Ratz

i was hoping that my bah humbuggeyness would subside....it hasn't.  i was hoping things would look new and exciting as this month drew to a close...they don't.  but there is still a new year on the horizon.  i am absolutely aching for change, for peace, for a sounder sense of self.  

Aren't you?

2009 was harder than most. 

right? 

what i hope for is a better year in 2010.   don't care about Whistler Olympics or Rah-Rah- Go Bristish Columbia.  what i hope for in this coming year is this....that we all find firmer footing, that we all remember everything/everyone that has graced our lives.  What i hope for for the coming year is this...somewhere, somehow, we all find that balance that we seek... in spite of outside forces, in spite of inner dialogue....

we deserve it.

so, my friends...

truly, let's make sure we strive to make this our best year ever...

talk to you soon, eh?

my name in print

despite my many negative feelings about December; every horrible holiday experience experienced coming up in every dream, the many December/January losses(some really fresh and others long simmering), the longlonglong days of grey, the days of waking up in the dark and going to bed in the dark, my own self-diagnosis of Seasonal Affective Disorder(which may be heralded if the freaking intake nurse at Mental Health would ever return my call, hello???? )...i have had a couple, or three, break-throughs in my gloominess.... still holiday Grinchy.....don't get me wrong there.  This will always be a tough sell month for celebration for me.  I will go into that  with the intake nurse, if i can ever get a hold of them...(that's you, Nancy!).

This month, despite many, many weeks of not taking a single picture(of feeling there was nothing worth recording on my end), i have had three successes....i have one photo in a Canada province-wide magazine on fishing, of all things.

(i don't fish, though).  

I have a photo being printed for greeting cards, all the proceeds of which go to getting animals rescued and adopted.  I have a photo(of the same rascally dog) being published for a training pamphlet/online course to teach police officers  across the US and the public about the horrible crime of dog-fighting rings.....maybe you all know Marley...if not....http://www.flickr.com/photos/59041131@N00/3681946835/ follow all links... his story will make your heart both break and re-invent itself....truly.

 I love him...it's not the first time i have written about him....if this is your first read, then let me introduce him to you...http://www.flickr.com/photos/59041131@N00/3681946835/ 

So, funny enough...it's been a long time i haven't felt like i have contributed a thing....and now, it's Christmas Eve, and I find that this night, of all nights, i might make some small difference.  it's good. it feels good. 

i do love to find moments that no one else does.

although i mostly doubt anyone finds those moments when i find find them....this time, this most precious time of my life, i have been proved wrong.  

i love those moments.

i love dogs. and these moments.

i love that i made some impact.  however small.

and so, with that small statement of gratitude, even if you don't know what the past year of my life has meant( in all the greater and lesser degrees, and assuredly NOT  in comparison with yours, for i make no comparisons of high times or low times(we all deal with our own times/experiences/phobias/stressors in our own way, in our time)), i have been/ am/ will be/ forever thankful of your input, your participation, your available input and advice, your insight into my life, your guidance, your intuitiveness.

i have not been here much lately, in words or posts....but i have been here...listening....learning... trying to accept your friendships, your input, your advice...

Peace on Earth, my friends.  

And prayers for our most fulfilling year to come.

Merry Christmas

Dylan

 one year ago today....we, the collective we of all who knew and loved him as well as those denied that honour, lost someone most treasured. as kids, we called him Pickle. An especially humbuggy year for me, imagine that today, one year later, i find myself looking at this christmas ornament...love is never lost.

Dearest Pickle....we love and miss you so.

Peace everlasting.

hey, y'all....

how the hell are ya????
seriously?
yeah, i have been gone a while...and not sure i am "officially" back...but, today has been a beautiful day, blue skies, no rain, warm enough for two layers instead of four and dry enough for no rain gear....
the new hood is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo quiet.....we're still not unpacked, we moved in while we were both sick...me? i still have a fabulous chest cough once in a while, though am able to contain it until moments i am alone. as long as i don't squeal or grow pink curly tail, i consider myself lucky. i wanted to be in touch sooner but things have been....um....chaotic, at the least.
we moved in at a time that Nanaimo was flooding....flood warnings everywhere....weeks of rain, the ground could not absorb it all....which is WEIRD in a place designed to take in rain....we, here on the west coast, are considered a temperate rainforest, after all. we moved in here in a time of great personal reflection on both parts...which leads to other things....
the house is small in consideration of the last...has caused some issues with furniture and hand me downs and bric-a-brac.... we have argued. my meds are creating issues. his moods create issues. the up and down and here and about and what comes next creates issues.
but? this is a lovely house....and for the past two weeks or so, i walk eem-er every day throughout this new hood, not worried about encountering situations that i have no patience for.
i have already established a route past a few of my favourite little houses...yes, little houses here, bungalows, cabins, what you will. also, i let eem-er follow her own nose on these walks and have come across such suprising places around here, wandering indiscrinately back and forth, block by block....
so yeah, as i say, i don't whether i am back "back" or just back in a flash.....
still kicking
though
hope you all are,too

move in day is tomorrow....

