Nanaimo Blahg

i haven't forgotten

2011-01-10T18:38:00.000-08:00

it's just this

2011-01-03T20:49:00.000-08:00

nanaimo blahg may need a new name...cuz i find i still want to talk about shit(pardon my french that isn't french) but i really have to find a new format.

movin' on up? m'eh. not so much

2010-08-20T16:16:00.000-07:00

just passed Lefty...two blocks from here at the off-leash dog park....probably selling meth or crack to whomever he was with in the shade. i know him well enough to know it's him. so should Nanaimo RCMP. he used to sell out front or out back of our last house...all the time, or hit those newbies to the street with extra up for freebies.... he thought he knew me, i could tell by how he looked at me....just couldn't place me. we've had plenty of words. plenty of altercations... i thought we'd moved up? we've spent a lot of money to get out of there....so?!? now what?

caution, post contains dead pigeon.

2010-08-10T15:13:00.000-07:00

don't say i didn't warn you.

this is at the kiddie park around the corner from here yesterday morning...i don't really know my birds(although that mass of feathers on the ground is definitely one dead pigeon), but i think it may be a peregrine falcon.

and although it's kind of gruesome that it's killing ground this particular morning was about 3 feet from the playground equipment....

i still think it's pretty freaking cool.

what does it mean????

2010-07-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

that's what i'm trying to find out.....but it feels like the closer i get to my truth...ya know, via(my trapped in let's look everywhere else but at reality mind) mind altering drugs and therapy, the harder and harder it is to hold my tongue. you know, i have absolutely ranted here....about things and people that mean little or nothing. for the rest, i have always adhered to "can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." you know, no matter what they say about me. but i am a grown up. i should absolutely be able to speak my mind without feeling cowardice, or maliciousness, or guilt. i mean, games are games, and ridiculousness is ridiculousness when other people have to live with it, too. i mean, not just me. apparently, i can put up with more than most...
seems a little late to be learning such things. but damn........i really think i am going to hate things when the things i've always wanted to say start really flowing.......

i didn't think this would be my day today

2010-07-20T15:50:00.000-07:00

my friend called to say her cat was sick. i knew it was more. he'd been sick the last week or so. tragically sick. vet visits, hope, no hope, try this try that...
i knocked on her door. she let me in....and i knew. i knew she needed help with a decision. this cat, this wonderful orange-coloured tomcat soul had been my neighbour long before i knew my friend. the previous owners of the house were my neighbours, and i've written about this cat before. they sold and moved and a most delightful couple moved in two doors down. one year later, the cat came back. he loved his home so much.
he arrived the day after my friend and neighbour lost a precious soul. he arrived, walked in the door, and provided a comfort few people could.
now? with a new precious soul in the works, and blooming, i guess he found his calling over with. it's as if his work was done. he came home, made his peace and blessing known....and when all things seemed on the right track, he decided to leave.
but it was a magical story...
and we loved him.
we love him.
we love his orange-coloured tomcat soul.
i drove them to the vet.
i sat with them.
i waited for his last breath....reliving the ache it will cause.
we drove him home.
dug a hole. found a porcelain doorknob in the hole. seemed fitting considering the first thing my friend had read this morning was that thing about when god closes a door......
wrapped in love, in history, in legend, and a pink towel, this little-giant orange coloured soul was covered in dirt in the yard of the home he loved so much. so much real comfort from such a tiny thing. who could ever guess what messages a little furry thing might bring?
that something so small could hold so much.
miracles happen, in both happy and sad ways.
he purred.through it all.
it breaks my heart.

yes

2010-07-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

still here...trying to restructure...
trying to gather thoughts...
trying to decide how honest to be...
as honesty, lately, has not actually proven to be the best policy.
i'd like to come back.
i just need to........i don't know what i need to do.........
except that i am sure i need to be back here.
just that timing....timing....honesty....honesty....worry worry.

well, okay then...

2010-07-06T20:51:00.001-07:00

omg

2010-06-29T21:03:00.000-07:00

omg omg omg...
seriously.
how much damage can one person do?
and no, before you ask, it's not me.
i just had to say it out loud. so to speak.
you know, just to say SOMETHING.
ANYTHING.

today is eem-er's 7th birthday

2010-06-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

and i am so grateful for the extra time, her check-up last month was good.
today, my friend lost his dog, his longtime companion...i remember that pain. actually, "remember" is not the right word for it. i still live it.
so i feel the slightest bit guilty about "celebrating" eem-er's birthday...but? it also reminds me of the need to.
so sorry, my friend. but kippur is where he will be young and healthy forever. and he's got good company over there while he waits.

the absurdity

2010-06-25T19:22:00.000-07:00

is the ache in my brain...mostly.
work for a big company and it's "the man, the machine" that gets to you.
work for a small company and it's actually a man, or two...or ya know, a woman. or two.
look at the bigger picture of life? it's overwhelming.
try to take one day at time? too limiting.
i stumble around trying to think that i overthink things.
that it's me.
but you know what?
i see things just fine.
i see the the absurdity.
and that, that is what causes the ache.

tomorrow is my daddy's day.....

2010-06-19T19:14:00.001-07:00

dad, we didn't always know each other....you had a whole life before me....of adventure and growing up kids and mom(bless you)

full of your own history and decisions and what worked and didn't....

and i know we've had some hard times seeing eye to eye...i'd like to think it's cuz we're so alike...

but honestly? as every day passes? i love you more.

and every time i listen to a willie nelson song, i hear your voice singing to me....and maybe you don't know how often i listen to willie but it's like, literally, every day....and? also? American Pie by don mclean....i remember sitting in the passenger seat of some blue american built car while you sang...it's a vivid, beautiful memory....

and i miss you lots, every day.

so yeah....shit happened. so what?

i can't believe how much your eyes light up when one of us, your children or grandchildren, walk into a room where you are....it is most beautific. it is one of the greatest gifts. thank you.
you gave me great siblings, and colourful aunts and uncles and memories, stories that weren't mine but now are....it wasn't always easy, for either of us, for any of us, but that has meant the lessons learned were more heartfelt. thank you.
Daddy, i love you. Hoping it's another beautiful Father's Day. Wish i was home, so much more than you might imagine. i'll be home soon, tho.
loveloveloveabsolutelove

2010-06-08T16:50:00.000-07:00

you know it's just this thing in my head

2010-06-03T16:41:00.000-07:00

but maybe there's something wrong with my head

2010-05-31T18:06:00.000-07:00

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Blood And Fire� lyrics translation:
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i have spent nights with matches and knives
leaning over ledges only two flights up
cutting my heart, burning my soul
nothing left to hold
nothing left but blood and fire
you have spent nights thinking of me
missing my arms but you needed to leave
leaving my cuts, leaving my burns
hoping i`d learn
but blood and fire
are too much for these restless arms to hold
and my nights of desire they`re calling me
back to your fold
and i am calling you, calling you
from 10,000 miles away
won`t you whet my fire with your love
babe
i am looking for someone who can take as much as i give
and give back as much as i need
you know and they still have the will to live ah no
cause i am intense, i am in need
i am in pain, i am in love
and i feel forsaken you know
like the things i gave away
and blood and fire
are too much for these restless arms to hold
and my nights of desire they`re calling me
back to your fold
and i am calling you, calling you
from 10,000 miles away
won`t you whet my fire with your love
babe, babe, babe
i am intense, i am in need, i am in pain, i am in love
you know i am intense, i am in need, i am in pain, i am in love
i am intense, i am in need, i am in pain, i am in love
and blood and fire
are too much for these restless arms to hold
and my nights of desire they`re calling me
back to your fold
and i am calling you, calling you
from 10,000 miles away
won`t you whet my fire with your love
babe
won`t you whet my fire with your love
babe now
whet my fire with your love

2010-05-31T11:28:00.000-07:00

what saves me most of all is the music....

