six one way, half dozen the next

Despite the meds that seem to be working fairly well on my anxiety and depression, some days it just doesn't seem worth fucking waking up. Remember these girls, they will come up later. I do not consider myself a pessimist....not that I really consider myself an optomist, either. Nor, given my history, even a realist. I don't know what you might call me. I hope for the best, expect the worst. It's a curse. It is. One that I don't wish on anyone. When I wake up and go out first thing in the morning, I don't want to see this down the block...I want to see the flag iris in my front yard....sadly, usually, most years, someone steals them during the night. Not those hookers(please, anyone?), my flag irises.

I am tired of the sight of so much that can deconstruct our neighbourhood.....all these folks are waiting for a delivery at the crack house running for two solid years across the street.

I am tired of landlords/slumlords that don't give a flying fuck about the neighbourhood, whether they live in it or not.

Marco...yes, you.

We aren't the only folks investing in this neighbourhood. Trying to bring about a bit of beauty and pride. But, for all that, there are plenty of people who stay inside, who can't be bothered, who bitch and whine without even trying to make a difference.

That makes me tired, too. I am tired of fighting for neighbours who don't seem to give a damn...

it's not that much effort to go outside and try. Just fucking try. Once in a fricking while.

Seriously.

And for those people who are thinking they are coming down here to help the "poor homeless people?" Get in touch with local organizations, please. Hopefully ones not funded by VIHA. Take your donations to the Samaritan House...clothes, home appliances, tvs, video game stations, dvd players, whatever. Samaritan House is trying to make homes for women making a concerted effort to get off the street(apparently except for Amanda). Food donations? 7-10 Club. Or any local food bank. Even food banks in the North End are hurting.....

Please don't come hand out your second hand shoes to hookers in front of my house. Or blankets, or condoms or needles, or toothpaste.....there are about half a dozen agencies within a few blocks for that. Take them there. Please.

Your donations on the street don't make much any difference to them....but makes multiple hookers hang across the street from me, and my neighbours...and brings all the sexually deviant johns into my neighbourhood...where they acost me(or neighbours) as I try to walk up my own street. And then, the next day? I end up picking up all the things you gave them off the street. Thanks, ever so. If you really want to help? Help us find them a safe place to work that isn't in a residential neighbourhood. Go to Council. Make your plea. What you are doing here doesn't help. Try something new. Get down here and see what it's really like.

I wish that I could look at only these parts of life... the tiniest details of beauty.

Remote, intricate....serene. This is how I have always hoped my life to be...

but it seems, these moments are reserved for time away from my own home. How frickin' sad is that?

k, done bitchin'

for the moment

somewhere between black and white is grey...in all it's hues and nuances.
that seems to be where you'll find me lately....
although i don't seem to have words to write much, i seem to be finding my out loud voice again.
and that seems alright, doesn't it?

http://www.bookclubs.ca/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780385663618

it is spring

flowers are blooming and things are getting green.....eem-er and i went out with a new friend to one of our favourite walking spots....

no eggs yet....

eem-er has a new boyfriend....but, we don't know how long it will last.

Meet Marley. He's in foster care with one of my friends. He was dumped at a vet clinic on Christmas Eve...whoever dropped him off, did so only at the insistence of people around him. He said Marley had been hit by a snow plow....DAYS earlier. No money, no name, whatever. The vets took pity and decided to make him healthy. It took MONTHS. Turns out? Not snow plow wounds. Dog bites. But Marley has no aggressive tendancies towards dogs or people. In all likelihood? This gorgeous, loving, laid-back dog was a Bait dog. He has scars that will never disappear...he is a brindled pit bull...he looks "scary" to some folks. These are all marks against adoption. He doesn't hold that against anyone...human or canine.

He is a beautiful soul....loving, trusting, a leaner(god, i love a leaner). He is mellow and low key but has a real joy for life....he reads other dogs well and knows how to "go along to get along." Even Eem-er found out she wants to try and play with him...who knew? Who knew?

He's not good with cats....that is the only negative thing...I would take him in a heartbeat and I would NEVER think of having two dogs...but I would LOVELOVELOVE to have this dog...if not for Fishbone. So, if you, or anyone you know, is looking for the ultimate family pet, a lover not a fighter, a companion, someone to be your friend? May I introduce Marley?

beginning to wonder how the Council, the RCMP, ByLaws, Mayor all live with themselves....how can one have to have a busker license to play music or make balloon animals on the streets of Nanaimo for TWO HOURS A DAY ONLY, when every fucking crack whore, drug dealer, etc deal on the street in front of my house all day, every day? Just the slightest bit ridiculous, isn't it?