but i saw this today and couldn't wait...



we'll talk soon,eh?

i think i'm happy

it'll be some time to get back to you...
we sold our house...without another to move into right away...our household is in storage and in about 4 days, the computer will be, too. we found another place but it isn't available right now.
we're moving to a quiet street, to a quiet house, a tiny house(we must then get rid of much our accumulated clutter, thank goodness), with a private yard....and though i know it's too early to say such things, i do believe we're gonna be alright...that everything is going to be alright. we are making plans...life affirming plans...together.
despite the coming month of homelessness starting(EEK) Saturday....
so look for an update late-ish November....until then, take good care.
and, in case you were wondering? we are STILL going to see John Prine saturday night...are you jealous?

is anybody still here with me???

Yeah, i know, i haven't been around...haven't posted, haven't commented....although the summer has been beyond gorgeous(with plenty of times for swims and camping), and i have participated in some of it.... mostly, this summer, has made me more miserable than any grey and wet and windy fall and winter ever has. In the past few-to-six months or so, I lost Myself. I have been nobody i want to know. My curtains are closed. My life is no longer my own...
i don't know how i came to be this way...other than i can't back down...kinda been the problem my whole long life. If I cannot make the change here, and no one else is willing to...wellllllll... seriously? I am moving on. Fortunately, for me, Michael has agreed.
We are moving onward, upward....i don't need to fight anymore....
I would like to tell you all about things...
once the deals are officially done...
but? until then?
couch surfing is totally worth it all.

still with Martin....surely, you will hear from me soon

fondly, sadly....lovingly....remembered

Today, my very good friend should have turned 39....
I wish I were home, to sit next to him...
I miss my "family" so much right now...
lovelovelove
absolute love

Hey now...did you know?

...this is for you nanaimo crackheads....if you want crack now, come to nicol street pawn and ask where their crack shack is...if they tell you they don't know what you mean? don't believe them.
for anyone else out there who wants to fight the good fight? call nicol street pawn at (250) 716-1674 (block your number or use a payphone, if you feel the need) and tell them you know their rental is a crackshack.
every little bit helps
please and thank you

still living in the church of Martin.

Did you know our new mayor supports BSL? I call that BS!!!

) NANAIMO KENNEL CLUB
Is pleased to present a public forum on“Putting a Muzzle on Dog BITE Incidents in your Community” And “Responsible Dog Ownership”Speaker: Bill Bruce, Director of Animal Services and Bylaws, Calgary DATE: Wednesday, September 23, 2009LOCATION: Beban Park AuditoriumTIME: 7:00 pm to 9:00 pmCOST: No charge to attend If you love dogs and have them in your life, you need to attend this forum to find out what may lie ahead....Find out why the most common "knee-jerk" actions, and traditional bylaws DO NOT work, and discover a role model that has a proven track record that DOES work. Learn about possible dog bylaw changes, bite and muzzling issues and much more. Learn about the dog bylaws implemented in Calgary by Mr. Bruce and why they are among the most successful in North America. Responsible dog ownership and how it affects you and your life, how it impacts on your city, your home and most importantly your dogs. Mr. Bruce will be coming to Nanaimo to share his expertise and knowledge on this important subject with us. As part of the Canadian Kennel Club’s encouragement for Responsible Dog Ownership and RDOG walks being held all across Canada, the NKC invites you to attend this topical and worthwhile presentation.


















Home
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NKC Public Forum
Come and support the NKC on Wednesday, September 23, 2009 for a presentation by Bill Bruce from Calgary.
Mr. Bruce is the Director of Animal Services and Bylaws for the city of Calgary. Calgary has one of the most successful dog bylaw programs in North America.

Please feel free to print and post this flyer, forward to all your friends and neighbors. Everyone will benefit from attending this evening.