2010-05-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

it's finding that somebody has the words to say the things i cannot...

it gives me hope when others find the words i want....

and the message i'd like to send along, and believe in...

i pray, too

2010-05-24T15:31:00.001-07:00

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out onto Grey St.
And she thinks...hey
How did I come to this
I dreamed myself thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together
To grey, and it breaks her heart

Oh how she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears He doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her He might
She says I pray
But my prayers, they falls on deaf ears
Am I supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place
There's a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now,
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together
It's grey, and it breaks her heart

There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them real as anything
It will take the work out of the courage
She says please
There's a crazy man creeping that's outside my door
I live on the corner of Grey Street
And the end of the world

Oh there's an emptiness insider her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together
To grey
And it breaks her heart...Oh and it breaks her heart
To grey, Yeah...

I'm sorry, did i mention i was going to see Martin?

2010-05-18T15:33:00.000-07:00

No stalking incidence this time...only because Michael said we should stay on the bus one more stop so we wouldn't have to walk so far...as soon as the bus pulled out of the Burrard Street stop on route to the Howe Street stop?!? There was Martin(seriously, no lie!!!!), walking down Robson Street with a coffee in his hand, talking to someone next to him. If we'd gotten out at Burrard? We would've walked right into him and the fact that i had carried his newest cd and a sharpie easily accessible wouldn't have seemed so sad. Damn, damn, damn.

And the whole Commodore experience???? the sound was excellent, no complaints there....the fact that we "reserved a table for $30 in exchange for the idea that we'd spend that on drinks and dinner?" idea...false advertising. fuck the commodore. we paid $30 for the table and were still expected to pay for drinks and dinner? no frickin' way. we made our way to the closest front line of Martin we could, abandoning our table.

and Martin? of course, he was Martin. Unbelievable live. You just don't know until you experience it...experience him. he makes you feel differently about folk, about gospel, about rock...how the music IS the experience, not the "show"....not the media, not the notariety, not the whatever...actually? You forget all about the word "whatever." He reminds us what the movement of music is supposed to be...no media, no weird hysteria(except mine?!?)

it was such a moment to look forward to...and i loved it...i did...but? i "recognize" Martin's crowd is used to seeing him in these publike settings...but seeing him at the Vogue Theatre before? i prefer the theatre setting...the sitting down, the respect, the sound of his voice over everyting....not the girls talking loudly next to me about their fricking nails? or the really tall guy in front of me not wanting to stand too close to his male friend as the night went on and kept stepping back into my space, even though i had my hand against his back...
i love that i was so close...i do...don't get me wrong....but?
i am not into the bar scene...if i pay to hear music??? that's what i want...i don't want to hear a hundred drunk patrons singing along....i don't want to wrestle my place to see someone who speaks to me from someone speaking on the celphone to somebody about anything except where they are and that they should just hang the fuck up!!!! also???? maybe it's just me...but i really wish there had been more music from his new album....like Shane, like Sugarcoating....i mean, i do so LOVE everything, but wasn't this the forum for his new music?!? I LOVE the new album...and paid to have it shipped early to me to know the new songs....and i missed hearing how they could be portrayed differently live....this is Martin's greatest gift, his live show.it will change you. and i kind of missed hearing how he might sound live on his most "studio sounding" album...

But? Martin???? you were simply beautific. thank you. as always, and forever....thank you. come back soon. i will so lovingly stalk you again. not scary stalk...but lovingly stalk.

Revival

2010-05-13T09:16:00.000-07:00

tonight, i worship in the church of Martin.
Commodore Ballroom, Vancouver.

it's a very good day.

meet me there?

did i say zen or did i say rat's ass?

2010-05-10T15:09:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what i said. i am not sure what has been going on continually for quite some time now. the paxil? made me feel lots, dream lots(lots of nightmares), revisit lots(things that give me nightmares), drink lots. i don't really know why all those things went hand in hand...except that the things that happened then, and in dreams, i never really want to address.

the comedown from paxil was hellaciaous...worse than the comedown from the illicit things i used to do way back when...of course, when i quit all that, i moved to colorado and lived a dream...so that kinda helped.

the welbutrin? it's been good. not making me any crazier...but? i'm not sure that it helps me anymore than being able to fake my way thru things easier...know what i mean? it makes me not frantic...in the daytime hours. at night? don't ask. just be glad, as am i, that i am within a three minute walk to the hospital now.

the thing is...some days are really, really bad. i think this week is the first week i have ever realized that some days are so bad...this bad...i think the relative calm of most of my days on welbutrin have made me recognize the storm that comes in from nowhere...and that storm?!? it's like that night on South Padre when the streets flooded in minutes, the lights went out everywhere, the wind ripped my door from the hinges....the docks down half a block were gone, the boats overturned in their moorings...tornadoes touched down unnannounced, windows shattered, the woppler radar broke down and all communications were lost...it was just me in the dark...with my dog...who really needed to go out for a pee.
and then it was gone. like that.
and the next day was sunny.
my doctor said that kind of mood swing isn't normal...he actually had a name for it...but i didn't ask him to write it down. but, i have two or three of those storms every month...i clench my teeth, my knuckles turn white....but i go to work and smile, maybe i cry in the bathroom for a bit, and i come home, make dinner, chit chat...take a long shower full of hot water and tears. he, my doc, also says there are drugs for that. on top of the wellbutrin, which has normalized my day to day life in this "major depressive episode," so another decision....another daily med?!? or suck up? i don't know. i'm 42. been sucking up a long, long time.
so....there's this question i'd like to ask...
how do i know just when my crazy has become too crazy, even for me?
do you know?

what i wonder is this....

2010-05-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

when you get to a point where you just don't give one royal rat's ass anymore about anything going on around you? is that a good thing or a bad thing? i mean like a zen thing thing or a living in a seperate reality thing?
like this...should i be worried or proud about the state i'm in?

7.6 acres for sale

2010-05-03T16:25:00.000-07:00

riverfront...
anyone want to buy in with me so my friend can stay?
my heart is breaking...i anticipate not only losing his sweet breath, but losing 7.6 beautiful river walk acres to land developers...developers who will not want the"dog walkers welcome" sign to remain...not that there will be anything worthy to walk to once it's all developed.
i hope and pray that i am completely wrong.

still don't like her

2010-04-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

it's funny how saying you don't like, agree with, or even think she's seeing things in a reality based way(anymore), or that she she doesn't see the real morality of things, only the headlines, Oprah can change your world...
even if you're a nobody to begin with...
so fair warning...
if you don't like what she's saying and/or doing? or? even if you have a legitimate question about a story she's had her opinion on? ....no matter how compelling your argument seems to you, yourself? don't mention it to anybody. just don't do it. bite your fucking tongue. apparently, she has spies everywhere...and your whole life will come crashing down.
just saying...
oprah who?
i'm not saying...
anything.
not even the fact that 90 percent of her book club books i read before her...and people think i like her cuz of my library??? fuck off. i read the Heart is a Lonely Hunter when i was 11...oh, crap...did i just mention oprah and book club in the same post? CRAP. as if it wasn't horrible enough the first time around. oh, and since i am already here?!? A Million Little Pieces is still a great book.

walking through tall cotton

2010-04-29T14:34:00.000-07:00

been trying to place my feet carefully, but i can't really see them...you know, figuratively.
it's been a year(and some)...and i wonder if i am coming out of it or if it's the the extra hours of daylight...
many long nights of dark imaginings...
many wishes for other wishes....
lately, although my thoughts are a bit clearer, as i look around me, i realize there are a lot fewer people about. i was not sure, at first, how i would make it. but? it's nice that such decisions have been taken care of...at least for now. it's easier to not have other people telling me how things are, how i should be, how things are supposed to be...
cuz all of those things couldn't have been farther from the truth of my reality for the last year(and some)... i mean, it's nice, and all, that you think you knew what was going on...but, you really didn't...so thanks...you know, for not asking. Thanks for just assuming. it's made some things harder in short term...you know, my short term...that drags on forever....but? it's just because i have issues about hurting your feelings....i mean, not yours, right now, reading now...at least, i don't think it's you. i hope it's not you...i hope you've moved on so that i can be myself here again. has enough time passed? is this a new place? with the same name? i don't want to have to change everything, after all.

in case you haven't heard of him, might i present Martin Sexton

2010-04-27T16:59:00.000-07:00

Leon Russel wrote it...but man, Ray Charles could sing it....

