i haven't forgotten

it's just this

nanaimo blahg may need a new name...cuz i find i still want to talk about shit(pardon my french that isn't french) but i really have to find a new format.

movin' on up? m'eh. not so much

just passed Lefty...two blocks from here at the off-leash dog park....probably selling meth or crack to whomever he was with in the shade. i know him well enough to know it's him. so should Nanaimo RCMP. he used to sell out front or out back of our last house...all the time, or hit those newbies to the street with extra up for freebies.... he thought he knew me, i could tell by how he looked at me....just couldn't place me. we've had plenty of words. plenty of altercations... i thought we'd moved up? we've spent a lot of money to get out of there....so?!? now what?

caution, post contains dead pigeon.

don't say i didn't warn you.

this is at the kiddie park around the corner from here yesterday morning...i don't really know my birds(although that mass of feathers on the ground is definitely one dead pigeon), but i think it may be a peregrine falcon.

and although it's kind of gruesome that it's killing ground this particular morning was about 3 feet from the playground equipment....

i still think it's pretty freaking cool.

what does it mean????

that's what i'm trying to find out.....but it feels like the closer i get to my truth...ya know, via(my trapped in let's look everywhere else but at reality mind) mind altering drugs and therapy, the harder and harder it is to hold my tongue. you know, i have absolutely ranted here....about things and people that mean little or nothing. for the rest, i have always adhered to "can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." you know, no matter what they say about me. but i am a grown up. i should absolutely be able to speak my mind without feeling cowardice, or maliciousness, or guilt. i mean, games are games, and ridiculousness is ridiculousness when other people have to live with it, too. i mean, not just me. apparently, i can put up with more than most...
seems a little late to be learning such things. but damn........i really think i am going to hate things when the things i've always wanted to say start really flowing.......

i didn't think this would be my day today

my friend called to say her cat was sick. i knew it was more. he'd been sick the last week or so. tragically sick. vet visits, hope, no hope, try this try that...
i knocked on her door. she let me in....and i knew. i knew she needed help with a decision. this cat, this wonderful orange-coloured tomcat soul had been my neighbour long before i knew my friend. the previous owners of the house were my neighbours, and i've written about this cat before. they sold and moved and a most delightful couple moved in two doors down. one year later, the cat came back. he loved his home so much.
he arrived the day after my friend and neighbour lost a precious soul. he arrived, walked in the door, and provided a comfort few people could.
now? with a new precious soul in the works, and blooming, i guess he found his calling over with. it's as if his work was done. he came home, made his peace and blessing known....and when all things seemed on the right track, he decided to leave.
but it was a magical story...
and we loved him.
we love him.
we love his orange-coloured tomcat soul.
i drove them to the vet.
i sat with them.
i waited for his last breath....reliving the ache it will cause.
we drove him home.
dug a hole. found a porcelain doorknob in the hole. seemed fitting considering the first thing my friend had read this morning was that thing about when god closes a door......
wrapped in love, in history, in legend, and a pink towel, this little-giant orange coloured soul was covered in dirt in the yard of the home he loved so much. so much real comfort from such a tiny thing. who could ever guess what messages a little furry thing might bring?
that something so small could hold so much.
miracles happen, in both happy and sad ways.
he purred.through it all.
it breaks my heart.

yes

still here...trying to restructure...
trying to gather thoughts...
trying to decide how honest to be...
as honesty, lately, has not actually proven to be the best policy.
i'd like to come back.
i just need to........i don't know what i need to do.........
except that i am sure i need to be back here.
just that timing....timing....honesty....honesty....worry worry.

well, okay then...

omg

omg omg omg...
seriously.
how much damage can one person do?
and no, before you ask, it's not me.
i just had to say it out loud. so to speak.
you know, just to say SOMETHING.
ANYTHING.

today is eem-er's 7th birthday

and i am so grateful for the extra time, her check-up last month was good.
today, my friend lost his dog, his longtime companion...i remember that pain. actually, "remember" is not the right word for it. i still live it.
so i feel the slightest bit guilty about "celebrating" eem-er's birthday...but? it also reminds me of the need to.
so sorry, my friend. but kippur is where he will be young and healthy forever. and he's got good company over there while he waits.

the absurdity

is the ache in my brain...mostly.
work for a big company and it's "the man, the machine" that gets to you.
work for a small company and it's actually a man, or two...or ya know, a woman. or two.
look at the bigger picture of life? it's overwhelming.
try to take one day at time? too limiting.
i stumble around trying to think that i overthink things.
that it's me.
but you know what?
i see things just fine.
i see the the absurdity.
and that, that is what causes the ache.

tomorrow is my daddy's day.....

dad, we didn't always know each other....you had a whole life before me....of adventure and growing up kids and mom(bless you)

full of your own history and decisions and what worked and didn't....

and i know we've had some hard times seeing eye to eye...i'd like to think it's cuz we're so alike...

but honestly? as every day passes? i love you more.

and every time i listen to a willie nelson song, i hear your voice singing to me....and maybe you don't know how often i listen to willie but it's like, literally, every day....and? also? American Pie by don mclean....i remember sitting in the passenger seat of some blue american built car while you sang...it's a vivid, beautiful memory....

and i miss you lots, every day.

so yeah....shit happened. so what?