There were(no lie) 12 crackhead dealers around these three blocks tonight waiting for a shipment to come in...it is SO FUCKING obvious. So...we call....the RCMP....does anything worth anything happen? AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

nope.

where have i been?

here...popping in and reading along with you all but commenting little(or none at all)...i don't know why. i don't have any words lately. so, for those of you have sent email, thank you. i am still here and up and about...doing fairly well on day to day life right now, actually. seems the last med increase has triggered a desired response, at last...but i am not sure if i have nothing to say right now, or just too much to tackle. know what i mean?
the hood is getting busy again, in a bad way, and a lot of my attention is directed there...working, dealing with this long cold(over at last) and eemer's heart murmer issue has resurfaced, friends in town, michael's birthday, etc....so, it's been hectic and busy, but that's not all of it. we've all been here, tho...some of us more than once. it's more a reflective time for me than a time of laying it all out there. ya know?
k...so much love.
peace out.
i'll be around.

Just a thing i have wondered about a lot in the past four years....

and would like to know the answer to....but without asking anyone actually involved...
why do Crack Hookers, for all intents and purposes, with just about any communicable and terminal disease nameable, with no regard for a residential neighbourhood full of families, bother to hit the button at a crosswalk, even when there is no traffic?

More Crackheads for Jeet Manhas

Another crackhouse that wants you to vote for Jeet. What gives, Jeet? Why do they like YOU so much? This one is at Milton and Victoria and has been an operating crackshack for quite a while now(the condo in the bottom left hand side). Yesterday afternoon/last night we watched quite a few dealers, crack hookers, and crackheads come and go from there. But maybe they are just there registering to vote?

crackheads for Jeet Manhas!

Paul Saroya, owner, and all the residents of one of his busiest crackshacks, located here on Hecate Street in south Nanaimo, urge you to get out and vote May 12, for Jeet Manhas.
I couldn't imagine any better spokespeople than that, can you?

mexican mystery plague

holy smokes, folks...the timing of my current cold hitting at the same time this freaky mexican flu made me nervous...not nervous enough to seek medical attention... but nervous, all the same...
lordy, this cold kicked my ass. hard.
so tired.
SOME of my mexico vacation photos are up on my flickr site. you can follow the link in the side bar. i will try to add more.
as for writing up the vacay? i am afraid that will have to wait until such time as i feel human again...don't hold your breath...or, do hold your breath cuz you don't want to catch this...
alrighty then...
i am off for another wicked round of sleep....sweet, sweet sleep

a thousand kisses deep

Where do I start? No opening act. Just Leonard and possibly one of the tightest bands ever...for three and a half hours(minus one short intermission). We were wrung out at the end of the show. I can't imagine how he felt, though he looked dapper and upbeat as he skipped across the stage for his FINAL curtain call(there were four, in all).
The moment he appeared on stage, we were his. The funny thing about it, he was ours, as well. He was gracious and charming and wickedly disarming. He is a master of the show, a slave of the words. He read us like a book and played to us. He was eager that we know and acknowledge his band, his co-conspirators. I like that in a person.
It was GM Place. It felt like(and sounded like) some small venue at the back of an old bar, intimate, friendly...reverant. We leaned in towards the stage collectively. We heard every word. We listened. There were very few people daring to break the silence of the audience while Mr. Cohen spoke or sang. We ate up every word.
His age apparent, he looks healthy, vital, wise and mischevious, and I believe his sound is better now than ever. The poignancy of his music made that much more holy by the years on his face. His stories, so full of the sweet sadness, the bitter ironies...the breadth of love and longing in the face of failure...Beautiful Losers, never cease to move me and now, maybe, ever so much more.
It was like walking wide awake into my dreams. For real.
I could tell you about all his songs and his spoken words....it would take me all night. Basically, he sang everything you would want to hear him sing...pick your own personal favourite Leonard Cohen song, he probably sang it. He sang ALL of my favourite Leonard Cohen songs...and I found some new favourites. Someone asked me the highlight moment of the show for me. I have to say, I didn't have one. The whole thing, beginning to end, was magic...was transcendent...was a particular kind of joy, elation, shortness of breath, fierceness of heart that is usually reserved for the Grand Canyon, the colour blue of a Colorado sky, Monument Valley, aspen groves, Joshua Trees, Mesa Verde, the curve of the cheek of my friend's son...it was like the breath of the world.
Yeah, it really was that good.

the comedown may be hell.........

this month...
home from the Junos and meeting Heidi and Jethro, a week of work, and packing and repacking and then again....
off to mexico for eight glorious days...
home...back to work for a week
off to Vacouver to visit Emily, Adam and Gwen....
to see the Transcendental Event of Leonard Cohen live...Transendental Event...
i am home now...
trying to get to the grocery store but the car battery is dead....
so much to get done....
work tomorrow again.
will try to catch up this week
pictures of mexico
stories
Mr. Cohen....
wish me luck with the car....

Junos....