2010-04-13T16:11:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftEkEXFcQyE

I've been so many places in my life and time
I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhyme
I've acted out my love in stages
With ten thousand people watching
But we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

I know your image of me is what I hope to be
I've treated you unkindly but darlin' can't you see
There's no one more important to me
Darlin' can't you please see through me
Cause we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
We were alone and I was singing this song for you

rusty

2010-04-12T12:56:00.000-07:00

dear Blogger, and Blogger Friends....
i am rusty with blogging. perhaps i shouldn't have opened myself up so much online....or? perhaps i shouldn't have let my face-to-face friends know about Blahg. now, i find myself editing myself on both fronts. i have always felt honest on both fronts, although what i choose to talk about on both is completely seperate from the other...
here, in print, i have felt safe to convey my innermost thoughts and feelings, even the angry, sordid ones. now? because i have been called into question in my "real" life, i feel i no longer have that/this/our safety net. i don't feel i can put my most honest emotions down. it's been a hard year...and though many people who haven't known me "all my life" may not recognize what's going on, i am sure there are many others who might...
it's just this....i come around in my own time...and my timing has always been off. but? i miss being honest here...in fear of offending someone, anyone, i lose my ability to speak...that is kinda how i am in "real life."
so i kinda wish the two had never come together, right? even though the reason for starting this Blahg was to keep in touch with my "real" world.
does any of that make sense?

if wishes were horses....

2010-04-08T14:55:00.000-07:00

this is my safe place....a horse whose name i don't even know. i found him during a dog walk a few years back...and have been so thankful for that. i'd like to take him home with me and keep him in my yard, take him for a walk every day, breathe the same air, comb the tangles from his hair...
if wishes were horses, he'd already be mine.

2010-04-07T18:19:00.000-07:00

ever had those kind of days when....

2010-04-01T13:41:00.000-07:00

you don't really know if it is a good day or bad day...or just another day? yeah. i kinda got that going on a lot lately.

toughbounce

2010-03-30T16:05:00.000-07:00

it appears i have a weird blogger stalker....let's call him/her Snarky. that's the kind of comments It leaves.

Seriously, if you have nothing better to do than leave snarky comments? might i suggest the white house webpage? or ottawa's?

also? if you post snarky remarks under the name of Anon? well, really? do i really care about your comments? no.

if you can't claim them, don't say them.

have i done something to you? something that makes you find some reason to follow my blog? evidently, if you're following, you find something you like...but you post such "snarky" comments...i doubt you like it but..........you're still here.

yes, i delete them, your comments...they are neither prophetic nor constructive....kinda like the porn links i hate.

if you have your own site, and i lambasted you, i might understand........but really? would i ever do that? not really. so...... move on, Dear Anon. there must be more folks willing to argue. i'm not that person. i'm just trying to say what i need to say to get along in my life...i don't mind a little opposition, but snarkiness for the sake of snarkiness? especially anonymously, means you don't deserve the platform.

it's Springtime.....

2010-03-25T10:59:00.000-07:00

and you know what that means....time to check out Piper's Lagoon.

We had friends visiting this week, so we got to look at our favorite park with fresh eyes during our dog walk.

And? Our timing was perfect. Chocolate lilies in bloom!!!!

Everyone took a moment to stop and smell the flowers...or the leftover rabbit scents, as the case may be.

Blankets and blankets of fawn lilies...this park is amazing.

There's always a special moment to find.

How much do you think this waterfront property goes for?

I am always a sucker for fungus!

High contrast.

Sea spray.

My one millionth photo of Shack Island. Nearly, anyway.

Another sea spray?!? I am not too sure. It nearly looks like cherry blossom.

....and last but not least, succulent succulents.

You know, since this new computer came into my life, Blogger is kinda hard to navigate. I don't know if it's the computer or Blogger, per se, but once i load photos, i can't type anything without it coming up highlighted as if it's a link. so i have to write in the edit page and then i can't look at my photos so my commentary is lost because there is nothing poetic about looking at html. i guess if i were blogging more, i might be able to figure it out. then again, i probably couldn't. if you all have a clue for me?!? i would be greatly appreciative.

Thanks for walking with us!

lightening up.....

2010-03-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

So Beauty Queen is up and running...the painting and construction are done....for the most part. If you're here in town and need a style or a bit of colour....something new and fresh? Might I suggest you give the Beauty Queen and Fabu(once known as Brian) a call.

if these shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended....

2010-03-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

what i find the hardest part about blogging/facebook/online life is this....

i find that anything i say anymore offends somebody...
somebody that i find a friend.
if i was talking to them, face to face, i would certainly avoid such subjects....
i am a libra, after all...if you even believe in that(don't take that comment personally if you do)

mostly, i think my want to please all comes from a fractious childhood...and the thousand years of wiring in my brain...i have things to say, things to relay, things to explain.

i have folks waiting...for explanations.

at the same time....i feel i have nothing to explain....i have offended...i have been offended. i haven't called you on it. i mean, not you literally....but still.....you know.

you know what i mean?

no, i guess you don't...not you, literally... but still....you know?

that was a good show.....

2010-03-12T22:45:00.000-08:00

been painting my friend's new place of business, she's opening up her own shop... unexpectedly she handed me two tickets to see a show tonight....

http://www.amazon.com/Trifecta-Pavlo/dp/B002Q9PMG0

thanks ever so...it was a great evening.

thinking pretty highly of himself....

2010-03-08T12:39:00.000-08:00

I have always wanted to see Sting live...so, I think to myself here is the Golden Opportunity to do so...he's gonna be at Vancouver's Centre for the Performing Arts... I saw k.d. lang there...it's a magical place, not too big, great sound. Tickets went on sale today, and even though I have nearly emptied my fun fund after my car died right in the middle of major home structural repairs, I thought it would be something really special...ya know, since any hope of a trip to Mexico is off this year. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Tickets? $267.00. Each.

Sorry, Sting, but I believe you're thinking a little too highly of yourself. I was sixth row center for k.d. lang, took my friend along with me, we stayed overnight, it still cost me less than one ticket would to your show. Seriously.

But have i mentioned i AM going to see Rick Mercer in two weeks? And i AM going to see Martin Sexton in June, I believe...maybe it's May.

To the asshole leaving comments that lead to porn pages

2010-03-08T08:58:00.000-08:00

FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it would be really shitty if i have to turn on comment moderation because of you, asshat!

sadly

2010-03-04T21:47:00.000-08:00

i won't be there to try out all Heidi's dresses for the Junos red carpet.Happily, Crafty Missus will be there to take care of all alterations... because, if you haven't heard, Mr. John "Beetle" Bailey has been nominated for the FOURTH time in a row...he's got it once before, and now we all know this is his moment. It's not like we have to root for him, since we all know he's got it in the bag, eh? But??? Keep that hope in your heart right up....it certainly worked for Team Canada....and we all know how that turned out, eh?

my boyfriend's best friend's band made a video

2010-03-04T21:37:00.000-08:00

and i like it....go figure.....hey, Jethro, what do you think?

mushy

2010-03-02T10:43:00.000-08:00

goodness

Thanks

2010-03-01T11:09:00.000-08:00

i think i may be coming back on track....

