Despite an increase in medication, there are still so many days that all I want to do is lie in bed, with Eem-er, wrapped in my Martin Sextin hoodie and Underdog pajamas, telling myself stories, following the plotlines that are my dreams...when I CAN sleep, that is. Mostly, that seems to be in the daytime. At night, I just wander around, flop on the couch, torment the cat....last night,er, this morning, whatever, I watched another snowfall and nearly had a complete and total meltdown. Will this winter never end?We had a beautiful dinner party last night and I went to bed feeling satisfied and happy, after a day of high anxiety and sleep deprivation. My house was full and I fed people, drank some wine, laughed out loud....it was good. Really good. Sleep should be sound. Sometime around 1 am, I am awake...again...watching snow fall outside the window.
So these meds....Paxil, to be exact....sometimes, somedays, I feel really good. I think this is what it's really all about. I think that maybe everything is going to be fine....and then the next day, it is a struggle to get out of bed. The tears are so close...but I don't know the cause.
The idea, according to Dr. McQT, is that by using this drug, we remind my brain how to make "happy hormones," or whatever. My brain will get used to this. When I feel "normal," I get back off the drug. Sounds simple. Right? But, recently? I've had this thought....how do I know what "normal" is? I have found my moroseness normal for quite a long time...maybe forever, if I really think about it hard. Maybe I damaged all the feel-good receptors in my brain in my previous life. Maybe my previous life happened because I never felt good before...
I can see how I should be feeling now...I don't know if that is the Paxil or not...I feel like I could touch it every now and then...sometimes, it touches me and WOW. It's good. For a day or two.
I don't know. So, what's next? What is the journey? Why is it so much work to be happy? Or even just satisfied...content?
Anyhoo....the big push from Dr. McQT, from the beginning, has been counseling....gawd. I went for a while way back when. His name was Dr. Garfunkel. I don't think I told him a word of truth....all he wanted to do was prescribe things. Now, though, I'm already on something so? I've called the number twice. Hung up both times. I don't know how to do this part. .
11 comments:
I have often wondered about this 'normal.' What is it? How do you find it? Will you know if you do achieve it?
Counselling can be soo good, but I also know how scary it is to make that first phone call. So sary in fact, that I haven't been able to make that first call either...I think, think think about it. Sometimes, I even dial a number...I never, ever, wait for an answer though.
I am glad that you had a great night with friends, with lots of laughter. One night of laughter is also a first step though, right?
The sun is going to come out - literaly, and that will help! I'm free for martinis and med talk anytime you like...
I'm hopeful about spring as well. Although, the snow does lift my mood a bit. Maybe being from the prairies, I guess. A couple days of dark rain sends me reeling. Been in a constant state of panic since sometime before Christmas and my stomach is horrible because of it. No more than a couple hours sleep at best.
Biddie is on to something here. It seems whenever I have a great time with lots of laughs - I do feel better, even if it's just for a while.
You, me and Rain should get together! It's about time!!!
Let's do it...I do love a martini...although, is there anyplace left in this town to get a decent one?
I don't have any advice, but I love you.
Hang in there.
i'm hanging! i'm hanging!
love you, too. thanks
Vodka is good for sleeping.
Works for me.....
Do you think there may be a better med out there for you? This recent study is promising. http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2009/01/29/antidepressants.html?ref=rss
Oh how I ache for you. I'm there most nights, too; unable to sleep, ordering my shoulders to relax only to discover that my jaw is clamped tight. I've always hated the idea of taking meds to feel normal; and I'm not sure I even know what it is to be happy. I think I've always believed happiness is when you are so absorbed by what you're doing that you forget yourself entirely. Now I'm not sure. Maybe happiness is something your supposed to be conscious of. I hope one of these days, you will make that call and you will find someone who can help. Abi and I send our love.
k, k, k....
lordy, didn't mean to sound so down...all i want is to lie in bed...that is not what i do. i am more aware than that. i am fighting this every fricking step of the way...walk/ run every day...dress, eat well, get up, get out....i didn't mean to come across so sad...I laugh lots. I search out friends, things to do, etc....i embrace.... this has just been a long winter on top of the last winter on top of personal bs and all that...and the loss of my friend...i am alright... seriouly. I love you guys. I do. Rereading the post, I get where you are all coming from...thank you thank you thank you. It's easier telling you all these things than someone else?!? Does that make sense?
It's all good. I am moving forward. I am. I think so, anyway.
Though? I am still open to a martini night!!!
Whatever did we do without our electronic connections? Oh yeah, I remember, we met in the park, or parking lot, or we didn't meet at all -- we just fell apart. It has been such a comfort to me to know others struggle with depression, loss, doubts. I don't see it as complaining. I see it as reaching out, asking for help, giving support. All the stuff we're supposed to do. And now, geography is no longer a barrier. Knowing you are struggling helps me with my own struggles. Don't apologize and don't stop trying. Everything one of us accomplishes makes all of us stronger. (I think I made that up -- not bad, huh?) Worth a martini maybe? -- Gin, though -- forget the vodka.
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