How does one find oneself so tired at the end of a day Nothing?
How does one raise a fist against something so Un-Nameable?
Weary, Exhausted and yet Sleepless,
I count the hours til dawn…the battery powered clock keeps time, tick tick, with my heart,
Until the slightest light in a milk-white winter sky brings me to sleep,
Brings the comfort of a pink sunrise, however pale…
At least it is Something
At least it is Comfort.
At least I think I believe I can hear you say my name in the pinkishness
And Tell me Everything is Fine.
everything is just Fine now…
And tomorrow, I am gonna laugh out loud, I swear. I promise.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
I can hear your laughter echoing mine…
And Everything is going to be Fine now….
because I Can still hear you.

a walk in the fog...

Though here in town, much of the snow is gone, out in the prime dog-walking spots, it's still here. Hard, crusty and difficult to walk in....and did I mention how much fog we've had??? Day after day of it. So strange.The days are passing in a detached manner...or rather, I am passing through my days in a detached manner...except when those moments of sadness or panic find their way through. I am looking for signs of Spring already. Not finding many, but still looking.

Got up this morning to watch an historic inauguration, have some champagne chilling for when Michael gets home..I even see some sun out there today. All in all, doesn't seem like the day to be holding on to sadness...

I am still not sure about finding words right now.

So I hope a quiet walk with Eem-er and me is fine with you all today.

So, that's about it for now.

I'll be around again soon.

and still...

still there are no words that i wish to share
other than "love..."
there is never enough time to get everything right.
there is never enough opportunity to say all that you need to say...
but love...remember to love.

I don't know where I am right now...

other than here, and now, muddling through.
Best wishes and love to you all.

we are breakable...

we are fragile
we are part and parcel of this world
and sometimes,
sometimes nothing,
nothing makes any sense....

tomorrow, maybe
i will have wings again...
tattered, broken, fragile wings,
but wings, all the same
and i remember flight
i remember you


for Dylan, who left us far too early.
dearest, we miss you.

Where to begin and what to say....

My friend died suddenly just before Christmas. I am still a little unaccepting of the news. It can't possibly be real. After my flight home to Vancouver Island yesterday was cancelled, I spent the night in the SeaTac Holiday Inn Express fully committed to the idea that I was, eventually, going to wake up from this dream. It must be a dream...because it is surreal to think I spent part of Christmas day sewing a button on the pants I was planning to wear to a memorial service...and surely, I couldn't possibly be spending New Year's Eve in the SeaTac Holiday Inn Express watching Animal Planet after a cancelled flight and wondering if I was having this dream over and over and over again. And I really, truly couldn't have spent the past few days among my loved ones grieving over his death, feeling useless and ineffectual in the face of their grief. This cannot possibly be real. Please wake me up.
At the Memorial, there was paper and pens out to write memories on to share with his daughters, that they may find pieces of him that they wouldn't know otherwise...memories of this man, this friend of mine, a father, a son, a brother, uncle, cousin, nephew, teacher, troublemaker, storyteller, game player...I found myself wordless in the face of those pages. I found myself wordless when the stories were told round the circle of faces of people there to share...I could find only tears, only wishes to be far, far away or wishes to take everyones' pain onto myself...I could only hold on to my friends, and my grief, and weep.
But that's not fair to Pickle. I can call you that now and you can't get mad! Pickle Pickle Pickle. Gotcha. I love you.
So, I will write out some stories for his daughters soon, but this post...this is for me and the entire family....
My memories of Pickle are so intertwined with his family(brother and mother) that I cannot separate them yet...in younger years, his family home was a safe haven in the chaos that could sweep over mine. Later, this family has saved me from myself a time or two, housed me in difficult times, made me remember my own tenderness, signed leases with me, held me while I cried, celebrated happy things. I have called in the wee hours, distraught, to have have someone sit on the phone with me(thanks, Pickle) forever until the sobs and hiccups subsided and I could fall asleep. I have eaten at their tables. They have eaten at mine. Their homes have sheltered me in good times and in bad times. I have been at the bottom of the dogpile of their accumulated children watching Disney videos. I have never played board games with anyone other than them (and Michael). The women these brothers have brought to my life are triumphant and beautiful and I love them as if I have always known and loved them.
I don't know where I would have been in this life without them...they have direct bearing on who I am, what I am, where I am and how I relate to this world. So, despite the fact that Pickle could be infuriating, stubborn, hard-headed, lost in his own world....despite the fact that he could really piss me off sometimes(I can say that, right? I still love him!)....I am at a loss because just knowing he was out there in this world with me, breathing the same air, meant something. Meant a lot, in fact. More than I might ever be able to say.