2010-02-24T21:21:00.000-08:00

how about you?

just stumbled upon some nostagia

2010-02-21T20:15:00.000-08:00

and thought i would test the new scanner before uploading embarrassing photos of my sister to facebook(like she has done repeatedly to me)....

this? this was a very good, no this was a great, show...because, Harry is a born show-man. His dad came out and sang with him....it was a supper club show(book a dinner and sit nice and close)...it was beautiful, he was gracious, he is a storyteller and the stories were great, he gave his band time and opportunity to show themselves....and i will never forget Harry's impersonation of Axyl Rose. Devilishly and delightyfully dead-on.

just a little thing i might call overkill

2010-02-18T17:20:00.000-08:00

the contractors(with their baby faces) have been on time, even early, every day. they work hard. they work long hours. i wonder how long their baby faces will look like baby faces...but the concrete truck coming with concrete to repair our foundation wall up front was two (plus something hours late). our contractors are still here. do i feed them dinner now on top of the lunch i fed them while they waited? i mean...they're so young and earnest....i think Mike Holmes might even like these guys. they work hard. Hey Mike? http://makeitright.ca/, if you are looking for help? We might have some names for you.

egads...........i need a hero

2010-02-15T15:19:00.000-08:00

i am between meds....coming off one, hoping the next works better...my nerves are better than(worse than?) shot.....every loud thing feels like someone is scraping the innermost lining of my skin(of my being) off with a once sharp but now blunt object.... and really? Noise has always been an issue of my life....if you know what what i mean, bless you.

and? there are contractors working on my house with jackhammers. jackhammers....not only that? the little ones didn't work so they had to go back for the big guns. my whole body aches. for no reasonable reason i can explain....except those who know, know. thank god for you.

and? my car(my beloved Bubbles Two) is most officially dead...more like D-E-D. we looked at the Truck That Would Save Us(and the day) today...but it made a noise Michael didn't like...the guy said he'd take it somewhere this afternoon or tomorrow a.m. to see about the noise...so hopefully he is all up and up...cuz if i have to own a truck, this is the one.

we are having company for dinner tonight...they have to traverse through the side gates and in through the back door(much like my intruder last week)....since our front stairs are gone now... just another added jack-hammering scraping innermost dilemna....and i am making a something i have never made before....ya know, with liberties....cuz really? foie gras ? that sounds most disgusting to me(and i work for a butcher).

and? we have booked company tomorrow too...and the contractors say we won't even have power....so......yeah, not asking our friend(s) not to show....haven't seen them in a long time and they know the situation.... it's just this....i think i need a hero...

have i told you about my best housewarming present?

2010-02-09T14:33:00.000-08:00

yeah, sure, i'm late, but that's my charm....there is a certain crafty missus you can find here....http://www.craftcouncil.nl.ca/gallery/artist.asp?mv=prev&pg=92&artist_id=95 . she is not only gifted..she's a hoot and a then some...

i have had already had someone go through my car for spare change and a home invasion(with a confrontation but no worrisome attack) in this neighbourhood(which was supposed to save me)....seriously....nanaimo has issues. and i don't know how or if i am supposed to feel better here in the new hood when i have to make sure my doors are locked both day and night, even when i am home....

what gives?

Guess where we're headed?!?

2010-02-03T16:00:00.000-08:00

we are heading out today to not the most dog-friendly place...but it's off-season and we don't care.... all we know is that she is so HAPPY here....
and we always find treasure here....sometimes blue or red beach glass, sometimes a beautifully nature- shaped piece of drift wood....
today, while trying to locate the eagle crying overhead, i, instead, found two giant pileated woodpeckers....what a gift. how cool is that? i did say GIANT, right?

and fungus is always cool, eh?
water rocks...
and driftwood is always beautiful. Right?

don't choose a one hit wonder

2010-01-31T17:25:00.001-08:00

for the best Meme ever....

Using only song titles from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions...
Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think!
Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

PICK YOUR ARTIST:
Field Commander Cohen

ARE YOU MALE OR FEMALE:
You Know Who I am

DESCRIBE YOURSELF:
Winter Lady

HOW DO YOU FEEL:
Like a Bird on a Wire

DESCRIBE WHERE YOU CURRENTLY LIVE:
Is This What You Wanted?

IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO:
Boogie Street

YOUR FAVORITE FORM OF TRANSPORTATION:
By the Rivers Dark

YOUR BEST FRIEND IS:
There For You

YOU AND YOUR BEST FRIENDS ARE:
The Land of Plenty

WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE:
Light as the Breeze

FAVORITE TIME OF DAY:
Tonight Will Be Fine

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A TV SHOW, IT WOULD BE CALLED:
A Bunch of Lonesome Heroes

WHAT IS LIFE TO YOU:
Coming Back to You

YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP:
Dance Me to the End of Love

YOUR FEAR:
Here It Is….

A FOND MEMORY:
Blessed is the Memory.

WHAT IS THE BEST ADVICE YOU HAVE TO GIVE:
Don’t Go Home With Your Hard-on

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Ain’t No Cure for Love

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE?
In My Secret Life

YOUR SOUL'S PRESENT CONDITION:
Take This Longing

MOST FAITHFUL COMPANION:
Heart With No Companion

YOUR MOTTO:
Everybody Knows.

i just got home from fraternizing with an online media mogul...

2010-01-20T20:03:00.000-08:00

Maybe you saw the clip and maybe you didn't....the holidays are a busy time.... understandable. But he got a bit famous and i got to hobnob for a couple days....

but the response was amazing (http://www.respect-a-bull.com/)....the public's at large, and Stanley's. But...the holidays are over and as we get back to our daily lives, let's remember that place in our hearts that wants to make all the difference to somebody, something, in some way....doesn't have to be dogs. Although they are fuzzy and warm. And many still linger in shelters, just like Stanley.

You all know what makes your own heart beat fierce.....and maybe if we all do just one thing that embraces that thing....we'd all be living in a better place.

love,

2010-01-16T21:04:00.000-08:00

in whatever capacity, will be what saves us all.

bridging the gap

2010-01-10T16:33:00.000-08:00

so to speak....

i can't even remember where i found this moment...on a dogwalk, for sure...maybe along a trail i trail i don't normally follow. the thing is...there are so many of these moments left on the camera's memory...i take the photos but do nothing with them. i notice the moments but can't be bothered to share...

my head isn't working right...nothing new.

meds aren't working right...

but??? the moments are still there and i recognize them. i still love them. but just can't share them.

i don't know how to explain that to the folks who worry for me...but seriously? just because i don't have words? that means nothing....

i never had have words....didn't you ever notice?

does the fact that know and understand THIS mean that i am truly Canandian?

2010-01-09T19:12:00.000-08:00

I hope so...cuzi don't know many Americans who know who either of these Canadian icons are...their loss, for sure.

hey, now....it's a new year....

