Monday, May 31, 2010

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i have spent nights with matches and knives
leaning over ledges only two flights up
cutting my heart, burning my soul
nothing left to hold
nothing left but blood and fire
you have spent nights thinking of me
missing my arms but you needed to leave
leaving my cuts, leaving my burns
hoping i`d learn
but blood and fire
are too much for these restless arms to hold
and my nights of desire they`re calling me
back to your fold
and i am calling you, calling you
from 10,000 miles away
won`t you whet my fire with your love
i am looking for someone who can take as much as i give
and give back as much as i need
you know and they still have the will to live ah no
cause i am intense, i am in need
i am in pain, i am in love
and i feel forsaken you know
like the things i gave away
and blood and fire
are too much for these restless arms to hold
and my nights of desire they`re calling me
back to your fold
and i am calling you, calling you
from 10,000 miles away
won`t you whet my fire with your love
babe, babe, babe
i am intense, i am in need, i am in pain, i am in love
you know i am intense, i am in need, i am in pain, i am in love
i am intense, i am in need, i am in pain, i am in love
and blood and fire
are too much for these restless arms to hold
and my nights of desire they`re calling me
back to your fold
and i am calling you, calling you
from 10,000 miles away
won`t you whet my fire with your love
won`t you whet my fire with your love
babe now
whet my fire with your love

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

what saves me most of all is the music....

it's finding that somebody has the words to say the things i cannot...

it gives me hope when others find the words i want....

and the message i'd like to send along, and believe in...

Monday, May 24, 2010

i pray, too

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out onto Grey St.
And she thinks...hey
How did I come to this
I dreamed myself thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together
To grey, and it breaks her heart

Oh how she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears He doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her He might
She says I pray
But my prayers, they falls on deaf ears
Am I supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place
There's a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now,
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together
It's grey, and it breaks her heart

There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them real as anything
It will take the work out of the courage
She says please
There's a crazy man creeping that's outside my door
I live on the corner of Grey Street
And the end of the world

Oh there's an emptiness insider her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together
To grey
And it breaks her heart...Oh and it breaks her heart
To grey, Yeah...

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I'm sorry, did i mention i was going to see Martin?

No stalking incidence this time...only because Michael said we should stay on the bus one more stop so we wouldn't have to walk so soon as the bus pulled out of the Burrard Street stop on route to the Howe Street stop?!? There was Martin(seriously, no lie!!!!), walking down Robson Street with a coffee in his hand, talking to someone next to him. If we'd gotten out at Burrard? We would've walked right into him and the fact that i had carried his newest cd and a sharpie easily accessible wouldn't have seemed so sad. Damn, damn, damn.

And the whole Commodore experience???? the sound was excellent, no complaints there....the fact that we "reserved a table for $30 in exchange for the idea that we'd spend that on drinks and dinner?" idea...false advertising. fuck the commodore. we paid $30 for the table and were still expected to pay for drinks and dinner? no frickin' way. we made our way to the closest front line of Martin we could, abandoning our table.

and Martin? of course, he was Martin. Unbelievable live. You just don't know until you experience it...experience him. he makes you feel differently about folk, about gospel, about the music IS the experience, not the "show"....not the media, not the notariety, not the whatever...actually? You forget all about the word "whatever." He reminds us what the movement of music is supposed to media, no weird hysteria(except mine?!?)

it was such a moment to look forward to...and i loved it...i did...but? i "recognize" Martin's crowd is used to seeing him in these publike settings...but seeing him at the Vogue Theatre before? i prefer the theatre setting...the sitting down, the respect, the sound of his voice over everyting....not the girls talking loudly next to me about their fricking nails? or the really tall guy in front of me not wanting to stand too close to his male friend as the night went on and kept stepping back into my space, even though i had my hand against his back...
i love that i was so close...i do...don't get me wrong....but?
i am not into the bar scene...if i pay to hear music??? that's what i want...i don't want to hear a hundred drunk patrons singing along....i don't want to wrestle my place to see someone who speaks to me from someone speaking on the celphone to somebody about anything except where they are and that they should just hang the fuck up!!!! also???? maybe it's just me...but i really wish there had been more music from his new Shane, like Sugarcoating....i mean, i do so LOVE everything, but wasn't this the forum for his new music?!? I LOVE the new album...and paid to have it shipped early to me to know the new songs....and i missed hearing how they could be portrayed differently live....this is Martin's greatest gift, his live will change you. and i kind of missed hearing how he might sound live on his most "studio sounding" album...

But? Martin???? you were simply beautific. thank you. as always, and forever....thank you. come back soon. i will so lovingly stalk you again. not scary stalk...but lovingly stalk.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


tonight, i worship in the church of Martin.
Commodore Ballroom, Vancouver.

it's a very good day.

meet me there?

Monday, May 10, 2010

did i say zen or did i say rat's ass?

I'm not sure what i said. i am not sure what has been going on continually for quite some time now. the paxil? made me feel lots, dream lots(lots of nightmares), revisit lots(things that give me nightmares), drink lots. i don't really know why all those things went hand in hand...except that the things that happened then, and in dreams, i never really want to address.

the comedown from paxil was hellaciaous...worse than the comedown from the illicit things i used to do way back when...of course, when i quit all that, i moved to colorado and lived a that kinda helped.

the welbutrin? it's been good. not making me any crazier...but? i'm not sure that it helps me anymore than being able to fake my way thru things easier...know what i mean? it makes me not the daytime hours. at night? don't ask. just be glad, as am i, that i am within a three minute walk to the hospital now.

the thing is...some days are really, really bad. i think this week is the first week i have ever realized that some days are so bad...this bad...i think the relative calm of most of my days on welbutrin have made me recognize the storm that comes in from nowhere...and that storm?!? it's like that night on South Padre when the streets flooded in minutes, the lights went out everywhere, the wind ripped my door from the hinges....the docks down half a block were gone, the boats overturned in their moorings...tornadoes touched down unnannounced, windows shattered, the woppler radar broke down and all communications were was just me in the dark...with my dog...who really needed to go out for a pee.
and then it was gone. like that.
and the next day was sunny.
my doctor said that kind of mood swing isn't normal...he actually had a name for it...but i didn't ask him to write it down. but, i have two or three of those storms every month...i clench my teeth, my knuckles turn white....but i go to work and smile, maybe i cry in the bathroom for a bit, and i come home, make dinner, chit chat...take a long shower full of hot water and tears. he, my doc, also says there are drugs for that. on top of the wellbutrin, which has normalized my day to day life in this "major depressive episode," so another decision....another daily med?!? or suck up? i don't know. i'm 42. been sucking up a long, long time.
so....there's this question i'd like to ask...
how do i know just when my crazy has become too crazy, even for me?
do you know?

Thursday, May 06, 2010

what i wonder is this....

when you get to a point where you just don't give one royal rat's ass anymore about anything going on around you? is that a good thing or a bad thing? i mean like a zen thing thing or a living in a seperate reality thing?
like this...should i be worried or proud about the state i'm in?

Monday, May 03, 2010

7.6 acres for sale

anyone want to buy in with me so my friend can stay?
my heart is breaking...i anticipate not only losing his sweet breath, but losing 7.6 beautiful river walk acres to land developers...developers who will not want the"dog walkers welcome" sign to remain...not that there will be anything worthy to walk to once it's all developed.
i hope and pray that i am completely wrong.