sometimes a big heart is not a good thing...

http://www.petplace.com/dogs/a-matter-of-the-heart-congestive-heart-failure/page1.aspx
Eem-er came my way to get me through the grief of losing Maggie. Athough Michael thought getting another beagle would lead to me be comparing the absolute dog-love of my life to another, that just didn't happen. These two could not/have not been further apart in life, love, or doggie experience. Every living thing is individual.
Maggie held my humanness in her heart. Not that she took it with her when she left me, but that she guarded it when i was unable to do so. and she guided me to this little war-torn mutt....
i believe that. i do. Maggie guarded me. I guard Eem-er. we have reasons. we have love.
we've gotten some news yesterday....
if you follow the link above, you'll figure it out, eh?
despite all the fricken' bullshit going on here in my hood right now, the bullshit in my personal life, the upheaval, the second or third thoughts....my dog has a GIANT heart. I have never doubted that. I just never knew that a big heart was a bad thing.
everything seems daunted by this...she's young, and "saved" and should live a long, long life....but that's not to be, apparently. No fault to this...it's genetic they say. her life before, caged, leashed, kenneled, bred beyond all reality may have made shorter....i am angry that i have such little time....i am angry that they can't tell me( but do tell me) it's merely months or could be years. it's not so long ago i did this, went through this....the waiting, the anticipating, the trying to make it all worth it to them....it's so hard.
but she was older....and had such a good life... for so long. Eem-er's only been here a few years.
i want Eem-er to be around long enough to know that there people who care... who dream of a life fulfilled...i want her to know the absolute loving calmness of a dog that knows all is well.
and no matter if it is two months or two years? i want her to be content in the moment. although I doubt i will find myself so.
times are hard right now...
but these little sinkholes to my heart?
as tough as i wanna be?
these things just hurt.

i am tired....

seriously tired....in every sense of the word. i know you haven't heard from me much lately and there are reasons for that...multiple reasons that i am still wrapping my head around....too much at once. i love a good routine( not poutine, just routine) and routine really seems to be avoiding me lately. Lots and lots of work lately. Not that I mind...I love it here. Best job i ever had, with the best people.

Spring/summer seems to have set in without any rain....not much in the way of wildflowers or exciting discoveries during dogwalks...

except root fungus.....which is still lovely.

The tiny daisies are out.

Tiger lilies? I think.

A few of my beloved mosses are blooming despite the lack of rain....imagine all that snow we had this winter only to discover we are already in drought conditions? Somehow that doesn't seem like a rainforest environment, right?

And the tiniest of wildflowers that seem so beautifully GIANT in the face of the onlaught of Crack Hookers and Crack Dealers in the neighbourhood, of late. Again, I have to wonder, WHO is it that designates this area as the drug capitol of Nanaimo? Apparently, the Crack Hookers say that the Nanaimo RCMP bring them back here and drop them off if they are turned in elsewhere. Of course, the RCMP deny this BUT "experiments" have been conducted with the same findings, and interviews with the girls have repeatedly stated the same thing....not officially, of course.

It's been a gong show out here lately...hookers when i go to sleep, hookers when i wake up. They now call me "Psycho" cuz i am out there chasing them, their johns down the street....nice, eh? But nobody seems to do anything about it....except me and Michael...who had a drug dealer threaten to put a bullet in his head recently....super. We are sick....sick of nobody doing anything... sick of a system that can't help people who want help....sick of viha that houses drug dealers instead of those looking for a way off the street. on our tax dollars...

we're tired of finding peace only when we choose to remove ourselves from our home.

we're tired of fighting about what is is we do about being tired.

we're tired of wasting our energies on things this city grinds under the soles of their shoes when we should be putting energy into making a better life for a dog with a time-bomb for a heart...

tired of trying to be a voice in beautiful neighbourhood teetering on the edge of greatness or the edge of destruction ..... we have other issues. we have personal health issues, job issues, life issues....we should be able to devote our "after hours" time to ourselves....

but we find ourselves forever driven to make things better here.

i'd like to concentrate on us now...k?

six one way, half dozen the next

Despite the meds that seem to be working fairly well on my anxiety and depression, some days it just doesn't seem worth fucking waking up. Remember these girls, they will come up later. I do not consider myself a pessimist....not that I really consider myself an optomist, either. Nor, given my history, even a realist. I don't know what you might call me. I hope for the best, expect the worst. It's a curse. It is. One that I don't wish on anyone. When I wake up and go out first thing in the morning, I don't want to see this down the block...I want to see the flag iris in my front yard....sadly, usually, most years, someone steals them during the night. Not those hookers(please, anyone?), my flag irises.

I am tired of the sight of so much that can deconstruct our neighbourhood.....all these folks are waiting for a delivery at the crack house running for two solid years across the street.

I am tired of landlords/slumlords that don't give a flying fuck about the neighbourhood, whether they live in it or not.

Marco...yes, you.

We aren't the only folks investing in this neighbourhood. Trying to bring about a bit of beauty and pride. But, for all that, there are plenty of people who stay inside, who can't be bothered, who bitch and whine without even trying to make a difference.

That makes me tired, too. I am tired of fighting for neighbours who don't seem to give a damn...

it's not that much effort to go outside and try. Just fucking try. Once in a fricking while.

Seriously.

And for those people who are thinking they are coming down here to help the "poor homeless people?" Get in touch with local organizations, please. Hopefully ones not funded by VIHA. Take your donations to the Samaritan House...clothes, home appliances, tvs, video game stations, dvd players, whatever. Samaritan House is trying to make homes for women making a concerted effort to get off the street(apparently except for Amanda). Food donations? 7-10 Club. Or any local food bank. Even food banks in the North End are hurting.....

Please don't come hand out your second hand shoes to hookers in front of my house. Or blankets, or condoms or needles, or toothpaste.....there are about half a dozen agencies within a few blocks for that. Take them there. Please.

Your donations on the street don't make much any difference to them....but makes multiple hookers hang across the street from me, and my neighbours...and brings all the sexually deviant johns into my neighbourhood...where they acost me(or neighbours) as I try to walk up my own street. And then, the next day? I end up picking up all the things you gave them off the street. Thanks, ever so. If you really want to help? Help us find them a safe place to work that isn't in a residential neighbourhood. Go to Council. Make your plea. What you are doing here doesn't help. Try something new. Get down here and see what it's really like.

I wish that I could look at only these parts of life... the tiniest details of beauty.

Remote, intricate....serene. This is how I have always hoped my life to be...

but it seems, these moments are reserved for time away from my own home. How frickin' sad is that?

k, done bitchin'

for the moment

somewhere between black and white is grey...in all it's hues and nuances.
that seems to be where you'll find me lately....
although i don't seem to have words to write much, i seem to be finding my out loud voice again.
and that seems alright, doesn't it?

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