what does it mean????

that's what i'm trying to find out.....but it feels like the closer i get to my truth...ya know, via(my trapped in let's look everywhere else but at reality mind) mind altering drugs and therapy, the harder and harder it is to hold my tongue. you know, i have absolutely ranted here....about things and people that mean little or nothing. for the rest, i have always adhered to "can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." you know, no matter what they say about me. but i am a grown up. i should absolutely be able to speak my mind without feeling cowardice, or maliciousness, or guilt. i mean, games are games, and ridiculousness is ridiculousness when other people have to live with it, too. i mean, not just me. apparently, i can put up with more than most...
seems a little late to be learning such things. but damn........i really think i am going to hate things when the things i've always wanted to say start really flowing.......

i didn't think this would be my day today

my friend called to say her cat was sick. i knew it was more. he'd been sick the last week or so. tragically sick. vet visits, hope, no hope, try this try that...
i knocked on her door. she let me in....and i knew. i knew she needed help with a decision. this cat, this wonderful orange-coloured tomcat soul had been my neighbour long before i knew my friend. the previous owners of the house were my neighbours, and i've written about this cat before. they sold and moved and a most delightful couple moved in two doors down. one year later, the cat came back. he loved his home so much.
he arrived the day after my friend and neighbour lost a precious soul. he arrived, walked in the door, and provided a comfort few people could.
now? with a new precious soul in the works, and blooming, i guess he found his calling over with. it's as if his work was done. he came home, made his peace and blessing known....and when all things seemed on the right track, he decided to leave.
but it was a magical story...
and we loved him.
we love him.
we love his orange-coloured tomcat soul.
i drove them to the vet.
i sat with them.
i waited for his last breath....reliving the ache it will cause.
we drove him home.
dug a hole. found a porcelain doorknob in the hole. seemed fitting considering the first thing my friend had read this morning was that thing about when god closes a door......
wrapped in love, in history, in legend, and a pink towel, this little-giant orange coloured soul was covered in dirt in the yard of the home he loved so much. so much real comfort from such a tiny thing. who could ever guess what messages a little furry thing might bring?
that something so small could hold so much.
miracles happen, in both happy and sad ways.
he purred.through it all.
it breaks my heart.

yes

still here...trying to restructure...
trying to gather thoughts...
trying to decide how honest to be...
as honesty, lately, has not actually proven to be the best policy.
i'd like to come back.
i just need to........i don't know what i need to do.........
except that i am sure i need to be back here.
just that timing....timing....honesty....honesty....worry worry.

well, okay then...