If you would like to help the organizing committee on this event, please contact Del Beaulacs (250-716-1701 - beaulacs@telus.netThis email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it ) or Sandi Malcolm (250-729-9920 - mimicker@telus.netThis email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it )

NANAIMO KENNEL CLUB
Is pleased to present a public forum on
“Putting a Muzzle on Dog BITE Incidents in your Community”
And
“Responsible Dog Ownership”

Speaker: Bill Bruce, Director of Animal Services and Bylaws, Calgary

DATE: Wednesday, September 23, 2009
LOCATION: Beban Park Auditorium
TIME: 7:00 pm to 9:00 pm
COST: No charge to attend

If you love dogs and have them in your life, you need to attend this forum to find out what may lie ahead....
Find out why the most common "knee-jerk" actions, and traditional bylaws DO NOT work,
and discover a role model that has a proven track record that DOES work.
Learn about possible dog bylaw changes, bite and muzzling issues and much more.

Learn about the dog bylaws implemented in Calgary by Mr. Bruce and why they are among the most successful in North America. Responsible dog ownership and how it affects you and your life, how it impacts on your city, your home and most importantly your dogs. Mr. Bruce will be coming to Nanaimo to share his expertise and knowledge on this important subject with us.

As part of the Canadian Kennel Club’s encouragement for Responsible Dog Ownership and RDOG walks being held all across Canada, the NKC invites you to attend this topical and worthwhile presentation.






Home Events NKC Public Forum

http://lassiegethelp.blogspot.com/2007/08/dangerous-breeds-dog-bite-statistics.html

Get real...and? BSL? Bullshit Splains Lots(Lucy).

http://saveourdogs.net/2009/08/09/the-calgary-model-for-success/
(must be government or something that this just does not appear automatically as a link...! but???? copy and paste, please. it really is so easy!!!!) And so very, very important.

the answer...not that i have any questions.

it's been like this....

on every front....so please, please....bear with me.

seriously....

if music was religion... and how it makes you feel....
like something better is definitely out there....
waiting to take us home...
ALL of us...
i would convert.
or commit.
to something.
somewhere.

who am i?

seriously, has gospel ever been this good?
AND? I still hate the johns and the drug dealers....and yes, even the crackwhores... but i am human. for now.

maybe we have too many people.........

Goodbye, John Hughes.

All us kids from the 80's will miss your voice... we think you kind of "got us"
lovelovelove
peaceout.

sleep well and sound.

it's been something else lately

i've been somewhere else lately....
these past months are some of the hardest times...and it's hard to write about it. i hate whiners. not allowed in my family. there was no room for it. unless you're on your deathbed? don't call in sick. bleeding? can it be bandaged here at home? just how high is that temperature? i can't take this day of work to make it better. get dressed...go to school. don't say anything about it. you're fine.
it's conditioning.
even now, it's hard to overcome.
it's been a long, hard time.
i am tired.
eem-er is flagging a bit already. sleeping lots. breaking my heart.
work seems harder.
home is difficult. at it's best sometimes.
i miss ease
laughter
i remember plans to get out of here.
to the mountains.
to quietude.
but i think i am the only one who remembers.
been too crazy on the street trying to make things better.
just makes thing worse....

as i have said once or twice before...
i have an overwhelming need to "go home"
but don't know where that is

camp dog

deliciously dirty....
how much i love summer....

sometimes the music says it better....

Ben Harper here

I can change the world

With my own two hands

Make a better place

With my own two hands

Make a kinder place

Oh-

with my

Oh- with my own two hands

With my own

Oh- with my own two hands

With my own

With my own two hands

I can make peace on earth

With my own two hands

And I can clean up the earth

Oh- with my own two hands

And I can reach out to you

Oh- with my own two hands

With my own

With my own two hands

Oh- with my own

Oh- with my own two hands

I'm gonna make it a brighter place(with my own)

I'm gonna make it a safer place(with my own)

I'm gonna help the human race(with my own)(with my own two hands)

Now I can hold you

With my own two hands

And I can comfort you

With my own two hands

But you got to use

Use your own two hands

Use your own

Use your own two hands

Use your own two hands

And with our own

With our own two hands

With our

With our

With our own two hands

Oh- with my own

With my own two hands

I'm gonna make it a brighter place(with my own)

I'm gonna make it a safer place(with my own)I'm gonna help the human race(with my own)

Oh- make it a brighter place(with my own)

I can hold you(with my own)

And I can comfort you(with my own)

But you got

You got

You got

You got

You got

You got

You got to use

Oh- use your own

Oh- use your own

Lord

But you got

You got

You got

You got

You got to use - use

Use your own

Use your own

Use your own

Use your own

Use your own

Use your own

Use your own

Use your own

Use your own

Use your own

* i don't have any words of my own right now....for a while, for some time now... or, at least i can't articulate them. bear with me.

thought i knew ya....