2010-01-03T17:09:00.001-08:00

and though i don't know what that is supposed to mean, i am more than willing to let go of 2009. it's had it's highlights...saw two living legends and lyrical heroes of mine in one year, John Prine and Leonard Cohen. triumphant happening among friends, children welcomed, homes bought, lessons learned, lives lived and loved.... visits, the junos, a mexican vacation, a whirlwind of selling and buying homes....

i haven't been around though, and now it seems Blogger is offended as i cannot move my text in between each photo!

well...not without much trial and error...but maybe it's the computer(a mac) or maybe it's just my own rustiness....

speaking of rustiness...how do you like those photos? first i have taken(more or less) in a good long while... the meds worked a while, then didn't work in a big bad way...more on that later... now i am on minimal dose, waiting to see a head doctor....who will probably, for all intents and purposes declare me "clinically depressed(which honestly won't shock me)" and try prescribing other things...but, here i am, clinical and all, taking some photos again.

and it's not like i think where i am is good but it's more like me....maybe not the depression part, but the looking for little things part. i don't know if it's because it is a new year and 2009 was not brilliant for me....i don't know if it's that december has always had it's issues, now more than ever...i don't know if today was just a really good day for me....

but i went on this walk today and suddenly i found that i wanted to share it all with you again.

So, goodbye to 2009. although you gave me some good gifts that i will love and appreciate always , all in all, you kinda hurt. and i'm glad we're done. bu-bye!

Ratz

2009-12-29T13:26:00.000-08:00

i was hoping that my bah humbuggeyness would subside....it hasn't. i was hoping things would look new and exciting as this month drew to a close...they don't. but there is still a new year on the horizon. i am absolutely aching for change, for peace, for a sounder sense of self.

Aren't you?

2009 was harder than most.

right?

what i hope for is a better year in 2010. don't care about Whistler Olympics or Rah-Rah- Go Bristish Columbia. what i hope for in this coming year is this....that we all find firmer footing, that we all remember everything/everyone that has graced our lives. What i hope for for the coming year is this...somewhere, somehow, we all find that balance that we seek... in spite of outside forces, in spite of inner dialogue....

we deserve it.

so, my friends...

truly, let's make sure we strive to make this our best year ever...

talk to you soon, eh?

my name in print

2009-12-24T17:23:00.000-08:00

despite my many negative feelings about December; every horrible holiday experience experienced coming up in every dream, the many December/January losses(some really fresh and others long simmering), the longlonglong days of grey, the days of waking up in the dark and going to bed in the dark, my own self-diagnosis of Seasonal Affective Disorder(which may be heralded if the freaking intake nurse at Mental Health would ever return my call, hello???? )...i have had a couple, or three, break-throughs in my gloominess.... still holiday Grinchy.....don't get me wrong there. This will always be a tough sell month for celebration for me. I will go into that with the intake nurse, if i can ever get a hold of them...(that's you, Nancy!).

This month, despite many, many weeks of not taking a single picture(of feeling there was nothing worth recording on my end), i have had three successes....i have one photo in a Canada province-wide magazine on fishing, of all things.

(i don't fish, though).

I have a photo being printed for greeting cards, all the proceeds of which go to getting animals rescued and adopted. I have a photo(of the same rascally dog) being published for a training pamphlet/online course to teach police officers across the US and the public about the horrible crime of dog-fighting rings.....maybe you all know Marley...if not....http://www.flickr.com/photos/59041131@N00/3681946835/ follow all links... his story will make your heart both break and re-invent itself....truly.

I love him...it's not the first time i have written about him....if this is your first read, then let me introduce him to you...http://www.flickr.com/photos/59041131@N00/3681946835/

So, funny enough...it's been a long time i haven't felt like i have contributed a thing....and now, it's Christmas Eve, and I find that this night, of all nights, i might make some small difference. it's good. it feels good.

i do love to find moments that no one else does.

although i mostly doubt anyone finds those moments when i find find them....this time, this most precious time of my life, i have been proved wrong.

i love those moments.

i love dogs. and these moments.

i love that i made some impact. however small.

and so, with that small statement of gratitude, even if you don't know what the past year of my life has meant( in all the greater and lesser degrees, and assuredly NOT in comparison with yours, for i make no comparisons of high times or low times(we all deal with our own times/experiences/phobias/stressors in our own way, in our time)), i have been/ am/ will be/ forever thankful of your input, your participation, your available input and advice, your insight into my life, your guidance, your intuitiveness.

i have not been here much lately, in words or posts....but i have been here...listening....learning... trying to accept your friendships, your input, your advice...

Peace on Earth, my friends.

And prayers for our most fulfilling year to come.

Merry Christmas

Dylan

2009-12-20T15:16:00.000-08:00

one year ago today....we, the collective we of all who knew and loved him as well as those denied that honour, lost someone most treasured. as kids, we called him Pickle. An especially humbuggy year for me, imagine that today, one year later, i find myself looking at this christmas ornament...love is never lost.

Dearest Pickle....we love and miss you so.

Peace everlasting.

hey, y'all....

2009-12-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

how the hell are ya????
seriously?
yeah, i have been gone a while...and not sure i am "officially" back...but, today has been a beautiful day, blue skies, no rain, warm enough for two layers instead of four and dry enough for no rain gear....
the new hood is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo quiet.....we're still not unpacked, we moved in while we were both sick...me? i still have a fabulous chest cough once in a while, though am able to contain it until moments i am alone. as long as i don't squeal or grow pink curly tail, i consider myself lucky. i wanted to be in touch sooner but things have been....um....chaotic, at the least.
we moved in at a time that Nanaimo was flooding....flood warnings everywhere....weeks of rain, the ground could not absorb it all....which is WEIRD in a place designed to take in rain....we, here on the west coast, are considered a temperate rainforest, after all. we moved in here in a time of great personal reflection on both parts...which leads to other things....
the house is small in consideration of the last...has caused some issues with furniture and hand me downs and bric-a-brac.... we have argued. my meds are creating issues. his moods create issues. the up and down and here and about and what comes next creates issues.
but? this is a lovely house....and for the past two weeks or so, i walk eem-er every day throughout this new hood, not worried about encountering situations that i have no patience for.
i have already established a route past a few of my favourite little houses...yes, little houses here, bungalows, cabins, what you will. also, i let eem-er follow her own nose on these walks and have come across such suprising places around here, wandering indiscrinately back and forth, block by block....
so yeah, as i say, i don't whether i am back "back" or just back in a flash.....
still kicking
though
hope you all are,too

move in day is tomorrow....

2009-11-19T14:39:00.000-08:00

but i saw this today and couldn't wait...

we'll talk soon,eh?

i think i'm happy

2009-10-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

it'll be some time to get back to you...
we sold our house...without another to move into right away...our household is in storage and in about 4 days, the computer will be, too. we found another place but it isn't available right now.
we're moving to a quiet street, to a quiet house, a tiny house(we must then get rid of much our accumulated clutter, thank goodness), with a private yard....and though i know it's too early to say such things, i do believe we're gonna be alright...that everything is going to be alright. we are making plans...life affirming plans...together.
despite the coming month of homelessness starting(EEK) Saturday....
so look for an update late-ish November....until then, take good care.
and, in case you were wondering? we are STILL going to see John Prine saturday night...are you jealous?

is anybody still here with me???

2009-10-06T12:51:00.001-07:00

Yeah, i know, i haven't been around...haven't posted, haven't commented....although the summer has been beyond gorgeous(with plenty of times for swims and camping), and i have participated in some of it.... mostly, this summer, has made me more miserable than any grey and wet and windy fall and winter ever has. In the past few-to-six months or so, I lost Myself. I have been nobody i want to know. My curtains are closed. My life is no longer my own...
i don't know how i came to be this way...other than i can't back down...kinda been the problem my whole long life. If I cannot make the change here, and no one else is willing to...wellllllll... seriously? I am moving on. Fortunately, for me, Michael has agreed.
We are moving onward, upward....i don't need to fight anymore....
I would like to tell you all about things...
once the deals are officially done...
but? until then?
couch surfing is totally worth it all.

still with Martin....surely, you will hear from me soon

2009-09-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

fondly, sadly....lovingly....remembered

2009-09-04T18:43:00.001-07:00

Today, my very good friend should have turned 39....
I wish I were home, to sit next to him...
I miss my "family" so much right now...
lovelovelove
absolute love

Hey now...did you know?