Did everyone read Heidi's account of the Junos???? Good...because she does write a wicked review, doesn't she? And I don't really need to add too much to her words....but I got some photos..... The show started with a big bang and fire. A little bit startling, actually .
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee......QUICK! Call the fire department.... Chad Kroeger is on fire!!! Very retro...Michael Jackson-y...hey, you know what? Never mind, don't call.

This guy was the host while the cameras were on...very wise-cracking, sometimes harsh...but usually dead-on, too. Heidi likes him.

But me? I always love the underdog. In this case, Trevor Boris. I adore him. As, apparently, do a lot of 14 year old girls. He, himself, adores Michael Buble. Apparently, he hasn't heard of Harry Connick, Jr. He was the entertainment/host during "commercial breaks." That's right. You heard me. The entire show shut down for commercial breaks. Weird.

Those folks sitting in front of Hedley in their Fantasy Island tuxes? They're my neighbours from up the road a bit. Yup. True. I was going to ask them for a ride home after. I mean they're parents now. Surely they're not partying up at the after Juno parties, are they?

Sigh. kd lang and Buffy Sainte Marie. Can't say enough, so why try?

Hedley and Nickelboob....dang, Nickelbob....er, Nickel-plated.....um....Nickelback? Little did I know how close I was sitting to them...I would have bought some nachos with EXTRA CHEESE to toss at them. Feist was robbed. Robbed, I tell ya! Do you think in 25 years, when Nickelback is inducted into the Canadian Rock Hall of Fame that they will look like....

this? Hard to imagine that this guy ever fit into those pants. Rock and Roll, baybee.

Trevor, Diana and some other dude taking photos during "commercial time."

Sam Roberts Band. I likey.

Sarah.... ethereal as ever.

So, Heidi told you all about City and Colour with Gord Downie of the The-Tragically-Hip, right? Scrumptious. If I was to stalk anyone at the Junos(you know, since Daniel Lanois wasn't there and Martin Sexton isn't Canadian), it would be this guy.

Hey, that dude made it onstage....with Kathleen Edwards. Maybe he's her uncle or something. He must have been nervous to be up there because he forgot the words.... isn't that cute?

And the finale.....ka-pow!!!!!!

Hawksley Workman and the Great Big Sea. Hell yeah!.

Whew. Had enough yet? I've just relived it all and I'm exhausted. Later.

I know people..........

Yup...it's all in who you know...those tickets are mine, er, were mine...er, were somebody else's....but then those people decided not to go and gave them to People That I Know...and then those people gave them to me and then they were mine.....MINE!!!! HOLY MOLY!!!!!!!!

That's me alright...at the Junos...Can you even believe??? I am so lucky that Daniel Lanois was not there(as is he), as I might have had to attach myself to him in some sort of devious way. You know how I can be around people that I adore sometimes. And I, too, have pictures of famous people...but am waiting for one of those People That I know to post all her Junos stories, backstage dramas, Ben Mulrooney(did I spell that right?) adventures, Jann Arden sightings, etc, first. It's only fair....I wouldn't have been there at all without those People That I Know and totally LOVE!!!!!!! LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you ever, ever, ever so to Heidi and Jethro for company, the cab ride, dress-up time, and tickets to the show of shows....you know, aside from those Nickleodean guys...wait, Shiny Nickel? Nickle-plated? Nicklewho?

don't be jealous....

but somehow... some way that I don't really understand...position of the planets....the world order...something bigger than you or I....Karma...Kismet...or just plain in NEED of it....

I am going here for a price I can afford....a great big steal, er, deal. Soon. With a very good friend. We're gonna have loads of fun...we're gonna be spoiled rotten....we're gonna be all-inclusive, with a little extra money to spend...we'll have a GREAT time and she won't get me into trouble...those are the best kind of friends to have, aren't they???? Hell, yeah!

My whole life? Vacations were time spent at home or couch surfing or camping...all of which I have thoroughly enjoyed. I have seen so much. Done so much. Been just about Everywhere.. but? After this past winter? A week of five star luxury and all-inclusive food and drinks??? The only extra expense? Manicure, pedicure and massage....and tips. Sounds about like heaven...on a budget. We lucked out on the timing of this trip, the price....the amenities. Feels a bit like we did something right.

Also? Going to Vancouver this weekend. Meeting friends.... staying with my soul sister...connecting with some of the people who ground me to this earth. Sweet.

Then? The weekend after that? Seeing Leonard Cohen, one of my heroes, with my soul sister again...and her sister, my friend...and her beau, my friend. So thankful for these extraordinary gifts at this time....

It means the world...it's life.

serendipity

i'd never seen his new teeshirt

and he'd never seen my new ink...

birds of a feather....................

signs of Spring

despite the chill in the air, the hookers wear skirts....in fashionable Spring colours.

sometimes

one simple moment captures your imagination...or your love....or you know, whatever.