Forgive me if you are not living
If you beloved, my love,
If you have died
All the leaves will fall on my breast
It will rain in my soul all night,
All day
My feet will want to march
To where you are sleeping
But I shall go on living.

Pablo Neruda

Dearest friend.
I will miss you tremendously.
Safe journeys.
We'll see each other again one day.
I love you.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Michael and I took Eem-er up to Harewood Mines for a walk yesterday. Holy Frostbite, Batman. Seriously. There were no other tracks through the snow up there yet. We thought we would be blazing the first trail. Sweet!

We hiked less than a third of our normal walk...which, really, is none too strenuous to begin with. The snow was deep and cold. Beneath it, ice and mushy puddles.

My feet would feel so heavy and when I would down, there would be a huge ball of ice stuck to my shoelaces. My jeans were soaked to my knees. Eem-er started the walk in her red, sheepskin-lined coat(don't laugh, that little dog just can't take this weather), but not far into the walk, it was doing nothing but holding a layer of snow and ice next to her skin. Once the coat came off, she was ready to roll....

for about five minutes. This poor little girl just can't take it....

Look at how miserable she is...she just STOPPED walking. When I went to see if she was alright, she literally climbed up me to get out of the snow. That's a pretty desperate thing for her, since she really HATES being carried. There was ice between her poor toes and she just shook and shook. What else could I do? I carried her...until I fell, plunging her, myself and the camera into the snow. Nice.

So, Michael dried the camera(whew) and I tried to warm my aching hands(didn't have gloves on), Eem-er decided to try walking on her own...for about 45 seconds. Then she stopped walking again, waited for me to come to her and crawled into my arms again, even with the knowledge that I had just dumped her in the snow a minute earlier.

By the time we reached the car, I couldn't use my fingers anymore...so cold they felt like they were burning.

We all hunkered around the pellet stove when we got home...we must get a bigger pillow with room for everyone.

still snowing....

The snow stopped, cleared, then started again....and now it's cold enough to stay around a few days...until there is another snowfall predicted. Sigh.

I know, I know....some folks love it. Me? Not so much.

So I am hunkered in, watching the Polar Express and thinking that I really need to figure out a present for Michael in the next two days since work will be crazy after that...and avoiding my Christmas cards for one more night. It is the Polar Express, after all...it's just that good.

it's officially winter now....

West coast winter's first snow....

it's mush already, and sloppy, and soon it's going to freeze into a sheet of ice...and fools out there can't drive in it or on it, but think they can...our house is on the ambulance/fire/police route and the sirens just keep going so we know how well they're driving....

by the way...have you ordered your local free-range Christmas turkey yet??? Don't wait too long...

Heidi, HELP

Miss Hick Chic...please have Jethro watch this and tell me what Martin, er, Mr. Sexton is using at 3 minutes and 24 seconds for that sound. All I can find in google is Moog Synthesizer. He used this at the concert I saw. It was the most amazing thing ever.
I want to be able to do this at home...all the time.

Wouldn't that be the best?

Rainy Days and Sundays...

Man, the lighting during a west coast winter doesn't really work for outdoor photos...with the flash on at noon, all my pictures look like I am out with the camera at midnight. That's how it is here, though. The long Grey...today looks pretty good for some sun a little later, though after the rain, it'll be a soggy doggy walk.