2009-08-31T19:47:00.000-07:00

...this is for you nanaimo crackheads....if you want crack now, come to nicol street pawn and ask where their crack shack is...if they tell you they don't know what you mean? don't believe them.
for anyone else out there who wants to fight the good fight? call nicol street pawn at (250) 716-1674 (block your number or use a payphone, if you feel the need) and tell them you know their rental is a crackshack.
every little bit helps
please and thank you

still living in the church of Martin.

2009-08-30T19:18:00.000-07:00

Did you know our new mayor supports BSL? I call that BS!!!

2009-08-29T18:21:00.000-07:00

) NANAIMO KENNEL CLUB
Is pleased to present a public forum on“Putting a Muzzle on Dog BITE Incidents in your Community” And “Responsible Dog Ownership”Speaker: Bill Bruce, Director of Animal Services and Bylaws, Calgary DATE: Wednesday, September 23, 2009LOCATION: Beban Park AuditoriumTIME: 7:00 pm to 9:00 pmCOST: No charge to attend If you love dogs and have them in your life, you need to attend this forum to find out what may lie ahead....Find out why the most common "knee-jerk" actions, and traditional bylaws DO NOT work, and discover a role model that has a proven track record that DOES work. Learn about possible dog bylaw changes, bite and muzzling issues and much more. Learn about the dog bylaws implemented in Calgary by Mr. Bruce and why they are among the most successful in North America. Responsible dog ownership and how it affects you and your life, how it impacts on your city, your home and most importantly your dogs. Mr. Bruce will be coming to Nanaimo to share his expertise and knowledge on this important subject with us. As part of the Canadian Kennel Club’s encouragement for Responsible Dog Ownership and RDOG walks being held all across Canada, the NKC invites you to attend this topical and worthwhile presentation.

Home
About NKC
Our Activities

NKC Public Forum
Come and support the NKC on Wednesday, September 23, 2009 for a presentation by Bill Bruce from Calgary.
Mr. Bruce is the Director of Animal Services and Bylaws for the city of Calgary. Calgary has one of the most successful dog bylaw programs in North America.

Please feel free to print and post this flyer, forward to all your friends and neighbors. Everyone will benefit from attending this evening.

If you would like to help the organizing committee on this event, please contact Del Beaulacs (250-716-1701 - beaulacs@telus.netThis email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it ) or Sandi Malcolm (250-729-9920 - mimicker@telus.netThis email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it )

NANAIMO KENNEL CLUB
Is pleased to present a public forum on
“Putting a Muzzle on Dog BITE Incidents in your Community”
And
“Responsible Dog Ownership”

Speaker: Bill Bruce, Director of Animal Services and Bylaws, Calgary

DATE: Wednesday, September 23, 2009
LOCATION: Beban Park Auditorium
TIME: 7:00 pm to 9:00 pm
COST: No charge to attend

If you love dogs and have them in your life, you need to attend this forum to find out what may lie ahead....
Find out why the most common "knee-jerk" actions, and traditional bylaws DO NOT work,
and discover a role model that has a proven track record that DOES work.
Learn about possible dog bylaw changes, bite and muzzling issues and much more.

Learn about the dog bylaws implemented in Calgary by Mr. Bruce and why they are among the most successful in North America. Responsible dog ownership and how it affects you and your life, how it impacts on your city, your home and most importantly your dogs. Mr. Bruce will be coming to Nanaimo to share his expertise and knowledge on this important subject with us.

As part of the Canadian Kennel Club’s encouragement for Responsible Dog Ownership and RDOG walks being held all across Canada, the NKC invites you to attend this topical and worthwhile presentation.

Home Events NKC Public Forum

http://lassiegethelp.blogspot.com/2007/08/dangerous-breeds-dog-bite-statistics.html

Get real...and? BSL? Bullshit Splains Lots(Lucy).

http://saveourdogs.net/2009/08/09/the-calgary-model-for-success/
(must be government or something that this just does not appear automatically as a link...! but???? copy and paste, please. it really is so easy!!!!) And so very, very important.

the answer...not that i have any questions.

it's been like this....

2009-08-25T17:00:00.000-07:00

on every front....so please, please....bear with me.

seriously....

2009-08-24T17:05:00.000-07:00

if music was religion... and how it makes you feel....
like something better is definitely out there....
waiting to take us home...
ALL of us...
i would convert.
or commit.
to something.
somewhere.

who am i?

2009-08-20T12:46:00.000-07:00

seriously, has gospel ever been this good?
AND? I still hate the johns and the drug dealers....and yes, even the crackwhores... but i am human. for now.

maybe we have too many people.........

2009-08-20T12:24:00.000-07:00

2009-08-13T11:15:00.001-07:00

Goodbye, John Hughes.

2009-08-06T16:27:00.000-07:00

All us kids from the 80's will miss your voice... we think you kind of "got us"
lovelovelove
peaceout.

sleep well and sound.

it's been something else lately

2009-08-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

i've been somewhere else lately....
these past months are some of the hardest times...and it's hard to write about it. i hate whiners. not allowed in my family. there was no room for it. unless you're on your deathbed? don't call in sick. bleeding? can it be bandaged here at home? just how high is that temperature? i can't take this day of work to make it better. get dressed...go to school. don't say anything about it. you're fine.
it's conditioning.
even now, it's hard to overcome.
it's been a long, hard time.
i am tired.
eem-er is flagging a bit already. sleeping lots. breaking my heart.
work seems harder.
home is difficult. at it's best sometimes.
i miss ease
laughter
i remember plans to get out of here.
to the mountains.
to quietude.
but i think i am the only one who remembers.
been too crazy on the street trying to make things better.
just makes thing worse....

as i have said once or twice before...
i have an overwhelming need to "go home"
but don't know where that is

camp dog

2009-08-03T19:26:00.000-07:00

deliciously dirty....
how much i love summer....

sometimes the music says it better....

2009-07-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

Ben Harper here

I can change the world

With my own two hands

Make a better place

With my own two hands

Make a kinder place

Oh-

with my

Oh- with my own two hands

With my own

Oh- with my own two hands

With my own

With my own two hands

I can make peace on earth

With my own two hands

And I can clean up the earth

Oh- with my own two hands

And I can reach out to you

Oh- with my own two hands

With my own

With my own two hands

Oh- with my own

Oh- with my own two hands

I'm gonna make it a brighter place(with my own)

I'm gonna make it a safer place(with my own)

I'm gonna help the human race(with my own)(with my own two hands)

Now I can hold you

With my own two hands

And I can comfort you

With my own two hands

But you got to use

Use your own two hands

Use your own

Use your own two hands

And with our own

With our own two hands

With our

With our own two hands

Oh- with my own

With my own two hands

I'm gonna make it a brighter place(with my own)

I'm gonna make it a safer place(with my own)I'm gonna help the human race(with my own)

Oh- make it a brighter place(with my own)

I can hold you(with my own)

And I can comfort you(with my own)

But you got

You got

You got to use

Oh- use your own

Lord

But you got

You got

You got to use - use

Use your own

* i don't have any words of my own right now....for a while, for some time now... or, at least i can't articulate them. bear with me.

thought i knew ya....