Anti-Mullet.....

got a new doo today....business in the back and party in the front. It's retro 80's with a modern twist...i likey. Makes me feel less than 40....but? I don't know how to pull it back for work. Looks like the work for a thousand bobbie pins. I may have to set my alarm earlier.
Yes, I am still in my Martin Sexton sweatshirt.

teeter totter

Despite an increase in medication, there are still so many days that all I want to do is lie in bed, with Eem-er, wrapped in my Martin Sextin hoodie and Underdog pajamas, telling myself stories, following the plotlines that are my dreams...when I CAN sleep, that is. Mostly, that seems to be in the daytime. At night, I just wander around, flop on the couch, torment the cat....last night,er, this morning, whatever, I watched another snowfall and nearly had a complete and total meltdown. Will this winter never end?
We had a beautiful dinner party last night and I went to bed feeling satisfied and happy, after a day of high anxiety and sleep deprivation. My house was full and I fed people, drank some wine, laughed out loud....it was good. Really good. Sleep should be sound. Sometime around 1 am, I am awake...again...watching snow fall outside the window.
So these meds....Paxil, to be exact....sometimes, somedays, I feel really good. I think this is what it's really all about. I think that maybe everything is going to be fine....and then the next day, it is a struggle to get out of bed. The tears are so close...but I don't know the cause.
The idea, according to Dr. McQT, is that by using this drug, we remind my brain how to make "happy hormones," or whatever. My brain will get used to this. When I feel "normal," I get back off the drug. Sounds simple. Right? But, recently? I've had this thought....how do I know what "normal" is? I have found my moroseness normal for quite a long time...maybe forever, if I really think about it hard. Maybe I damaged all the feel-good receptors in my brain in my previous life. Maybe my previous life happened because I never felt good before...
I can see how I should be feeling now...I don't know if that is the Paxil or not...I feel like I could touch it every now and then...sometimes, it touches me and WOW. It's good. For a day or two.
I don't know. So, what's next? What is the journey? Why is it so much work to be happy? Or even just satisfied...content?
Anyhoo....the big push from Dr. McQT, from the beginning, has been counseling....gawd. I went for a while way back when. His name was Dr. Garfunkel. I don't think I told him a word of truth....all he wanted to do was prescribe things. Now, though, I'm already on something so? I've called the number twice. Hung up both times. I don't know how to do this part. .

finally....

the last little bit of our trip....

this is a grey whale skull that the folks who owned the place we stayed at pulled out of the bay, stinky thing that it was....then. amazing thing that it is now....

Here is Long Beach....Tofino. Isn't it beautiful? Come visit. Come surf. Come walk. Come covet. We won't mind. Honest.

Eem-er was free for days here....she was so absolutely, fantastically exhausted...and we enjoyed our our long evenings with a really over-the-top-tired dog. We don't get that often.

We don't get these long, wide open, sandy beach walks on our coast....it's not that far away, really.

Amazing, isn't it?

Dunes next to rainforests? From flat sand to dunes to tall trees?

Hard to imagine that the two coasts of the same island are so different....here, in Tofino, I recall Newport, Oregon, with the tall rocks and the flat beaches.. the winter storms, the summer traffic...it was so much like "coming home," often a feeling I don't experience all too often, not even when I am coming home. The sound of the surf rolling in and rolling in....it's like nothing else you have ever experienced....

It's like every comfortable thing you've ever experienced coming together in one thing....mashed potatoes or mac and cheese, your favourite pajamas, your best friend, your favourite toy, favourite song(s), the moments of utmost magic that have happened in your life....the best music, the most privately ecstatic moments....your oldest, softest sweater...your treasured stuffed animal....

and the all the longing of your life....all that you've ever wanted...or desired...or needed...or hoped for.

That is the magic here.

This, the beach, the wide open, where water meets sky, is often a dream of mine...even when I live here... The divine. The face of god....but then again...so is is the high desert...the colour blue of a Colorado sky....the hurricane force of the winds of a south Texas Island Storm.

There is magic everywhere.

We just need to remember to look.

We need to remember to see.

No matter how hard it is to remember sometimes....and believe me, I know...we need to remember just where and what and who we are here...there is magic, there is every chance to catch your breath...and to remember....

and? just in case you have an extra ten minutes to spare...I add this...
, cuz he's there, too. In all that magic... did I happen to mention that I am going to see Leonard Cohen? Gotta love the music...the mastery...of nature, of poetry, of songwriters, of the epic, the lore, the love, the legend, the spectacle, the belief that our words can change the world....at least your world and my world.

I was waiting for the miracle

So my plans for a Mexican holiday fell through...but that left me with more than enough money for this...hell, yeah! I am going to see Leonard Fucking Cohen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

Hallelujah