you know what that means....time to check out Piper's Lagoon.

We had friends visiting this week, so we got to look at our favorite park with fresh eyes during our dog walk.

And? Our timing was perfect. Chocolate lilies in bloom!!!!

Everyone took a moment to stop and smell the flowers...or the leftover rabbit scents, as the case may be.

Blankets and blankets of fawn lilies...this park is amazing.

There's always a special moment to find.

How much do you think this waterfront property goes for?

I am always a sucker for fungus!

High contrast.

Sea spray.

My one millionth photo of Shack Island. Nearly, anyway.

Another sea spray?!? I am not too sure. It nearly looks like cherry blossom.

....and last but not least, succulent succulents.

You know, since this new computer came into my life, Blogger is kinda hard to navigate. I don't know if it's the computer or Blogger, per se, but once i load photos, i can't type anything without it coming up highlighted as if it's a link. so i have to write in the edit page and then i can't look at my photos so my commentary is lost because there is nothing poetic about looking at html. i guess if i were blogging more, i might be able to figure it out. then again, i probably couldn't. if you all have a clue for me?!? i would be greatly appreciative.

Thanks for walking with us!

lightening up.....

So Beauty Queen is up and running...the painting and construction are done....for the most part.  If you're here in town and need a style or a bit of colour....something new and fresh?  Might I suggest you give the Beauty Queen and Fabu(once known as Brian) a call. 

if these shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended....

what i find the hardest part about blogging/facebook/online life is this....

i find that anything i say anymore offends somebody...
somebody that i find a friend.
if i was talking to them, face to face, i would certainly avoid such subjects....
i am a libra, after all...if you even believe in that(don't take that comment personally if you do)

mostly, i think my want to please all comes from a fractious childhood...and the thousand years of wiring in my brain...i have things to say, things to relay, things to explain.

i have folks waiting...for explanations. 

at the same time....i feel i have nothing to explain....i have offended...i have been offended. i haven't called you on it.  i mean, not you literally....but still.....you know.  

you know what i mean?

no, i guess you don't...not you, literally... but still....you know?

that was a good show.....

been painting my friend's new place of business, she's opening up her own shop... unexpectedly she handed me two tickets to see a show tonight....

http://www.amazon.com/Trifecta-Pavlo/dp/B002Q9PMG0

thanks ever so...it was a great evening.

thinking pretty highly of himself....

 I have always wanted to see Sting live...so,  I think to myself here is the Golden Opportunity to do so...he's gonna be at Vancouver's Centre for the Performing Arts... I saw k.d. lang there...it's a magical place, not too big, great sound.  Tickets went on sale today, and even though I have nearly emptied my fun fund after my car died right in the middle of major home structural repairs, I thought it would be something really special...ya know, since any hope of a trip to Mexico is off this year. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Tickets?  $267.00.  Each.

Sorry, Sting, but I believe you're thinking a little too highly of yourself.   I was sixth row center for k.d. lang, took my friend along with me, we stayed overnight,  it still cost me less than one ticket would to your show. Seriously.

But have i mentioned i AM going to see Rick Mercer in two weeks?  And i AM going to see Martin Sexton in June, I  believe...maybe it's May.  

 

To the asshole leaving comments that lead to porn pages

FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it would be really shitty if i have to turn on comment moderation because of you, asshat!

sadly

i won't be there to try out all Heidi's dresses for the Junos red carpet.Happily, Crafty Missus will be there to take care of all alterations... because, if you haven't heard, Mr. John "Beetle" Bailey has been nominated for the FOURTH time in a row...he's got it once before, and now we all know this is his moment.  It's not like we have to root for him, since we all know he's got it in the bag, eh?  But??? Keep that hope in your heart right up....it certainly worked for Team Canada....and we all know how that turned out, eh?

my boyfriend's best friend's band made a video

and i like it....go figure.....hey, Jethro, what do you think?

mushy

goodness