2009-07-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

When we met I was wide eyed city boy
Singin in the streets to feed my hope and joy
We had mad lovin and so fast was our flame
When it went out you got so mad
Talkin trash bout me
Comin round at me
Making a tale of fool’s gold my reputation
Little miss sunshine’s who I met that day
When I walked out it felt like a hurricane
Thought I knew ya
Like I could see right through ya
But the look in your eyes took me by surprise
And I lost control
Thought I knew ya
Like I had a direct line to ya
But I was wrong
Then I caught a shooting a star living photograph
A Buddhist hipster from the purple skies of LA
The ground would shake all understanding now
As I was so smitten with her suede
It went from screamin oh baby
To see you later maybe
I aint laughin now how the tables turn
Her fine print swiftly stole away
I’ll see you in the next life baby namaste
Thought I knew ya
Thought I could see right through ya
What a surprise to open your eyes
And find a hole in your soul
I thought I knew ya
Like I had a direct line to some power greater than myself
So I walked down to the Someday Café
To get my cup o coffee for the day
But they tore it down andPut up another bank of the USA
Where my paradise used to be
I thought I knew ya
Thought I knew myself too yeah
The chink in the wall
I scratched it only yesterday
I thought I knew ya
But my lines were rusted through yeah
But to think is wrong but to sing is right
So meet me at the bridge tonight
To see me reflection in the pond
To wonder what’s a goin on beyond
What I’m tryin to say just won’t come out
But I long to hear you say...............

hallelujah

2009-07-22T15:10:00.000-07:00

it's been a difficult time, and tough to write...

2009-07-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

but i am finding peace here, too....and want to tell you all about...and will....soon enough.
i am reading along with you all....i am here, trying to make a rational thought or two, communing with you all while not commenting....conserving my energy, maybe.
also busy with work, life, hikes, dogs, desires, etc....although there are more hours in the day during these precious summer months, that does not mean those extra hours will be devoted to blogs...there are swimming holes to swim, raspberries to pick, trails to traverse, picnics to devour, and things to be done....as well as words to find.
peace out

it's not that i don't have anything to say...

2009-07-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

it's just that i don't know where to begin............

found

2009-07-14T14:43:00.001-07:00

Buy this book.

2009-07-08T21:27:00.000-07:00

Yeah, This one.
Technically still a preorder, BUT if you read his blog....you know Danny did good. I do.

the cat came back.....

2009-07-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

Remember this? Guess who came home? Yup.

2009-07-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

2009-06-29T18:31:00.000-07:00

sometimes a big heart is not a good thing...

2009-06-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

http://www.petplace.com/dogs/a-matter-of-the-heart-congestive-heart-failure/page1.aspx
Eem-er came my way to get me through the grief of losing Maggie. Athough Michael thought getting another beagle would lead to me be comparing the absolute dog-love of my life to another, that just didn't happen. These two could not/have not been further apart in life, love, or doggie experience. Every living thing is individual.
Maggie held my humanness in her heart. Not that she took it with her when she left me, but that she guarded it when i was unable to do so. and she guided me to this little war-torn mutt....
i believe that. i do. Maggie guarded me. I guard Eem-er. we have reasons. we have love.
we've gotten some news yesterday....
if you follow the link above, you'll figure it out, eh?
despite all the fricken' bullshit going on here in my hood right now, the bullshit in my personal life, the upheaval, the second or third thoughts....my dog has a GIANT heart. I have never doubted that. I just never knew that a big heart was a bad thing.
everything seems daunted by this...she's young, and "saved" and should live a long, long life....but that's not to be, apparently. No fault to this...it's genetic they say. her life before, caged, leashed, kenneled, bred beyond all reality may have made shorter....i am angry that i have such little time....i am angry that they can't tell me( but do tell me) it's merely months or could be years. it's not so long ago i did this, went through this....the waiting, the anticipating, the trying to make it all worth it to them....it's so hard.
but she was older....and had such a good life... for so long. Eem-er's only been here a few years.
i want Eem-er to be around long enough to know that there people who care... who dream of a life fulfilled...i want her to know the absolute loving calmness of a dog that knows all is well.
and no matter if it is two months or two years? i want her to be content in the moment. although I doubt i will find myself so.
times are hard right now...
but these little sinkholes to my heart?
as tough as i wanna be?
these things just hurt.

i am tired....

2009-06-17T18:53:00.000-07:00

seriously tired....in every sense of the word. i know you haven't heard from me much lately and there are reasons for that...multiple reasons that i am still wrapping my head around....too much at once. i love a good routine( not poutine, just routine) and routine really seems to be avoiding me lately. Lots and lots of work lately. Not that I mind...I love it here. Best job i ever had, with the best people.

Spring/summer seems to have set in without any rain....not much in the way of wildflowers or exciting discoveries during dogwalks...

except root fungus.....which is still lovely.

The tiny daisies are out.

Tiger lilies? I think.

A few of my beloved mosses are blooming despite the lack of rain....imagine all that snow we had this winter only to discover we are already in drought conditions? Somehow that doesn't seem like a rainforest environment, right?

And the tiniest of wildflowers that seem so beautifully GIANT in the face of the onlaught of Crack Hookers and Crack Dealers in the neighbourhood, of late. Again, I have to wonder, WHO is it that designates this area as the drug capitol of Nanaimo? Apparently, the Crack Hookers say that the Nanaimo RCMP bring them back here and drop them off if they are turned in elsewhere. Of course, the RCMP deny this BUT "experiments" have been conducted with the same findings, and interviews with the girls have repeatedly stated the same thing....not officially, of course.

It's been a gong show out here lately...hookers when i go to sleep, hookers when i wake up. They now call me "Psycho" cuz i am out there chasing them, their johns down the street....nice, eh? But nobody seems to do anything about it....except me and Michael...who had a drug dealer threaten to put a bullet in his head recently....super. We are sick....sick of nobody doing anything... sick of a system that can't help people who want help....sick of viha that houses drug dealers instead of those looking for a way off the street. on our tax dollars...

we're tired of finding peace only when we choose to remove ourselves from our home.

we're tired of fighting about what is is we do about being tired.

we're tired of wasting our energies on things this city grinds under the soles of their shoes when we should be putting energy into making a better life for a dog with a time-bomb for a heart...

tired of trying to be a voice in beautiful neighbourhood teetering on the edge of greatness or the edge of destruction ..... we have other issues. we have personal health issues, job issues, life issues....we should be able to devote our "after hours" time to ourselves....

but we find ourselves forever driven to make things better here.

i'd like to concentrate on us now...k?

2009-06-15T18:27:00.000-07:00

six one way, half dozen the next

2009-06-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

Despite the meds that seem to be working fairly well on my anxiety and depression, some days it just doesn't seem worth fucking waking up. Remember these girls, they will come up later. I do not consider myself a pessimist....not that I really consider myself an optomist, either. Nor, given my history, even a realist. I don't know what you might call me. I hope for the best, expect the worst. It's a curse. It is. One that I don't wish on anyone. When I wake up and go out first thing in the morning, I don't want to see this down the block...I want to see the flag iris in my front yard....sadly, usually, most years, someone steals them during the night. Not those hookers(please, anyone?), my flag irises.

I am tired of the sight of so much that can deconstruct our neighbourhood.....all these folks are waiting for a delivery at the crack house running for two solid years across the street.

I am tired of landlords/slumlords that don't give a flying fuck about the neighbourhood, whether they live in it or not.

Marco...yes, you.

We aren't the only folks investing in this neighbourhood. Trying to bring about a bit of beauty and pride. But, for all that, there are plenty of people who stay inside, who can't be bothered, who bitch and whine without even trying to make a difference.

That makes me tired, too. I am tired of fighting for neighbours who don't seem to give a damn...

it's not that much effort to go outside and try. Just fucking try. Once in a fricking while.

Seriously.

And for those people who are thinking they are coming down here to help the "poor homeless people?" Get in touch with local organizations, please. Hopefully ones not funded by VIHA. Take your donations to the Samaritan House...clothes, home appliances, tvs, video game stations, dvd players, whatever. Samaritan House is trying to make homes for women making a concerted effort to get off the street(apparently except for Amanda). Food donations? 7-10 Club. Or any local food bank. Even food banks in the North End are hurting.....