i can't believe how much your eyes light up when one of us, your children or grandchildren, walk into a room where you are....it is most beautific. it is one of the greatest gifts. thank you.
you gave me great siblings, and colourful aunts and uncles and memories, stories that weren't mine but now are....it wasn't always easy, for either of us, for any of us, but that has meant the lessons learned were more heartfelt. thank you.
Daddy, i love you. Hoping it's another beautiful Father's Day. Wish i was home, so much more than you might imagine. i'll be home soon, tho.
loveloveloveabsolutelove

you know it's just this thing in my head

but maybe there's something wrong with my head

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Blood And Fire� lyrics translation:
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Blood And Fire� lyrics

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i have spent nights with matches and knives
leaning over ledges only two flights up
cutting my heart, burning my soul
nothing left to hold
nothing left but blood and fire
you have spent nights thinking of me
missing my arms but you needed to leave
leaving my cuts, leaving my burns
hoping i`d learn
but blood and fire
are too much for these restless arms to hold
and my nights of desire they`re calling me
back to your fold
and i am calling you, calling you
from 10,000 miles away
won`t you whet my fire with your love
babe
i am looking for someone who can take as much as i give
and give back as much as i need
you know and they still have the will to live ah no
cause i am intense, i am in need
i am in pain, i am in love
and i feel forsaken you know
like the things i gave away
and blood and fire
are too much for these restless arms to hold
and my nights of desire they`re calling me
back to your fold
and i am calling you, calling you
from 10,000 miles away
won`t you whet my fire with your love
babe, babe, babe
i am intense, i am in need, i am in pain, i am in love
you know i am intense, i am in need, i am in pain, i am in love
i am intense, i am in need, i am in pain, i am in love
and blood and fire
are too much for these restless arms to hold
and my nights of desire they`re calling me
back to your fold
and i am calling you, calling you
from 10,000 miles away
won`t you whet my fire with your love
babe
won`t you whet my fire with your love
babe now
whet my fire with your love

what saves me most of all is the music....

it's finding that somebody has the words to say the things i cannot...

it gives me hope when others find the words i want....

and the message i'd like to send along, and believe in...

i pray, too

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out onto Grey St.
And she thinks...hey
How did I come to this
I dreamed myself thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together
To grey, and it breaks her heart

Oh how she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears He doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her He might
She says I pray
But my prayers, they falls on deaf ears
Am I supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place
There's a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now,
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together
It's grey, and it breaks her heart

There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them real as anything
It will take the work out of the courage
She says please
There's a crazy man creeping that's outside my door
I live on the corner of Grey Street
And the end of the world

Oh there's an emptiness insider her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together
To grey
And it breaks her heart...Oh and it breaks her heart
To grey, Yeah...

I'm sorry, did i mention i was going to see Martin?

No stalking incidence this time...only because Michael said we should stay on the bus one more stop so we wouldn't have to walk so far...as soon as the bus pulled out of the Burrard Street stop on route to the Howe Street stop?!? There was Martin(seriously, no lie!!!!), walking down Robson Street with a coffee in his hand, talking to someone next to him. If we'd gotten out at Burrard? We would've walked right into him and the fact that i had carried his newest cd and a sharpie easily accessible wouldn't have seemed so sad. Damn, damn, damn.


And the whole Commodore experience???? the sound was excellent, no complaints there....the fact that we "reserved a table for $30 in exchange for the idea that we'd spend that on drinks and dinner?" idea...false advertising. fuck the commodore. we paid $30 for the table and were still expected to pay for drinks and dinner? no frickin' way. we made our way to the closest front line of Martin we could, abandoning our table.




and Martin? of course, he was Martin. Unbelievable live. You just don't know until you experience it...experience him. he makes you feel differently about folk, about gospel, about rock...how the music IS the experience, not the "show"....not the media, not the notariety, not the whatever...actually? You forget all about the word "whatever." He reminds us what the movement of music is supposed to be...no media, no weird hysteria(except mine?!?)




it was such a moment to look forward to...and i loved it...i did...but? i "recognize" Martin's crowd is used to seeing him in these publike settings...but seeing him at the Vogue Theatre before? i prefer the theatre setting...the sitting down, the respect, the sound of his voice over everyting....not the girls talking loudly next to me about their fricking nails? or the really tall guy in front of me not wanting to stand too close to his male friend as the night went on and kept stepping back into my space, even though i had my hand against his back...
i love that i was so close...i do...don't get me wrong....but?
i am not into the bar scene...if i pay to hear music??? that's what i want...i don't want to hear a hundred drunk patrons singing along....i don't want to wrestle my place to see someone who speaks to me from someone speaking on the celphone to somebody about anything except where they are and that they should just hang the fuck up!!!! also???? maybe it's just me...but i really wish there had been more music from his new album....like Shane, like Sugarcoating....i mean, i do so LOVE everything, but wasn't this the forum for his new music?!? I LOVE the new album...and paid to have it shipped early to me to know the new songs....and i missed hearing how they could be portrayed differently live....this is Martin's greatest gift, his live show.it will change you. and i kind of missed hearing how he might sound live on his most "studio sounding" album...

But? Martin???? you were simply beautific. thank you. as always, and forever....thank you. come back soon. i will so lovingly stalk you again. not scary stalk...but lovingly stalk.

Revival

tonight, i worship in the church of Martin.
Commodore Ballroom, Vancouver.

it's a very good day.

meet me there?