The hooker traffic and drug traffic seem to be picking up again on our street. Somebody somewhere must be making a push to clean up their street. I don't know why they always come back here...and there's rats living in and under the garage next door. I am so very NOT THRILLED by that. Doesn't seem like the neighbours intend to do anything about it and I don't know what that means for us. I can handle a mouse in the house every once in a while, but if I come across a rat...or if they get into our garage with the old vw van? Or bite my dog while she's in the yard?

I put up our five Christmas decorations the other day...and still don't feel very Christmas-y. Maybe once we get a tree...don't have a clue for a gift for Michael. Anyone got any ideas for me?

I don't seem to find much to write about these days...nothing seems to flow. I have to reach for every word...

...but at least I have been reaching for the camera again. And that feels alright.

There must be a story here....

and I hope it's not a sad story. The other morning I woke up(a relative term considering my sleep of late) and went out to walk the dog and found this painted along the curb across the street from my house. Darling

it's not like I

believe inever-lasting love.

So many questions...who is Darling? Who wrote this? Will Darling ever see it and recognize it for what it is? Darling seems such a lovely name to call someone you will not have everlasting love for....

I think, in fact, perhaps, the writer MAY just believe in ever-lasting love and is trying to be brave in the face of something...but maybe that is just my own romatic ideals coming into play. The funny thing is, I was pretty much awake all night the night this happened, me and my friend insomnia...but for some strange reason, I never did pull back the curtains that night, as is my usual habit on nights I cannot sleep. I just wandered from living room to bedroom from couch to bed to easy chair and back again. Maybe I wasn't meant to know the story...maybe it was meant to fuel my imagination.

OlyWa

Remember how I went home not too long ago? I got to walk Capitol Lake a few times. The weather was beautiful and there were lots of folks out enjoying the views.

I wonder how many times I have walked this lake in my life....

Dome over the lake...with skies and clouds.

Yummy.

Yummy.

Yummy.

This is the last free artesian well in Olympia...there used to be 13 or more, free-flowing clear, crisp clean water. I used to get my water here. All gone now. This one will be gone too, soon. The non-profit agency that tested the water twice a month will no longer be testing it. It will be gone. One more piece of history...so freaking sad.

Well, not sure what this post is really about...

smells like Thanksgiving around here

despite anxiety and medications...tonight felt really, really super good. I ate more than I have in a couple weeks(due to meds), drank too much(sorry doc, but it was Thanksgiving), and new friends merged well with old friends.....gotta love that. I love having a successful dinner party. I do. It means lots to me. And I really, truly enjoyed the experience, which kind of suprised me. It's not like I put too much into it until the very last moment....I couldn't concentrate on it.
I am thankful...for small miracles...and good friends...and a warm house...and for grace.

thankful...

Living between the U.S. and Canada does have some bonuses you might not even be aware of. For instance...I get to give thanks(for everything) twice a year now, in a feasting, public sort of way. Although I do give thanks and say my prayers(to god, whatever I conceive him to be) every day, it is brilliant that I get to celebrate my favoutite holiday twice a year with others...technically, today is not a holiday here in Canada so I am working(at a place that I love and am thankful for that), but come Sunday, my house is open...full of feasting, festivities, friends who are family and fun. Despite the anxieties and the blue meanies of late, I am fully aware of all there is to be thankful for... and I am so very thankful. For everything. To friends and family back home, I wish I was there. I love you so. To those friends here with me now, come on over on Sunday....there are never enough days to give thanks. The bird comes out of the oven at 5. I'll save you a space at the table.

walkies, anyone?

It's cold...the time of year that gets these two sharing the bed under the pellet stove again. This old house is never quite warm enough...at least for me. Maybe I should get a bigger pillow and join them in the radiant pellet stove heat. I have had to scrape my windshield a time or two now. Ick. But, it's also that time of year, that when the sun does come out, it is deliciously crisp and clear, and everything seems to be in sharp focus. Shadows are perfect, the play of light on water, the feel of the sun on skin is just warm enough...of course, there isn't much skin exposed.

There is that most particular shade of blue in an early winter sky. You know the one I mean? It was meant to be the exact perfect colour for setting off these red berries. Whew. Beautiful, eh?