When we met I was wide eyed city boy
Singin in the streets to feed my hope and joy
We had mad lovin and so fast was our flame
When it went out you got so mad
Talkin trash bout me
Comin round at me
Making a tale of fool’s gold my reputation
Little miss sunshine’s who I met that day
When I walked out it felt like a hurricane
Thought I knew ya
Like I could see right through ya
But the look in your eyes took me by surprise
And I lost control
Thought I knew ya
Like I had a direct line to ya
But I was wrong
Then I caught a shooting a star living photograph
A Buddhist hipster from the purple skies of LA
The ground would shake all understanding now
As I was so smitten with her suede
It went from screamin oh baby
To see you later maybe
I aint laughin now how the tables turn
Her fine print swiftly stole away
I’ll see you in the next life baby namaste
Thought I knew ya
Thought I could see right through ya
What a surprise to open your eyes
And find a hole in your soul
I thought I knew ya
Like I had a direct line to some power greater than myself
So I walked down to the Someday Café
To get my cup o coffee for the day
But they tore it down andPut up another bank of the USA
Where my paradise used to be
I thought I knew ya
Thought I knew myself too yeah
The chink in the wall
I scratched it only yesterday
I thought I knew ya
But my lines were rusted through yeah
But to think is wrong but to sing is right
So meet me at the bridge tonight
To see me reflection in the pond
To wonder what’s a goin on beyond
What I’m tryin to say just won’t come out
But I long to hear you say...............

hallelujah

it's been a difficult time, and tough to write...

but i am finding peace here, too....and want to tell you all about...and will....soon enough.
i am reading along with you all....i am here, trying to make a rational thought or two, communing with you all while not commenting....conserving my energy, maybe.
also busy with work, life, hikes, dogs, desires, etc....although there are more hours in the day during these precious summer months, that does not mean those extra hours will be devoted to blogs...there are swimming holes to swim, raspberries to pick, trails to traverse, picnics to devour, and things to be done....as well as words to find.
peace out

it's not that i don't have anything to say...

it's just that i don't know where to begin............

found

Buy this book.

Yeah, This one.
Technically still a preorder, BUT if you read his blog....you know Danny did good. I do.

the cat came back.....

Remember this? Guess who came home? Yup.

sometimes a big heart is not a good thing...

http://www.petplace.com/dogs/a-matter-of-the-heart-congestive-heart-failure/page1.aspx
Eem-er came my way to get me through the grief of losing Maggie. Athough Michael thought getting another beagle would lead to me be comparing the absolute dog-love of my life to another, that just didn't happen. These two could not/have not been further apart in life, love, or doggie experience. Every living thing is individual.
Maggie held my humanness in her heart. Not that she took it with her when she left me, but that she guarded it when i was unable to do so. and she guided me to this little war-torn mutt....
i believe that. i do. Maggie guarded me. I guard Eem-er. we have reasons. we have love.
we've gotten some news yesterday....
if you follow the link above, you'll figure it out, eh?
despite all the fricken' bullshit going on here in my hood right now, the bullshit in my personal life, the upheaval, the second or third thoughts....my dog has a GIANT heart. I have never doubted that. I just never knew that a big heart was a bad thing.
everything seems daunted by this...she's young, and "saved" and should live a long, long life....but that's not to be, apparently. No fault to this...it's genetic they say. her life before, caged, leashed, kenneled, bred beyond all reality may have made shorter....i am angry that i have such little time....i am angry that they can't tell me( but do tell me) it's merely months or could be years. it's not so long ago i did this, went through this....the waiting, the anticipating, the trying to make it all worth it to them....it's so hard.
but she was older....and had such a good life... for so long. Eem-er's only been here a few years.
i want Eem-er to be around long enough to know that there people who care... who dream of a life fulfilled...i want her to know the absolute loving calmness of a dog that knows all is well.
and no matter if it is two months or two years? i want her to be content in the moment. although I doubt i will find myself so.
times are hard right now...
but these little sinkholes to my heart?
as tough as i wanna be?
these things just hurt.

i am tired....

seriously tired....in every sense of the word. i know you haven't heard from me much lately and there are reasons for that...multiple reasons that i am still wrapping my head around....too much at once. i love a good routine( not poutine, just routine) and routine really seems to be avoiding me lately. Lots and lots of work lately. Not that I mind...I love it here. Best job i ever had, with the best people.

