winter fairgrounds

How sad and lonely are fairgrounds in winter? Pretty freaking sad. But beautiful, all the same.

Today was my last hurdle for immigration. My physical. A full physical. It also makes me feel sad and lonely...even though the reason I am doing this is for the love of my life. For my Michael.

Growing up in the "working poor" in the U.S., and continuing my own working life on the outskirts of lower middle class, I hardly ever had health insurance. My only reasons to see a doctor were emergencies...and then hours of filling out forms to see if the cost could be covered by somebody else....anybody else.

The doctor today said I should have used some of my tattoo money for regular physicals and women's shit. Goddamn. Everyone is a critic. Some of them were from a time I could afford tattoos AND healthcare. I didn't get them all yesterday. Some of my tattoos were trade for bookkeeping.... among the general population, you would be suprised how much the Barter System is alive and well in the U.S. and elsewhere...and I can put someone's bookkeeping in order in hours....or a bit longer, if you are disorganized...like many tattoo artists. Not many doctors barter anymore(though I have seen some doctors who know just how far minimum wage goes when you have rent to pay). She also said something about dental shit....does anyone have any idea how expensive dental anything is without insurance? Ask me how much tomorrow will cost to have some dental work done on my dog...go on, ask. It's heartbreaking.

I had major dental work done five years ago. And? That rich asshole(as well as the dentist I'd seen before him) was a critic, too. He told me that it would be "no more" than a car payment for a few months to cover his costs...he drove a Porshe. Um, I already HAD a car payment AND insurance for that car and rent and groceries and utilities, etc. to pay. You know what else? I know I worked HARDER than either of those two....life costs more when you're "poor." Don't think it doesn't.

It's not a crime to be poor, but everyone sure makes you feel like it is...even here. Fuck off.

So, besides my attidude, all went well enough....girlie stuff went well(whew) and my physical went well, also(whew). Chest X-rays? Clear. Now, just the bloodwork to wait for. It's been such a process...such worry....because, of course, I haven't always been kind to myself. I have not always been kind to myself. I didn't know I was supposed to be kind to myself. Nobody taught me that. Damn. Who knew I would be here now when I was young and dumb and not being kind to myself? And the not knowing for as long as I have not known? Damn. Double damn. Double dog damn. Really.

Fingers crossed that all is well...today went much easier than I thought originally....in fact, I am toasting with a beer tonight.

Honestly, fuck the US and their medical system for making this such an outright burden for me. I have been sick with worry over it...and that alone could have been enough to make me sick enough not to get here.

Forgive me for my four letter words.

I have been so very worried about things that are beyond my control. I just want to be here with my Michael. I just want the clueless, worthless, lame and pathetic choices I made in my young life to have no bearing in the life I have been living every day, acutely aware of and making coherent decisions in for many years. Many, many years.

So, I toast one too many tonight. I am sure Fourdinners would approve of that. After all, he says that the Pissheads of the world should unite. Cheers. It's done now. Hopefully, all is well and I can, at age 39, get one with the rest of my life. Whatever that is.

Peace out and fingers crossed.