I'm not sure what i said. i am not sure what has been going on continually for quite some time now. the paxil? made me feel lots, dream lots(lots of nightmares), revisit lots(things that give me nightmares), drink lots. i don't really know why all those things went hand in hand...except that the things that happened then, and in dreams, i never really want to address.
the comedown from paxil was hellaciaous...worse than the comedown from the illicit things i used to do way back when...of course, when i quit all that, i moved to colorado and lived a dream...so that kinda helped.
the welbutrin? it's been good. not making me any crazier...but? i'm not sure that it helps me anymore than being able to fake my way thru things easier...know what i mean? it makes me not frantic...in the daytime hours. at night? don't ask. just be glad, as am i, that i am within a three minute walk to the hospital now.
the thing is...some days are really, really bad. i think this week is the first week i have ever realized that some days are so bad...this bad...i think the relative calm of most of my days on welbutrin have made me recognize the storm that comes in from nowhere...and that storm?!? it's like that night on South Padre when the streets flooded in minutes, the lights went out everywhere, the wind ripped my door from the hinges....the docks down half a block were gone, the boats overturned in their moorings...tornadoes touched down unnannounced, windows shattered, the woppler radar broke down and all communications were lost...it was just me in the dark...with my dog...who really needed to go out for a pee.
and then it was gone. like that.
and the next day was sunny.
my doctor said that kind of mood swing isn't normal...he actually had a name for it...but i didn't ask him to write it down. but, i have two or three of those storms every month...i clench my teeth, my knuckles turn white....but i go to work and smile, maybe i cry in the bathroom for a bit, and i come home, make dinner, chit chat...take a long shower full of hot water and tears. he, my doc, also says there are drugs for that. on top of the wellbutrin, which has normalized my day to day life in this "major depressive episode," so another decision....another daily med?!? or suck up? i don't know. i'm 42. been sucking up a long, long time.
so....there's this question i'd like to ask...
how do i know just when my crazy has become too crazy, even for me?
do you know?
6 comments:
I have been debating that question as well. I am seeing a professional, and trying to figure out if it is possible for me to not take medication anymore. The thing is, I don't know if the medication I take is really helping. I think if the medication actually helps, then there isn't a question about whether to take it or not. If you feel better and would feel better with an additional daily med, then I vote for it.
<3
I think you know somewhere deep down inside and it's in conversation with others, maybe family, maybe a counsellor that you realize you know.
Oh honey, I wish I knew. I wish I could help more than just to tell you that I know exactly how this feels.
(Except for the storm on the island. I mean, I understand emotionally if not having actually survived a storm like that!)
You know I still take effexor and still not sure if it's right for me... I'd love to be off it. I mean, it's nice how it's regulated my moods but it shuts off a few things I'd like to still have. But the withdrawal... OH MY GOD. It's hell. In a way I feel like I have to stay on this crap because I'm afraid of going off it.
You know all those things we crush down and try to ignore? They don't stay buried. I wish they would. I hate digging it all up, but honestly, it's gotta come up and be destroyed. Otherwise the exhaustion is killer.
I wish there was an easier way, I think the pills can help, but they're not the answer.
All I can say is, never be afraid to ask for help. You're worth it. (And send me an email anytime!)
xo
It seems so many of us have been battling our demons a lot these last few years. I've been fighting this battle since I was a teenager, but these last few years have been horrible for me as well. I tried Paxil last year - what a nightmare! It reminded me of LSD with colors being more vivid and not being able to eat! Didn't stay on that long! In the end I had to resort to my old faithful "Surmontil" and am now 12 pounds heavier. Much happier most of the time, though and winning the war of the panic attacks. I think I'll just stay on it to ride out the perimenopause years.
We really should make an effort to get together to chat. Rain, too. Did you read her latest post? Very sad...
kevin's wife says, 'oh darlin'! isn't it interesting how our broken brains have somehow found each other... i'm on the effexor as well (medicated high five for the hick). i've been on it for 7 years and it saved my life, i may have stepped in front of a bus with out it.
i still get low sometimes, but with regular psychiatrist visits and a top dosage of meds i am able to have a somewhat normal life. yes i gained 100 lbs, yes i'll be on them for the rest of my life but at least i can imagine a 'rest' to my life.
i wish i could be there to lighten your spirits with my silliness, i wish you could be here to feel the peace and magic of my island...
i lovers you'
c
kevin's wife....not sure what's gonna save my life....the wellbutrin is a low key thing, helps in a low key, easily assimilated fashion on a daily basis. loads. what is the most worrisome thing now is those days that the bottom drops out from under me, from nowhere. one day Bright and Beautiful...one day What is the Meaning of Anything...since i spend more time in my head than *most* people I know, it's been a lifelong thing that i have tried to come to terms with. i think my brain can overcome it. well, shit, i am in my 40's now and??? still, some days i love EVERYTHING and the next? could step in front of that bus, too. if i didn't pay so much attention to my brain...it just gets tiresome...and maybe??? it's something helped by a therapist, but do have the next 20 years to clear up the past 40? or has it nothing to do with any of that?
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