Please don't come hand out your second hand shoes to hookers in front of my house. Or blankets, or condoms or needles, or toothpaste.....there are about half a dozen agencies within a few blocks for that. Take them there. Please.

Your donations on the street don't make much any difference to them....but makes multiple hookers hang across the street from me, and my neighbours...and brings all the sexually deviant johns into my neighbourhood...where they acost me(or neighbours) as I try to walk up my own street. And then, the next day? I end up picking up all the things you gave them off the street. Thanks, ever so. If you really want to help? Help us find them a safe place to work that isn't in a residential neighbourhood. Go to Council. Make your plea. What you are doing here doesn't help. Try something new. Get down here and see what it's really like.

I wish that I could look at only these parts of life... the tiniest details of beauty.

Remote, intricate....serene. This is how I have always hoped my life to be...

but it seems, these moments are reserved for time away from my own home. How frickin' sad is that?

k, done bitchin'

for the moment

2009-06-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

somewhere between black and white is grey...in all it's hues and nuances.
that seems to be where you'll find me lately....
although i don't seem to have words to write much, i seem to be finding my out loud voice again.
and that seems alright, doesn't it?

2009-06-04T15:16:00.000-07:00

2009-06-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

http://www.bookclubs.ca/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780385663618

2009-05-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

it is spring

2009-05-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

flowers are blooming and things are getting green.....eem-er and i went out with a new friend to one of our favourite walking spots....

no eggs yet....

eem-er has a new boyfriend....but, we don't know how long it will last.

Meet Marley. He's in foster care with one of my friends. He was dumped at a vet clinic on Christmas Eve...whoever dropped him off, did so only at the insistence of people around him. He said Marley had been hit by a snow plow....DAYS earlier. No money, no name, whatever. The vets took pity and decided to make him healthy. It took MONTHS. Turns out? Not snow plow wounds. Dog bites. But Marley has no aggressive tendancies towards dogs or people. In all likelihood? This gorgeous, loving, laid-back dog was a Bait dog. He has scars that will never disappear...he is a brindled pit bull...he looks "scary" to some folks. These are all marks against adoption. He doesn't hold that against anyone...human or canine.

He is a beautiful soul....loving, trusting, a leaner(god, i love a leaner). He is mellow and low key but has a real joy for life....he reads other dogs well and knows how to "go along to get along." Even Eem-er found out she wants to try and play with him...who knew? Who knew?

He's not good with cats....that is the only negative thing...I would take him in a heartbeat and I would NEVER think of having two dogs...but I would LOVELOVELOVE to have this dog...if not for Fishbone. So, if you, or anyone you know, is looking for the ultimate family pet, a lover not a fighter, a companion, someone to be your friend? May I introduce Marley?

2009-05-19T21:06:00.000-07:00

beginning to wonder how the Council, the RCMP, ByLaws, Mayor all live with themselves....how can one have to have a busker license to play music or make balloon animals on the streets of Nanaimo for TWO HOURS A DAY ONLY, when every fucking crack whore, drug dealer, etc deal on the street in front of my house all day, every day? Just the slightest bit ridiculous, isn't it?

There were(no lie) 12 crackhead dealers around these three blocks tonight waiting for a shipment to come in...it is SO FUCKING obvious. So...we call....the RCMP....does anything worth anything happen? AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

nope.

where have i been?

2009-05-14T15:11:00.000-07:00

here...popping in and reading along with you all but commenting little(or none at all)...i don't know why. i don't have any words lately. so, for those of you have sent email, thank you. i am still here and up and about...doing fairly well on day to day life right now, actually. seems the last med increase has triggered a desired response, at last...but i am not sure if i have nothing to say right now, or just too much to tackle. know what i mean?
the hood is getting busy again, in a bad way, and a lot of my attention is directed there...working, dealing with this long cold(over at last) and eemer's heart murmer issue has resurfaced, friends in town, michael's birthday, etc....so, it's been hectic and busy, but that's not all of it. we've all been here, tho...some of us more than once. it's more a reflective time for me than a time of laying it all out there. ya know?
k...so much love.
peace out.
i'll be around.

Just a thing i have wondered about a lot in the past four years....

2009-05-08T22:04:00.000-07:00

and would like to know the answer to....but without asking anyone actually involved...
why do Crack Hookers, for all intents and purposes, with just about any communicable and terminal disease nameable, with no regard for a residential neighbourhood full of families, bother to hit the button at a crosswalk, even when there is no traffic?

More Crackheads for Jeet Manhas

2009-05-04T15:56:00.000-07:00

Another crackhouse that wants you to vote for Jeet. What gives, Jeet? Why do they like YOU so much? This one is at Milton and Victoria and has been an operating crackshack for quite a while now(the condo in the bottom left hand side). Yesterday afternoon/last night we watched quite a few dealers, crack hookers, and crackheads come and go from there. But maybe they are just there registering to vote?

crackheads for Jeet Manhas!

2009-05-01T18:53:00.000-07:00

Paul Saroya, owner, and all the residents of one of his busiest crackshacks, located here on Hecate Street in south Nanaimo, urge you to get out and vote May 12, for Jeet Manhas.
I couldn't imagine any better spokespeople than that, can you?

mexican mystery plague

2009-04-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

holy smokes, folks...the timing of my current cold hitting at the same time this freaky mexican flu made me nervous...not nervous enough to seek medical attention... but nervous, all the same...
lordy, this cold kicked my ass. hard.
so tired.
SOME of my mexico vacation photos are up on my flickr site. you can follow the link in the side bar. i will try to add more.
as for writing up the vacay? i am afraid that will have to wait until such time as i feel human again...don't hold your breath...or, do hold your breath cuz you don't want to catch this...
alrighty then...
i am off for another wicked round of sleep....sweet, sweet sleep

a thousand kisses deep

2009-04-23T13:26:00.000-07:00

Where do I start? No opening act. Just Leonard and possibly one of the tightest bands ever...for three and a half hours(minus one short intermission). We were wrung out at the end of the show. I can't imagine how he felt, though he looked dapper and upbeat as he skipped across the stage for his FINAL curtain call(there were four, in all).
The moment he appeared on stage, we were his. The funny thing about it, he was ours, as well. He was gracious and charming and wickedly disarming. He is a master of the show, a slave of the words. He read us like a book and played to us. He was eager that we know and acknowledge his band, his co-conspirators. I like that in a person.
It was GM Place. It felt like(and sounded like) some small venue at the back of an old bar, intimate, friendly...reverant. We leaned in towards the stage collectively. We heard every word. We listened. There were very few people daring to break the silence of the audience while Mr. Cohen spoke or sang. We ate up every word.
His age apparent, he looks healthy, vital, wise and mischevious, and I believe his sound is better now than ever. The poignancy of his music made that much more holy by the years on his face. His stories, so full of the sweet sadness, the bitter ironies...the breadth of love and longing in the face of failure...Beautiful Losers, never cease to move me and now, maybe, ever so much more.
It was like walking wide awake into my dreams. For real.
I could tell you about all his songs and his spoken words....it would take me all night. Basically, he sang everything you would want to hear him sing...pick your own personal favourite Leonard Cohen song, he probably sang it. He sang ALL of my favourite Leonard Cohen songs...and I found some new favourites. Someone asked me the highlight moment of the show for me. I have to say, I didn't have one. The whole thing, beginning to end, was magic...was transcendent...was a particular kind of joy, elation, shortness of breath, fierceness of heart that is usually reserved for the Grand Canyon, the colour blue of a Colorado sky, Monument Valley, aspen groves, Joshua Trees, Mesa Verde, the curve of the cheek of my friend's son...it was like the breath of the world.
Yeah, it really was that good.