The greens of the mosses are at their most succulent, too, with all the rain that's fallen. With all the leaves off the trees, the moss doesn't have to compete to be seen right now. It has all the green-y glory it could ever hope for.

The funny thing about walking Morrell Wildlife Sanctuary is that the only wildlife I really see there is ducks or squirrels...or sometimes people's wild kids and dogs. I guess there are bears out there right now, but I didn't see anything...except the ducks.

But ducks are enough,

and these guys are enough, to make for a great walk in the sun.

Okay then, how about that? We finally went for a walk together again.

Thanks for coming along with me.

still here....

not too much to talk about right now, still acclimating to my new prescription(gasp, yes! i did it. in some ways i feel like it means i gave up, but dang! i was so very tired of fighting it, too, and for all my fighting, it seemed i was losing ground, so...) ...and not a lot of time off this week...today looks like a beauty, if a little crisp and cold.

maybe a walk at Morrell Wildlife Sanctuary is called for....i haven't been there in a good long while...and maybe i will even take the camera out of the camera bag for this walk.

hmmmn....maybe the meds are working. haven't even thought of photos in a while.

alrighty, then, one day off, and i got a lot to get done...so, talk to you soon???

I got a McDreamy....

so yeah?
My new family doctor?
Cute. Cute. Cute.
Yay for me.

Ah, come on now! For real? Really real?

So, trying to import this damn car....first had a helluva time with making sure the seatbelts would pass safety inspection(old automatic kind that had a faulty mechanism...they don't make them anymore, of course). Finally fixed and sorted.

Went to CanTire for inspection today and they said my car needed automatic daytime running lights in order to pass inspection. I said, "Well, that's great but can we do the inspection first because what is the point of putting in running lights and me paying for labour if it's going to fail because of something else, right?" Logical, eh? Got there at 8(my appointment time), they finally took my car in at 9(what's the point of an appointment, eh?), left there at 11:30, after paying for an inspection, the installation of running lights and still failing the safety inspection. Um, why, if my car was failing inspection, did you put in the running lights? Why would they do that??? And why did I just pay the bill and leave?

Because I am acting like a lunatic lately. And I didn't want to start bawling in the fucking automotive department of Canadian Tire...I can't seem to have a normal reaction to anything right now. I had to come home and cry.

So I got home and found a letter waiting saying we owe 200.00 plus dollars for importing the car in the first place(a well-maintained car that is not, as yet, passing the importation safety inspection while there are rust buckets belching black smoke and leaking gallons of oil EVERYWHERE around me as I drive ). I know that is not the case....my car is 15+ years old and exempt. In fact, the year, make and model are printed right there on their letter. WTF????? I KNOW that I don't owe that money but now I have to get a hold of this government agency to tell them their own rules? Like, really? And? Is anyone going to answer the phone?

Because, also, right now? Dealing with PharmaCare who wants my 2006/2007 tax returns in order to cover me...um, I just got legal residency in April of this year. I don't have tax returns for 2006/2007. I wasn't working. That would have been illegal. Federally illegal. But can I get anyone to answer the phone there? Hell no. And I really want to be covered because after my trip to Urgent Care last week, I actually landed myself a family doctor. For real. I see him on Wednesday...and, because I am acting like a lunatic lately, I was going to maybe see about getting on something that might make things less lunatic...for a while...but if I don't really have coverage? Cuz I don't have tax returns for years I didn't work? See? Lunatic?

Maybe it's not me at all. But I just don't know for sure. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHH!!!

But......... I don't like barely avoiding a breakdown at Canadian Tire when I should be hopping mad....and I would like to be able to deal with these tiresome, endless phonecalls with fellow lunatics without this sense of fruitlessness and the desire to pound my head against the wall...yeah. That would be nice. And? Would like to get back to enjoying more things, too. Obviously, this little funk I am in isn't as little as I would like to think...and obviously, oh so obviously, I would like to get myself back to me...and then head back to the Canadian Tire Auto Service Centre....possibly kick some ass...

It's a whole new world out here but I am not sure how I fit in it right now.