Spring/summer seems to have set in without any rain....not much in the way of wildflowers or exciting discoveries during dogwalks...

except root fungus.....which is still lovely.

The tiny daisies are out.

Tiger lilies? I think.

A few of my beloved mosses are blooming despite the lack of rain....imagine all that snow we had this winter only to discover we are already in drought conditions? Somehow that doesn't seem like a rainforest environment, right?

And the tiniest of wildflowers that seem so beautifully GIANT in the face of the onlaught of Crack Hookers and Crack Dealers in the neighbourhood, of late. Again, I have to wonder, WHO is it that designates this area as the drug capitol of Nanaimo? Apparently, the Crack Hookers say that the Nanaimo RCMP bring them back here and drop them off if they are turned in elsewhere. Of course, the RCMP deny this BUT "experiments" have been conducted with the same findings, and interviews with the girls have repeatedly stated the same thing....not officially, of course.

It's been a gong show out here lately...hookers when i go to sleep, hookers when i wake up. They now call me "Psycho" cuz i am out there chasing them, their johns down the street....nice, eh? But nobody seems to do anything about it....except me and Michael...who had a drug dealer threaten to put a bullet in his head recently....super. We are sick....sick of nobody doing anything... sick of a system that can't help people who want help....sick of viha that houses drug dealers instead of those looking for a way off the street. on our tax dollars...

we're tired of finding peace only when we choose to remove ourselves from our home.

we're tired of fighting about what is is we do about being tired.

we're tired of wasting our energies on things this city grinds under the soles of their shoes when we should be putting energy into making a better life for a dog with a time-bomb for a heart...

tired of trying to be a voice in beautiful neighbourhood teetering on the edge of greatness or the edge of destruction ..... we have other issues. we have personal health issues, job issues, life issues....we should be able to devote our "after hours" time to ourselves....

but we find ourselves forever driven to make things better here.

i'd like to concentrate on us now...k?

six one way, half dozen the next

Despite the meds that seem to be working fairly well on my anxiety and depression, some days it just doesn't seem worth fucking waking up. Remember these girls, they will come up later. I do not consider myself a pessimist....not that I really consider myself an optomist, either. Nor, given my history, even a realist. I don't know what you might call me. I hope for the best, expect the worst. It's a curse. It is. One that I don't wish on anyone. When I wake up and go out first thing in the morning, I don't want to see this down the block...I want to see the flag iris in my front yard....sadly, usually, most years, someone steals them during the night. Not those hookers(please, anyone?), my flag irises.

I am tired of the sight of so much that can deconstruct our neighbourhood.....all these folks are waiting for a delivery at the crack house running for two solid years across the street.

I am tired of landlords/slumlords that don't give a flying fuck about the neighbourhood, whether they live in it or not.

Marco...yes, you.

We aren't the only folks investing in this neighbourhood. Trying to bring about a bit of beauty and pride. But, for all that, there are plenty of people who stay inside, who can't be bothered, who bitch and whine without even trying to make a difference.

That makes me tired, too. I am tired of fighting for neighbours who don't seem to give a damn...

it's not that much effort to go outside and try. Just fucking try. Once in a fricking while.

Seriously.

And for those people who are thinking they are coming down here to help the "poor homeless people?" Get in touch with local organizations, please. Hopefully ones not funded by VIHA. Take your donations to the Samaritan House...clothes, home appliances, tvs, video game stations, dvd players, whatever. Samaritan House is trying to make homes for women making a concerted effort to get off the street(apparently except for Amanda). Food donations? 7-10 Club. Or any local food bank. Even food banks in the North End are hurting.....

Please don't come hand out your second hand shoes to hookers in front of my house. Or blankets, or condoms or needles, or toothpaste.....there are about half a dozen agencies within a few blocks for that. Take them there. Please.

Your donations on the street don't make much any difference to them....but makes multiple hookers hang across the street from me, and my neighbours...and brings all the sexually deviant johns into my neighbourhood...where they acost me(or neighbours) as I try to walk up my own street. And then, the next day? I end up picking up all the things you gave them off the street. Thanks, ever so. If you really want to help? Help us find them a safe place to work that isn't in a residential neighbourhood. Go to Council. Make your plea. What you are doing here doesn't help. Try something new. Get down here and see what it's really like.

I wish that I could look at only these parts of life... the tiniest details of beauty.

Remote, intricate....serene. This is how I have always hoped my life to be...

but it seems, these moments are reserved for time away from my own home. How frickin' sad is that?

k, done bitchin'

for the moment